The Judgement In His Eyes

The Judgement In His Eyes

He thinks I don’t notice, but I do. I see the glances and the arch of his brow when he thinks I’m not looking. Deep emerald eyes I love so much. On rare occasions, those eyes hold nothing but love and admiration - but only briefly. Mostly they are indifferent. But if I look closely, I see the judgement. I don’t appreciate him enough. I don’t show him enough affection. I show too much affection. I don’t love him the way he wants and needs to be loved.

He never says anything to me about his displeasure, but his eyes tell me everything I need to know. I am not enough. I’ve tried. I’ve tried everything to please him and make him happy, but nothing seems to hold his attention or his affection for long. The indifference may be just as hurtful as the judgement. At least, if he is judging me, it means he cares enough about me to consider his feelings. When he ignores me as though I am a stranger I feel a little stab in my heart. I call out and he looks away. I try talking to him and he walks away. I try to make our home as comfortable and peaceful for him as possible, and still I get nothing from him. Just those emerald eyes. Indifferent except for the hints of judgement he lets slither through when he thinks I’m not looking.

My friends tell me he takes advantage of me. They say our relationship is toxic and one-sided. That I should move on and forget his judgments. I can’t do that. I’m in too deep. I love him too much and have spent too much time investing in this relationship. It’s just not possible to move on from someone to whom I have dedicated myself for over a decade. It’s not always bad. We’ve had good times together. Times that I cherish. We don’t fight and we don’t yell. We know each other’s habits as if they were our own. But somehow there is still a disconnect between us. An emotional tie that has either disintegrated or wasn’t that strong to begin with.

I can’t help but compare us to an old married couple that has grown apart. We’re familiar and comfortable, but we aren’t happy. At least not as happy as we once were. And it is easier to keep plugging along the way we are than it would be to start over. It’s easier, but is it better? A question I find myself asking more and more often. I want things to improve, but I don’t want to risk losing him completely. If it weren’t for those damn eyes maybe I could fool myself a little longer and pretend we’re both happy.

But no, I can’t do that because I see the judgement in his eyes. It’s there lurking beneath the surface and waiting for me to err. I’m too weak, too scared, to try to change anything now. So I must continue on as we are and hope some divine providence will intervene and those emerald eyes will hold affection once more. Until then, I will do what I have been doing throughout our relationship. I will love him and care for him as best I can. I will make sure to buy his favorite treats, to keep his favorite blanket washed and fluffy, and to regularly clean out his litter box.

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