The Joy of Loving

“I can’t hug you, my skin will get painful again”

Amanda's usual hummingbird voice was like a shovel dragging against water.

“Right.” Lennan withdrew her arms. She tried to say. “I love you.” But instead…

“How was work?”

Amanda wasn’t looking at her. “Fine,” she replied impassively. Walking through the warm living room into the sterile kitchen, past the old furniture from the past that Lennan refused to throw out.

“What did you do today?” Lennan tried to sound less firm than she usually did.

“Same old.” Amanda grabbed a breakfast bar.

“Okay… Did you talk to Enrico about your book?” Lennan commented softly.

“Nope.” She replied muffled. Walking past Lennan again who was stiff as a rock.

“Okay.” Her voice rose like a feather. “I was thinking we could order food tomorrow and watch films together. Since it's our days off”

Amanda paused at the stairs.

“...It's your day off?” She swallowed. “I can’t, I’m meeting Elvie tomorrow.”

“Elvie?” Her eyebrows furled.

“Yeah, she’s my friend, from work, going for a drink.”

“Who!?”

Amanda looked stone-faced, her voice was shallow. “She’d like your outfit.”

(Pink-Shirt, Black-Jacket, Tan-Trousers, Green-belt)

“Is this person nice?”

“Yea.” She whispered, distracted. Feeling her neck as she rushed upstairs “Ow fuck off.” A spot on her neck was gray and taut.

…

She had been trying for a year and a half now... It started then with her skin condition. Lennan thought that she was just having a phase.

Lennan didn’t move from the stairs.

I could get around to opening a store for my sculptures,

I could teach Psychology

I could finally go to Europe

100 different ideas for her life.

She grasped her hair to remember.

“What’s this painting above your bed?” Amanda asked as Lennan was sobbing.

“Take two of these in the morning okay? You idiot.” Lennan said laughing with Amanda.

Amanda was standing next to a nervous Lennan, proudly displaying their art installation.

Lennan and Amanda were sitting in the back of a moving truck as the sun was peeking and the wind was soft.

Amanda and Lennan sat in Wetherspoons from afternoon till closing.

…” For us.” Amanda wept, hugging Lennan.

Lennan stood up.

—

It was like a void in Lennan’s office. No breath. The only light came from Lennan’s phone, then it stopped. Texts came up and Lennan didn’t flinch.

“The boiler guy is here, where is the key???”

More calls.

“Where did you leave it? Where are you?”

The calls and texts eventually stopped. Lennan was still staring at the screen.…

“The guy said he’s coming back on the 5th. Where are you?”

Lennan grabbed her keys, took her phone, put on her coat, and left.

—

Two hours later, Lennan was back, and Amanda didn’t even react. She was cleaning the countertop, not saying a word. As if she had eaten a lemon.

“Sorry I’m late” Lennan watched. “I had a report to work on with Trish.”

“Ok.”

Lennan was still watching her eyes. “It’s not like you’re always on time.”

Amanda snorted.

Lennan noticed the cold air that was left.

“I paid for the food that came.”

Lennan didn’t look at the boxes.

“I pay for electricity.”

Amanda stopped. She threw down her plates. And stormed across the room. Lennan knew where she was going.

“I feel like you don’t care anymore.”

“About what?” Amanda threw her hands as she stopped on the stairs.

“About us. You don’t want to be my friend anymore.”

Amanda took a step down the stairs. “I’ve been swamped with my contract at work. Sorry if I haven’t been able to give you what you want.”

Lennan pushed up the stairs. “You never talk to me anymore. I bought you that Miles Davis Studio album and you didn’t even say thank you!”

“I did!”

“I want to love you but you won't let me! You need to say now whether you're in or out!

“I don’t understand what you’re asking!” Amanda tried to retreat

“I know you have a hard time committing but you need to decide!”

“SHUT UP LEAVE ME ALONE!” Amanda’s voice broke.

…

Lennan nearly bought herself to say “I LOVE YOU”

“Are we going to make up?”Lennan growled softly with tight eyes, staring at Amanda’s quivering back.

“Lennan, please. You have to focus on something besides relationships.”

All that came next was the sound of twisting knives. Amanda had collapsed and fallen to the ground,

her hands twisted like frogs into an unholy position. Her arms and legs started to stiffen and . twisted into a deformed sculpture, she moved her neck to scream but could only let out a breathy hum.

—

Amanda was placed in her bed, her skin gray and stiff. Her body contorted like a dying spider. They were told to monitor her breathing and wait. She could slowly move her fingers. Words could be whistled, she could twist her neck slowly. Like a statue presented on a carpet.

Lennan sat on the bed, washing down the stone skin. Amanda was whistling gently. A sound of wind passing through tight rocks. She wasn’t sure if Amanda could feel the tightness of the brush strokes. So she kept it light.

Just in case.

Feeding a statue made a mess. So Lennan took her time cleaning up.

“I’m. Sorry. Sorry, this happened to you.” She found it hard to keep brushing. “It’ll be fine though. After this, it’ll be… I’ll be better. I promise.” Amanda whistled:

“THAA-AAA-NK-YO-OOO-U”

…

She went to whisper "I love you” but the door creaked in and Elvie peered her head in.

Dark long perfectly braided hair that reached to the center of her sunflower dress. Your hair is braided wrong dumbass. Your teeth are crooked.

She rushed over to the bed. “How is she?” Elvie whispered in her tough voice

“The same?”

“I spoke to Enrico, I’ll be covering your work. It’s fine - I don’t mind. I also bought this book on Gardening for your garden. I’m sorry if anything goes wrong. I’ve never done it before. So please don’t worry. Just relax.” Elvie rushed.

…

“Are you local here?”

Elvie turned. “No. I’m from Athens originally. But I came to study at Gladstone University”

“In what?”

“Architecture.”

“What do you do at Ruckords?” Lennan made eye contact

“I draw concept art for children's books. You?”

“Data Analytics at Waterstones”

“Oh I love Waterstones, I even have a membership.” She said awkwardly…

“And how do you find that?” Lennan moved to the chair next to Amanda

“It’s alright. I’m a contract worker.”

They held eyes

“You do work for so many different companies it feels like you're not working for the company you're under.” Lennan grinned.

“Is it the same in data analytics then?”

Lennan nodded.

“Why did you come from Athens?” Lennan chatted.

…

“I had a rough time with my family in Greece. I used to…” She made an indication of cutting her wrists. “Parents were awful, I'm afraid. Sorry if that's a bit much”

Lennan shook her head.

“I like your outfit.”.

(Pink and brown-Shirt, Maroon-Jacket, White-Trousers, White-belt)

“Thank you. She tried to ignore the uprising feeling. "Your hair looks lovely.”

Elvie grabbed it softly. “Oh thank you. I always mean to put more effort into it but I’m just too lazy” Elvie laughed and Lennan followed.

“Amanda told me you paint, maybe when this gets better the three of us should do some painting together.” Elvie looked at Amanda.

“That sounds nice. That’s how we met, you know. In an art society”

Elvie smiled back “I’m sorry this happened to you.”

…

I am.” Elvie hugged the stone. Lennan scowled at her back

Lennan was staring at the space between them. “Feel free to visit whenever.”

Whispers came from the husk. Lennan snorted her running nose. Like strong winds passing over a moor.

“We’re here Amanda,” Elvie whispered

LE-NNNN-ANN

Lennan suddenly gave water to Amanda.

Unexpected rewards”

I CHOOOO-SE—

“Choose?!”

Amanda’s hand barely twisted, two fingers pointed.

“El—-v—-ie”

HER?

Lennan stormed out of the room instantly.

—-----

Lennan imagined herself in her uni room. Her whole body was under her sheets. Not her. After all, Lennan had done for her she still didn’t want her - rather someone she barely knew. Lennan had no-one to call. The most comfort she got was right there. Quivering under her blankets, all she could remember was Amanda telling Lennan that she hated her with Elvie smiling at the news. “Why did this happen?

It was her. Elvie. Ever since Amanda met her. The skin condition came back.

Lennan put on her shoes and went back to the office.

—

It was Lennan’s House after all. But Elvie was still there. She was asleep on the chair next to Amanda. Lennan couldn't tell if Amanda was awake. Regardless she wanted to scream I love you

Instead, she went downstairs and made breakfast.

—

She had to shove the food down Amanda’s mouth hole. Quietly to not wake Elvie. Amanda moved her fingers slowly and pointed at Elvie, “I know,” She whispered. Putting the knife and fork used to cut the meat beside the table. The sun was in a gloomy bloom. Birds were making Lennan feel the time... Regardless, she sat there and fed Amanda. Leaving Elvie a cold plate.

“For the both of us”

When Elvia slowly woke up she inquired about what Lennan was doing staring out the window. “Just seeing her like this…”

“If you need to work I can look after her, my job is remote.”

Elvie was too groggy to see Lennan’s glare. “It’s okay.” A car came violently into their driveway.

“You fed Amanda her favorite? That’s so kind of you.” Amanda was whistling a sweet tune.

Lennan walked over to the nightstand, between Elvie and Amanda. “Aren’t you just being desperate?”

Elvie moved her gaze. But Lennan grabbed her forearm. Put the knife on it. Slice!

Elvie jumped up in pain as the front door was already being banged on. Lennan’s heart was not ready for this. She sprinted down the stairs. And ran to open the door. Greeted by a heavy older gentleman and a tall older woman. “WHERE’S ELVIE!?!?”

“She has a knife! She’s upstairs! She just cut herself and threatened to cut me!” They moved the second Lennan told them Elvie’s location. Only to find her at the top of the stairs, holding the knife and gripping her arm. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” Elvie screamed, now starting to cry.

“Put. the. Knife down. Please.” Her mother said softly. Elvie dropped it immediately. “JUST LEAVE! IT’S HER! …SHE CUT ME!”

“Elvie please take your meds!” Lennan said not knowing if she even took meds.

Elvie raced down the stairs to attack Lennan but her parents held her. Her father picked her up and carried her outside as she was screaming to be put down. It got quieter.

…

Her mother stopped to talk

“I’m sorry this happened,” Lennan said with teary eyes.

“She was better before. We’ll make sure she gets better again. Are you going to be okay? You can call the police if you need”

“It’s okay. I’ll be fine.”

“Thank you again, Lennan. We owe you.”

She started at Lennan’s outfit

(Navy-Jacket, Pink Shirt, Gray Trousers, Black Belt)

Lennan’s mind was elsewhere and she said nothing.

She closed the door swiftly behind them, racing upstairs. still reeling. But Amanda would be safe and happy again.

She went back into the room, blood on the carpet. She didn’t care.

Lennan called to her. Amanda wasn’t moving. Not a movement of the fingers or neck. when she went to check her breath., no wind.. A perfect statue of gray stone. She pushed against Amanda’s hand and it moved, sculpted by her.

Lennan was hugging Amanda. Amanda didn’t reject it.

“I forgive you” Her heart was mended into one.

Lennan teared up with a smile as she got no response.

“I love you too Amanda.”