The Idea Ranch Competition

"Welcome back, folx, this is your host, Ann Ouncer, and we’re coming to you live from the trial runs of the Idea Ranch Championships, the seventh annual running, where the best authors and aspiring authors come and take their turns trying to run down the wildest of wild ideas."

"That’s right, Ann, and I’m Colour Common-Tater, here fulfilling the job opportunity that my mother named me for."

"You mom really didn’t like you, did she?"

"No siree Bob-"

"It’s Ann. Bob’s on a suspiciously convenient vacation."

"Right. Ann. No, she didn’t, but as I like to say, I tend to grow on you. Kinda like a mold, right? It makes me a fun guy."

"CeeCee, you make another pun like that, and I’ll enter you in the competition myself."

"No, please, Ann, I’ll be good."

"I hope so, because this isn’t a competition for the faint of heart! CeeCee, want to tell them what the prizes are?"

"Sure thing, but first, a reminder that our sponsor today is Briquette’s Fish and Squick, your one-stop source for dinner and horror ideas. Feed your stomach and your brain at the same time, but hopefully your stomach is made of sterner stuff, because some of the Deluxe Extra-Super Squicks will make you queasy! And the Overboard Spicy will-"

"All right, CeeCee, you know I’m eating my lunch in between trial runs, so no freebie squicks, please."

"Right, sorry Ann. But, remember to say Briquette’s, not Briquette’s."

"What he means is BRICK-ets, not Brih-KETTS, to rhyme with ‘squick’ better."

"Uh. Right. I forgot, we’re audio only."

"Trust me, audience, you do not, under any circumstance, want to see this live. It is not for the squeamish."

"Indeed, there’s a reason Briquette’s is our sponsor."

"Yes, whether you choose the synthetic or recycled, the selections on the Briquette’s menu aren’t too stale. But the ranch ideas… run wild."

"The ranch is huge, and covers many genres. You need to catch your own."

"And some of them don’t want to be caught."

"So the rules of the championship are pretty simple: go and get a wild idea. Take whatever you need with you. Don’t kill an idea, and try to stay alive. Come out with one, and become a Famous Author."

"It’s not so simple in practice, though. Take a look at Simpson there, just entering the gate."

"Oh, what bright-eyed exuberance! Oh, no child, no! Don’t run!"

"Oooooh, that’s gonna cost him. What are those, rejection letters?"

"Yes, he seems to have been taken down by a whole flock of them."

"Tough ending. Well, here comes Pat, and they seem to have brought rope. Learned from last year’s foray, I see."

"Yes, so close! I’m glad they’ve refined their technique, and seem to be aiming for the same idea that took them out last time. We know there’s a big one lurking under that hollow rock, but is rope enough?"

"Let’s watch. Ahh, good, they’re talking softly to it, gaining its trust-"

"Oh, no! Disaster! Too soon, Pat, too soon! And the idea has dragged them in, oh, if we ever see them again, they will be changed beyond all recognition. The idea will be changed, too, or worse, it will be tons of… fan mail."

"That will inflate your ego something fierce! Especially if you haven't established a solid fan base."

"Bit off more than they could chew, there. Or maybe vice versa?"

"Well, here’s Wilson back for another go as well. She almost had one, last year, but the ‘part one of a trilogy’ idea got into her head, and it gets in the way where you don’t even have the first book blocked out."

"And heavy foreshadowing, that hurts when it's too early in the story."

"Remember when she rejected an editor, refused to trim ‘her baby,’ as she called her inaugural book?"

"Yes, I couldn’t get past Chapter Three. So painful."

"What is she doing there, taking a break for a picnic?"

"No, I think she’s luring one of the beasties out with a food offering!"

"Oh, how clever! And look, one’s sniffing at the sandwich she’s offering! A fine specimen, on the small side, but well-developed, at least a novella size for sure. Can she succeed in the capture?"

"It’s stepping closer, closer… And she’s caught it! It’s in the picnic blanket, and she’s knotted it up and is sprinting for the gate!"

"She’s through, and she had a steel cage all ready, just popped it in, closed the latch! Yes! That’s a winner! Looking forward to reading that one, Wilson, excellent job!"

"She could win it all, with that move. Wait, who’s this?"

"Oh, no, it’s an underdog! That could turn the competition upside down, they usually do!"

"A late entry, eh? Just under the wire. Ohhh, this could change all the parameters!"

"Let’s see how this unknown fares against – wait, who are they?"

"Oh, no! Run, random stranger, that’s a pack of online trolls! They’ll eat you alive!"

"I can’t watch! Tell me what happens!"

"Stranger has been spotted, they’re pursuing, stranger isn’t running. Stranger’s not running… Run you fool! Wait, what? Stranger is… handing out... leaflets?"

"I’m peeking, I’ve got to see this. They’ve stopped. Stranger has slipped off, and has disappeared from sight deeper into ranch land. Can we get a camera on that cover page?"

"Zooming, zooming… Yes, it says How to Win a Flame War. Intriguing! Flip that page, let’s see what- Oh, that’s clever! It simply says Do Not Engage, over and over. Ah, now the trolls are reacting, but Stranger’s gone into the interior. Well done!"

"Stranger should get a big, awesome idea for that flash of wit!"

"I see movement out on the ranch. Let me secure my binoculars, things are blurry. Hunh. That looks like… One of last year’s contenders?"

"Zooming in, focusing... Oh, yeah, that’s Price, isn’t it? Won a few years in a row, sauntered in last year, and vanished? Hasn’t been heard from since?"

"Yeah, thought I recognized the plaid shirt. And that explains it, that’s a pack of sequels that Price seems to have fallen prey to."

"Ohh, that’s a tough one. That leads to multiple series, and it’s so hard to concentrate on just one when the others are demanding attention, and if the fan fic runs wild in a series you’re not paying attention to, the shipping gets out of control."

"Yeah, that's some hard luck. Hey, Harry, can we send a rescue truck out there? Price isn’t moving, and I’m worried."

"Harry says they’re going to send out a helicopter with a publisher on board, that should keep the sequels at bay till Price can be brought back. They hope. But, I think I see a contract in that publisher’s hands, this could get ugly."

"A live poaching! At the trials? Briquette’s didn’t bank on that, did they?"

"No they didn’t! And look, guess who’s coming back?"

"Well, I’ll be! It’s the underdog! And what’s perched on that one strong, beefy shoulder?"

"A fine specimen of an idea! Elements of romance, adventure, thrills, chills! Heavy on the romance, though, perhaps a bit- Ouch, quit pinching me! Easy there, that’s a Best Seller sized idea, and you’re feeling its influence here in the commentator booth. Here, have a glass of water, slow deep breaths, um, that’s not helping, is it…"

"Well, darling, since that’s the obvious winner to the competition, hands down, why don’t we wrap this up? I’ve got a great idea…"

"Oh dear. Well, folx, that’s a wrap, don’t forget about Briquette’s if the competition is too extreme, and we’ll see you next – hey! This isn’t a bodice ripper, not even your own! Yikes! I’m outta here! Calm down, this has gotta stay safe for work, and ouch hey stop that, aaaaiiiieee…"