The Heroes of America vs. The Destroyer of Worlds
A purely fabricated story. All names changed to protect the innocent. Any similarities to individuals living or dead is purely coincidence.
“It’s only right we discuss him over a fine brandy.”
“You describe him as though he is still a man.”
”As Arnie said, if it bleeds, we can kill it.”
”We don’t have enough power to challenge him. Not yet.”
“We have to move soon. He holds them all. Who knows what he can unleash with such power in the palm of his wiry hands,” Stefan Roddewigerig said, pacing back and forth over the bearskin rug, barely keeping the brandy within the confines of his glass.
Colonel Matthias Frommisterwitz, a rank that posterity would note he did not earn through any form of military experience, swirled his brandy in the study’s low firelight. His friend needed some patience, something the good Colonel had in droves. It was long overdue, this visit; The Colonel had heard so much about the exotic landscape of Arlington Virginia after all. Despite his calm demeanor, Colonel Frommisterwitz also knew his friend Stefan, long time confidant and financier of their little enterprise, had the right of it. Time was running out.
“If we move now, depleted as we are, he’ll crush us. It’s Superman against some ants right now.”
Again, the Colonel knew Stefan was right. As inconspicuous as he could, he tapped the front of his buttoned breast pocket, ensuring the treasure was where he left it, which of course it was. He noticed Stefan always stayed between the Colonel and a small box on Stefan’s mantle.
“He’s already gathered them all, a feat I thought impossible,” Stefan said, draining the rest of his brandy in an act the Colonel found an unholy waste of good liquor.
“Patience, the set is not yet complete.”
”With the forge of the Bronze Ring destroyed, his set is as complete a set as anyone could hope to find.”
“Once we’ve prepared and matched his strength—“
One moment, they sat in the comforts of Arlington Virginia High Society Serenity.
The next, the air exploded. Stefan’s high picture windows blew apart.
“He’s found us,” Colonel Frommisterwitz said in a moment of unnecessary commentary. He slid his hands into his breast pocket and fumbled with the set of three rings tucked within. Thankfully, Stefan needed no instruction and pulled his own collection from the box above the fire.
“Peons, surrender. You have no power compared to me. Cease your quest now and I might deem you worthy to serve as thralls.” The voice came from nowhere and everywhere all at once. Had they been lesser men, Stefan and the Colonel would have been forced to their knees under its weight. Even still, voluntary bowel control became difficult.
”I say again, surrender!”
Surrender not being in either of their distinctly red, white, and blue DNA (unless of course it came to health insurance or corporate interest, they were good Americans after all–maybe Free Market Man would arrive to tip the scales, maybe) both Colonel Frommisterwitz and Stefan Roddewigerig responded to their overseas oppressor with a hearty, “go fuck yourself,” that would have made John Hancock proud.
“I suppose some people never learn, ay blokes?” Paulistorus Destroyer of Worlds said. Understanding now that a grave, irreversible mistake had been made, the heroes of Arlington Virginia tried to summon the powers within their rings, but it was too late. Slowly they felt their bodies liquify as the power held by Paulistorus drained them of their life force, until…
All was dark, and cold. Colonel Frommisterwitz’s first thought was that, all things considered, it was not too bad…
And then the bagpipes began to blare, and the Heroes of Arlington screamed for all eternity within the hell their enemy carved specially for them.
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A/N:
Stephen and I were bullshitting about how, with the inclusion of Honorable Mentions, challenge awards have turned into a a set of Infinity Stones, with Third Place awards taking on the role of the Soul Stone. In joking of who would be the first to go all Thanos, we realized the one and only Paul Stewart (and probably others. To all of you, a hearty congrats) had already achieved the feat.
Naturally, I had to poke fun at this revelation. If you've enjoyed this, please leave a like and an insight below. If you really enjoyed this, tips to fuel my coffee addiction are always appreciated. All formatting is designed for desktops. Want to read more? Below are the best of the very best of my works:
About the Creator
Matthew J. Fromm
Full-time nerd, history enthusiast, and proprietor of arcane knowledge.
Here there be dragons, knights, castles, and quests (plus the occasional dose of absurdity).
I can be reached at [email protected]
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Comments (4)
I LOVED THIS!! The names were stupendous and the premise was quite hilarious! Needed a laugh and this delivered!
Nothing like a couple of Prussian generals trying to outmaneuver a demi-god. Though, with the Bronze forge lost to all but the precursors, there may be a greater threat yet. Who knows, mayhaps the Ultimate One will overcome Paulistorus Destroyer of Worlds and lead the universe into a brighter, more benevolent time. Or at least Free Market Man has to do some serious contemplation about whether all the power concentrated at the top is a true reflection of capitalism. I suspect that the fact that it happened under free market conditions will sway him, though. Also appreciate the note at the end, since there is almost certainly someone else out there with the same set of Infinity Stones. I think there's also some random like Sponsorship Badges if you look back at the old challenges? Many more challengers abound than we might think. Whole little multi-verse going out here
I'm so glad you listed this as satire and humor, I've been rolling with laughter here in MO. This played out like some Marvel or DC comics movie in my head 🤣
LOL. Once a Kingmaker, Sir and now Destroyer of Worlds. Just like an American to paint the British - no wait, I'm Scottish, as a bad guy. lol. This was bloody fantastic and my mouth and jaw hurt from smiling. I loved the awkwardness of Stefan's surname and the Hancock reference lol as well as the complete blatant LOTR riffing. I hope this gets Top Story lol. I feel honoured to be the bad guy in your fun little tale. You've outdone yourself, sir!