The Hanging Gardens.

Why? Why me? Why does this always happen to me? All I could think about was how much I loved her.

“Catherine. Why are you doing this to me?” I said to her as tears streamed down my cheeks.

I stood there looking at her, wondering if she was even listening to me. “Catherine I need you. You are my life. You are my love. You are my everything. Please don’t leave me.”

I watched her delicate face turn towards mine. She was crying, but she didn’t show it. She was crying on the inside, even dying on the inside. I couldn’t stand to see her like this anymore. I walked up to her and hugged her. I could feel her tears start to fall on me. I hugged her like it was the last hug I was ever going to get. I hugged her like she was about to die in my arms.

I could feel her heart starts to slow down. I felt her cold face press against my warm chest and my heart started to beat quicker and quicker. I kissed her head and then rubbed her back. I could feel her arms start to creep around my back and link together. Little did I know that she cried herself to sleep each night. If only she told me how much she was hurting, I could have helped her. I let my arms fall from off of her and rub her cold cheeks. I don’t know how long we stood there, but I will never forget the feelings we had that night. The feelings I had were stronger than ever before, and I loved them.

I could feel her inch closer to my ear as she whispered, “Hey Shaylene, we should break up.”

My heart stopped. I couldn’t believe the words that came out of her mouth. I felt like my world ended. My movie paused and couldn’t play. As though a punch in the stomach hit me and I can’t move. I don’t know why she would ever want to do this to me. It was something t couldn’t believe.

“But baby,” I said, “We are always going to be together.”

My stomach lurched because I knew she was telling the truth. But I didn’t want to believe the truth, not this time. I knew I had to get her back or else, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I felt like my heart had jumped off of a cliff and is never going to make it back alive. I felt like my life crumbled right in front of me in a matter of seconds.

I could feel her start to remove her arms off of me and leave me in the cold on my doorstep. I watched her trail off to her car and drive away from me. It was the last time I would ever see her. If only I had shown her how much I loved her. If only I had done better. If only these thoughts would leave me alone. If only the past would return to the present. If only everything was different.

I watched her car pull away, for the last time, from my driveway and drive down the road. I could feel my heart start to beat again, but I could feel it wanting to cry. I wanted to die. I knew I wanted to throw myself off of a building in hopes of dying. The thing is I wouldn't be able to get myself to the top of the building without bailing. I felt as though life punched my face and stomach and now I can’t get back up without falling over and breaking a bone. I can’t live with myself anymore. I can’t do this.

Memories of Catherine flooded my head. Her warm, beautiful smile, those cute green eyes. That soft brown hair I used to stroke my fingers through. The scent of her perfume made me melt each time she walked into the room. The taste of her soft lips pressing against mine. It was the best kiss I have ever felt.

I remembered the first time we kissed. We were walking along a cliff and she moved my head forward and pulled her face closer too. She was the first to make contact, but I still remember it all. I ran my fingers through her hair and kissed her like it was the last kiss I was ever going to get.

As we pulled away Catherine whispered “Shaylene I,” she stuttered over her words a few times. I thought it was cute.

“I love you,” I said, knowing what she was going to say next.

I sat down on the ground crying. I wanted her back in my arms. I wanted to cry in her arms, knowing I was safe. Whenever I needed someone to lean on, she was always there. Whenever I felt worthless, she had my back. Whenever I needed extra support, she was always there for me. I stood up, looked up at the sky. It was full of dark-colored clouds and so I started walking down the street. As I was walking I could feel it start to rain start to fall on my black hair.

I looked down at the ground and remembered another time when she dyed my hair hot pink. It stayed in for so long I can't believe it actually came out. I smirked under my messy hair. the thought of being with her again would make me so happy. If only she knew how much I loved her, and how much I still love her. If only I could make the past become a second reality. I kneeled on the ground crying, breathing, surviving. The only thing that I wanted was her. The only thing I needed was her. All I could think to do was call for her.

I screamed “CATHERINE,” I paused for a few seconds to let my tears fall. “ I WANT YOU BACK”

I ran as fast as I could to the spot where we first met, The hanging garden. I remember the first time I was there. The place surrounded by ropes. It's covered in flowers and there were hummingbirds flying around. The sound of their wings was so calming. There was the perfect sunlight shining through the wooden planks all aligned in a row to create a roof. The ground made out of smooth black colored wood. It had a few birdhouses on the railing that aligns the little porch. When it rains the water flows into a little river, and at the end of the river, there is a tiny waterfall. The waterfall has flowers that align its edge makes the whole place look like a fairy garden.

As I arrived at The Hanging Garden I slipped on some water and fell on my face. I tried with all my weak strength to get up and get inside the garden. My hand kept slipping under me and I kept falling on my face. After the fourth try, I got up and ran inside. As I ran my foot ended up sliding on the water from the rain and I ran into a wall. I fell on my knees and looked up. There was nothing in front of me. Catherine wasn’t there standing next to the waterfall-like she always did when she went to cry. Catherine was gone. She pressed the delete button on me in her life. I don't want to believe that any of this is true. Problem. How can you know that the person you once loved has left you in the past for good?

I got to my feet and walked over to the place I first saw her. The little bench by the waterfall. The bench was also made out of nice smooth brown wood. It looked like it had gotten a new coat of paint last night. I sat down on the bench and put my head in my hands and stared at the ground. I didn’t know how I was going to continue doing this. I don’t know how I will be able to find inspiration for my projects. My whole life revolved around that girl. I knew I was crying. I was crying on the inside and out. I could even feel my soul crying. All I could think about was her.

I muttered under my breath, “Baby. Why? After all the times we had. After all those kisses we shared. Why?”

I couldn’t believe my baby girl left me. She left me on the porch in the cold. She left me and it was all my fault. If only I had been there, at night, when she cried herself to sleep. If only I could quit being a coward and actually do stuff with my life.

If only I was there standing by her telling her, “Hey, baby girl. I’m here for you. I got your back. Breathe, and you will be fine. I’m here for you. “I love you.”

If only I was a better Girlfriend. Everything would have been different. Sure most people say the past is past, forgive forget. But what if you can’t forget. What if you can’t forgive? If only the past was the future. If only I could forget her. If only she didn’t stop loving me. Everything would be different.

I’m not sure how long I sat there with my tear-stained face in my hands. But I didn’t walk home for a while. I sat there thinking of all the times I kissed her. All the times we shared, all the times she fell on her face and then I went to lift her back up. If only all those times became a second reality that was permanent. I love that girl, Catherine, please come home to me. I need you. I want you back in my arms. She was the perfect girlfriend. As long as these memories don’t fade away, I will love you.

While trying not to cry, I dried my tear-filled eyes and started to walk home. By then it was pouring, pouring harder with every raindrop that fell. Baby girl, I want you back. While it was still raining I walked out of the hanging garden and trudged my way home. I kept thinking to myself, Catherine, girl what did I do to make you want to leave me? I need you back. I’ll do anything to get you back. Please, girl, come back to me.

It seems impossible having your heart broken into millions and millions of pieces. But there is only one reason a person cries; It is because of a girl. I wish I still had someone to cuddle in my arms. I wish she still loved me. I wish the pain of living would go away.

I muttered under my breath, “If this is what hell feels like, kill me now.”

My shaky breath was making it hard to keep warm. My frigid hands shaking, my sweaty palms drowning themselves in my sleeves. It was all too much to bear.