The East Wing

Small bursts of pain throb behind my eyes as galaxies of light explode in the darkness. I dare not look. Tension and dread hold me hostage, cold sweat drenching the thin sheet. My flimsy layer of protection. Heart racing, I pull it tight over my hunched shoulders with as little movement as possible, trying to burrow myself into cessation. A rustle of cloth penetrates my void, a baited hook to catch my attention. My skin prickles under the unsettling awareness but I refuse to budge for I know what lurks above me, I can feel its glistening eyes watching as its long fingers toy with the fabric of its cloak. A faint rasp of breath skirts the edge of silence, daring me to acknowledge it. Instead, I wrest my focus to my own shallow breathing, forcing myself to count the length of each inhalation. The numbers are as rigid as my petrified body, a concrete point of refuge that I cling to desperately. We remain like this for an eon, but the effort of concentration takes its toll and the rise and fall of my chest lulls my thoughts into a drifting cadence. The order of the numbers no longer important. Silence ebbs back in as the raspy breathing fades, as though the shadow above me is retreating into the darkness.

#

A mumbled conversation weaves its way into my dreams, reeling me into the waking world. Harsh sunlight assaults my eyes as I blink into consciousness. The voices cease and the pleated curtain drawn around my bed is pulled aside rudely by a slender woman in a blue uniform.

“Good morning,” She says, her smile belying the no nonsense attitude she gives off, “up you get, don’t want to miss breakfast again do we?”

I’d much rather go back to sleep but the tone in her voice suggests I should do what she asks so I sit up reluctantly. Satisfied that I’m awake she scribbles something on a clipboard attached to the foot of my bed.

“The cafeteria’s just down the hall, so no wandering off.” She tells me with an accusatory expression.

I nod, confused by the comment and she leaves me to get dressed.

Rummaging through the set of cupboards next to the bed I find a clean T-shirt and as I pull it over my head an elderly man emerges from behind a set of curtains identical to mine

“Morning.” I greet him, inspired by the sense of comradery in our shared space.

“Mornin.” He responds gruffly. As he looks over, I recognize the familiar features of my grandfather. His white hair and beard, the bloated gut barely concealed by his singlet, the mischievous wrinkled smile as he beckons me over to him. Opening his own set of cupboards he reveals a hidden treasure, a large jar of freeze dried coffee.

“Have some of this, it’s much better than the crap they have here.” He says, ladling a few teaspoons of coffee and white sugar into a Styrofoam cup.

“Thank you.” I say, taking it reverently, honoured to be trusted with this secret. The rich scent of coffee triggers my nicotine addiction as it hits my nostrils.

“Would you like a cigarette?” I ask, compelled to gift something in return.

“I don’t smoke.” He tells me.

”Oh, did you quit?” I remember him burning through a pack a day when I was younger.

“Nah mate, never touched them.”

I study him closely for a moment, but his face is unreadable as always.

“If you say so,” I smile wryly, convinced he’s messing with me, “I’ll see you at breakfast then.”

I step out into a pale green corridor, sterilized by fluorescent lights and the strong smell of disinfectant. A few people are loitering nearby talking among themselves. I smile warmly at them as I walk past, a feeling of elation bubbling up inside when they smile back. Following my feet, I let instinct lead me through the maze of halls, past doors marked with small black numbers and others reading STAFF ONLY. A few minutes later I find myself in a small room with shafts of sunlight streaming in through tall glass windows. The golden glow permeating the space instills a feeling of awe and I can tell that right at this moment in time, this is a special place. Outside, a small garden displays its brilliance with striking shades of yellow and green. The sense of awe within magnifies as I’m struck by how incredibly beautiful nature is. I am truly blessed to witness to such glory. In affirmation of my holy state, a ray of sunlight strikes the shiny metal surface of a large hot water dispenser.

Ah! how perfect. Grinning broadly, I fill my cup and open a sliding glass door to a large courtyard. Ten-foot-high concrete walls surround the open space, painted with gorgeous murals of people at play under a stunning blue sky. A few concrete tables are dotted through the space but a strip of lawn on the far side looks much more inviting. The morning air is crisp and cool on my skin as I stroll towards it, so I breathe deeply filling myself with its energy. Before sitting I express my gratitude to the grass, laying my hands on the luscious carpet of green and feeling the flow of the universe through my palms. Rolling up a cigarette to enjoy with the steaming black coffee, I reach into my pocket. There is no lighter. I check my other one, again no lighter. My heartbeat quickens and an uncomfortable sensation fills my chest. Casting about to see if it may have fallen somewhere I spot my friend Joseph sitting at a table on the other side of the concrete yard. The sensation in my chest subsides, and my heartbeat returns to normal, the divine light has once again provided for me this morning, Jo is sure to have a lighter. I cross the yard, feeling light, like a balloon in the hand of a child, one slip away from falling into the sky.

“Good morning Jo!” I smile, clapping my hand on his shoulder.

Surprised by the sudden contact, he looks up at me with wide eyes, but upon recognizing me his soft features break into a smile to match my own.

“M-morning.” He stutters, as a fit of giggles overcomes him.

I beam back at him, “You can feel it can’t you?” I ask.

He nods, looking at me with innocent awe.

“It’s all about love,” I tell him as I take a seat opposite him, “here, let me show you.” Laying my hands gently on his forehead I hum softly, transmitting the energy that has filled me this morning. His smile widens and his eyes close as the full transcendence of the universe envelops him.

“Wow.” he breathes.

Taking my hands off we both smile deeply at each other, an unspoken recognition passing between us.

“Can I have your lighter?” I ask, abruptly ending the sacred moment.

“Yeah of course.” He replies eagerly, passing me a lighter.

I examine it, holding it up to the sunlight.

‘Red. That’s good, it’s the colour of life, blood, love.’ I explain to Jo, sparking the flame and holding it to the cigarette. The harsh smoke tickles my throat as I take a long draw and exhale, relaxing into my exalted status.

“Excuse me! what do you think you’re doing?” An authoritative voice calls out across the courtyard. Looking over my shoulder I see a woman in a blue uniform leaning out the door.

“Put it out now.” She commands, pointing at a sign that reads ‘NO SMOKING’ in large red letters.

“Sorry.” Jo and I mumble to our feet, the elation from the moment before plummeting into shame. I hastily stub the rollie out on the concrete and pocket the acrid smelling butt, along with Jo’s lighter.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you later then.” I tell Jo, standing up to leave.

A look of betrayal crosses his face, and he turns his back to me sulkily, clearly done with my company.

#

The bathroom reeks of stale cigarettes. Turning the taps on to full, I step into the shower and let the hot water melt away my thoughts. The sleek Lynx body wash comforts me with its commercial normality and nostalgia. Steam fills the bathroom as I scrub, obscuring the white tiled walls and fogging the mirror above the sink. An oddly familiar sensation prickles my skull with uncomfortable pressure. Shaking my head I turn off the water and step out to dry myself, massaging my temples with a fresh towel. A subtle movement in my peripherals sends tingles down my spine. Ignore it. Dressing in fresh clothes I dump my dirty ones in the laundry basket and turn to the mirror to check my reflection. The tingles branch out from my spine and cover my body in pins and needles. Dark brown eyes stare back at me, the only point of focus in a face without definition, morphing before my eyes. Unable to settle on one shape, a million different faces flash into being on the mirrors surface, drawing me closer until with a sharp jolt in my gut I realize I’m staring at a stranger. Transfixed by their piercing gaze, the bathroom behind them fades into ether and all that is left is us. My stomach flutters at the intensity of awareness we share, and the strangers face ripples in response, as if the mirror were liquid. Leaning closer I touch my nose to the cold glass. Upon contact, a sudden deep blackness blankets the eyes before me, and an overwhelming sense of malevolence fills the room. I stagger back as though physically hit by the force of it, my chest tightening and the cold, incapacitation of dread weighing me down. Forcing my legs to move, I take the few steps to the door and wrench it open as the lights go out, plunging the room into darkness.

“Got you!” A demonic voice whispers next to my left ear.

I scream and leap through the doorway slamming the bathroom door closed behind me. Heart racing, I sprint through the open bedroom door out into the bright lights of the corridor and straight into a trolley full of linen, scattering towels and bed sheets across the floor. Flailing to keep my balance, a pair of firm hands grip my shoulders sending a bolt of panic through my thrashing body.

“Hey, hey, calm down buddy!”

I turn to my assailant in terror, but instead of the faceless demon, I find the concerned features of a young man in a nurse’s uniform. My shoulders drop in relief, and the thumping in my chest begins to slow.

“That’s right, just breathe,” He says soothingly, relaxing his grip “It’s ok, you’re safe now.”

I believe him. Just his presence seems to drive away the darkness.

“Thank you,” I tell him with tears in my eyes, “you saved me.”

“Heh, wish I could have saved the trolley too.” He chuckles, looking at the mess strewn across the corridor.

#

An odd assortment of people fills the tables of the cafeteria, a large open room with pale blue walls. Delicious smells waft towards me from a serving window, pulling me towards their source. A heavy set man with fiery red hair glares at me as I pass his chair. Hastily looking away, I notice that everyone is looking at me, their stares piercing me, picking me apart. Trying to ignore them, I pick up a plastic tray from the stack and peruse the food on display. A kind faced Indian lady behind the counter asks if I would like the potato curry or the lasagne. The rich meaty scent of Ragu greets my nose and reminds me of how hungry I am. I ask for the lasagne and she loads up my plate with a huge slice.

“Oh and don’t forget dessert.” She says, adding a pudding cup to the tray.

I thank her and continue along the window to the cutlery station. The plastic tray is full of metal forks, spoons and butter knives. I take a fork and spoon then look around cautiously as I reach for a knife. I must be careful where I sit, don’t want to get stabbed. Everyone is pretending to ignore me, but I know they are watching my every move, looking for weakness. As a show of strength and independence I choose a seat at an empty table. A man with menacing features and wild eyes mutters angrily at the table across from me. I can’t make out exactly what he’s saying but I know he’s trying to goad me into a response. Gripping the knife tightly in my right hand, shoulders tense, I look over at him. He’s staring right at me with his brow lowered, a furious stream of words pouring out of his mouth.

“Stop it!” I demand. His eyes widen and his muttering grows more aggressive. Other people are staring at me openly now, it was the wrong move to sit by myself, I’m easy prey now. Shoving my chair back forcefully I stand, grabbing my tray and walk over to a table with a spare seat.

“Can I sit with you?” I ask the group there. A lanky pale man with dark hair and intense eyes looks at me sceptically for a moment, then nods. I didn’t notice the silence before but as the chubby man next to me shuffles over to make space, the noise in the room resumes. The tension subsides slightly and although the wild eyed man is still muttering I can ignore him now.

The group at my table speak to each other but I don’t join in the conversation and instead focus on my food. Damn It’s good, I mean really good, it’s probably the best thing I’ve ever eaten. The texture of the ground meat and pasta is hearty and comforting, and the cheese, oh my god the cheese is amazing. Immersed in my food I eat nearly half of it before I notice that no one else at my table has chosen the lasagne. I look at my plate and inspect it closer, something smells off. Have they used pork maybe? The colour and texture, the way the meat clumps together is not what it should be. Looking over to the serving window the Indian lady meets my eye and smiles. But there is something sinister in her eyes, a malicious glint that I didn’t see before. Then it hits me. Its human, they’re serving us minced human meat! I put down my cutlery and push the tray away, absolutely disgusted that I’ve just ingested human flesh. The rich aroma which had me ravenous moments before, turns my stomach making me nauseous.

“Are you going to eat that?” Asks the lanky guy across from me.

I blanch at the thought. “No way.”

“I’ll have it then.”

I look on horrified, as he pulls the tray over to him, reaches down and picks up the pudding cup. An audible sigh of relief escapes my lips, and he looks at me quizzically.

“I thought you were going to…” I begin but trail off as I hear myself speak.

A spine-tingling dread ripples through my body as I’m struck by the recognition that something is horribly wrong. It’s all crooked, something deep inside me has clicked out of place and I feel askew, like my brain is tilted inside my skull.

Where the fuck am I?

#

Deeply Disturbed by this moment of self-awareness I head back to my room to be alone. Bothered by the lines of pressure prickling my scalp I try to think clearly; Why am I here, what is wrong with me, I don’t belong in a hospital… do I?

I veer from my path and instead head to the reception area for answers.

The foyer is harshly lit by fluorescent lights and a long counter sits between me and an old nurse, immersed in the computer screen before her.

“Um, excuse me,” I ask hesitantly.

“How can I help you?” She responds without looking up from the screen.

“Do you know why I’m here?”

She glances up at me, then sighs rubbing her eyes with pinched fingers.

“Your family checked you in, do you remember that?”

Brow creased in concentration I try hard to remember but find only emptiness. My head spins as I try to think, but bereft of my memories I am lost, with nothing solid to draw from, I have no idea who I am. A sudden surge of vertigo buckles my knees and I clutch the counter for support.

“Are you Okay?” Asks the nurse standing up from her chair.

“Um… well, my family… will they be back soon?”

“I’m sure they will,” she reassures me, her face softening. “Look, I think you might need a lie down love, do you know the way to your room?”

I tell her that I do and leave the foyer as she answers the phone.

She’s right, I do need a lie down.

Feeling shaken I wander back to my room and slump down on my bed where confusion and exhaustion pull me into a restless slumber. At some point I’m woken and given a small tablet in a paper cup which I swallow without protest. The nurse who checks under my tongue seems happily surprised that I’ve not tried to fool her and leaves me to fall back into the world of dreams.

#

My eyes snap open in the darkness, it’s time. A blue light illuminates the room as I check my phone, four am, they should be here soon. Excitement spurs me into action, climbing out of bed I click on the small lamp and straighten the crumpled sheets. From the cupboard I pull out my best set of clothes and dress by the lamp light. My shirt seems to have too many buttons for the number of holes and my pants keep slipping down. Frowning with effort I manage to do up enough buttons to keep my shirt together but searching the cupboard in consternation I can’t find my belt. Digging in my bag next to the bed I pull out my laptop charger, pausing for a second before I loop it through the belt tags on my pants and tie it off in a loose knot. Slipping on my sneakers I hoist the heavy backpack over my shoulders and step outside. The halls are dark as I head towards the foyer, no one is awake yet, just me and the expectant silence of the dawn, heralding my freedom. A small red light above the glass entrance doors indicate they are still locked for the night, so I take a seat on a faded leather armchair and wait patiently.

A clock hanging on the wall above me ticks loudly, tracking the incremental progression of the sunrise. The stale, sterilized scent of the room permeates my clothes, sticking to my skin making me itch uncomfortably. I wait, staring at the glass doors, afraid that if I look away, I’ll break the chain of universal events that are bringing my family here. Like an ancient statue, immune to the passage of time I remain fixed in my position as the darkness outside gradually turns into the pale grey of daybreak.

The fluorescent lights flick on with a blinking hum and a pair of footsteps echo through the corridor.

“Oh my god!” Exclaims a nurse, her hand jumping to her chest. “Jesus you scared the hell out of me, why aren’t you in bed?”

“I’m leaving today,” I respond with a confident smile. “My family should be here soon.”

A look of pity eases the shock on her face. “That’s wonderful, but it’s still a little early for visitors, why don’t you go back to sleep and check again later, ok?”

“No, they’ll be here soon, see it’s getting light outside already.” I assure her.

“Well…” She checks her watch. “ok, you can wait here.”

Disappearing behind the door to reception she returns a moment later with a white blanket and hands it to me.

“You better stay warm at least.” She smiles before returning behind the door.

I wrap myself tight in the crisp fabric and settle in facing the door.

My excitement fades to disappointment each time a nurse arrives for work, but I don’t lose faith, I know they’re coming. Sunlight tracks its way across the floor, my eyelids are leaden, but I force them to stay open. More people arrive and sign in at the front desk, glancing at me as they pass. Finally sleep wins and I succumb to the blackness that embraces me.

A gentle shaking wakes me and I open my eyes, squinting at the sunlight flooding the room. The nurse from this morning has her hand on my shoulder.

“I’m really sorry darling but no one’s coming to visit you today.” She says kindly.

A yawn escapes my mouth and I stretch my cramped arms over my head.

“What are you talking about?” I ask, confused by the sad expression on her face. “Did I miss breakfast?”

Her eyes reflect little stars of light as they hint at tears, and a pained smile creases her cheeks.

“No love, I’ll get you something.”