The Dust Settled

The scent of leather office furniture. The chipper chatter of friendly colleagues as they greet one another. The sound of the elevator dings and chimes just outside the lobby doors. There's a tv on, somewhere nearby. A quick scan of the main reception area soon reveals the window of the lies being depicted. It's a happy reality show depicting the experience of a handful of women and their beautiful weddings. Happy reality.... no such thing. We were supposed to get married, in a hot air baloon over the stunning beauty that is the Grand Canyon.

The detective comes back out to the lobby and introduces me to a woman, i immediately forget her name. He goes on to explain that I'm going to meet with a victim advocate who will explain to me the process of filing an order of protection. I've never done this before. I close my eyes and try to focus on a happy thought and immediately I imaging myself in his arms, as we lay in bed on a Sunday afternoon. The bedroom window was open, birds chirping, soft wind blowing, too good to be true.

And just like that the light in the room is gone and it's a nightmare. The windows and the blinds are closed and there's a blanket hanging over the blinds. It's now the middle of the night, and our bedroom is back lit by the screen saver on the Roku on the tv. He's over me with both hands around my neck with so much pressure that I heard uncontrollable gurgling coming from my mouth. Flailing arms and legs as I attempt to struggle to hold on but with every movement, I feel the fight inside of me dying. Dying.

I'm halfway done with the descriptive for the order of protection when Det. Ho returns to inform me that the nurse is ready to assess the extent of my injuries. The bruises have since turned yellow. 5 nights and 6 days has passed since my Valentines Day terror. He convinced me to let him pick me up that Friday after work. He had brought me a dozen roses and a stuffed animal and chocolates. I honestly didn't see it coming. He held me for the entire weekend. My phone died on Friday night and he kept it like that the whole time. He finally dropped me off at 4am on Monday morning. He didn't want to. I thought I was dead. My chest still hurts. I should've brought my water bottle. My mouth is dry.

A hospital gown with the open back is perfect for this invasive procedure. I was instructed to wash my make up off to make visible any bruising on my face. As if I needed any more reasons to feel insecure right now. Flicker noises from the multiple shots the camera is taking and bright flashes of light in my face. I keep my eyes closed as the forensic nurse gently nudged my face this way and that way for the photo evidence. Her ruler moved across my neck and chest sizing the myriad of bruises. My eyes are burning from excess tears. I can get dressed now.

6 pages of three separate incidents. Very specific dates, very descriptive and very thorough. The order of protection is granted. Quickly. The fear of retaliation is real. Where I'm from we don't call police, justice is handled by our own. There's a completely different set of rules to live by. But this is different. This isn't that.

I close my eyes and try to imagine something good.... something beautiful. We grab any extra bread from above the fridge before it goes bad. I'm excited because we're going to our favorite park. Time to feed the ducks. This is partly a religious ritual, but i didn't think or question anything. We walk through the park to the lake, hand in hand. Something beautiful... something good.

Wake from a deep sleep to my phone ringing. It’s Thursday morning, just past 5am. Caller ID says A woman’s name, his moms… it’s him. I hit red… he calls again, i hit red. Text message…

HIM- Hi baby I’m sorry can you cal me please

HIM- Your on my mind all day can we fix this please

HIM- I’ll do what it takes your way

Crystal- It's a trap. I know ur games. I'm not falling for it anymore.

Crystal- Next time I fall for it, I'll be dead.

Crystal- You accuse of me of being with ur piece of shit brother

Crystal- Your wife is #1

HIM- I know your not I want to fix this

HIM- Fuck her

HIM- I’ll leave her alone

Crystal- No your lying.

HIM- I’ll change my number

HIM- For you

Crystal- Your gonna kill me

Crystal- Im not stupid

HIM- No I ain’t well do counseling

HIM- Like my mom said

Crystal- No

HIM- Baby I want to make this work. I

Crystal- No

Crystal- No u dont

HIM- I know everyone trying fuck our shit up

HIM- Yes I do

Crystal- As soon as u get ur way , u switch up on me! EVERYTIME

HIM- No I won’t

Crystal- NOBODY IS FUKN THIS UP BUT YOU!!

HIM- I want you

Crystal- Your a liar

Crystal- Im a toy for u

Crystal- This is all a game

HIM- I’ll do my robotic

Crystal- And I'm not ready to die

HIM- I still got my paper work

Crystal- Robotic? What does that mean?

HIM- Divorce

HIM- My bad

HIM- I’ll do what it takes

Crystal- Forget it! I don't care! You will never stop accusing me of cheating. I'm not spending the rest of my life getting smacked and strangled. I was scared! I've never been so scared in my life. I have kids too ya know! You don't care about my kids. You don't care about me! You only care about you. You are sick and twisted. You don't have feelings. You are a liar and you treat me like a toy. Everyday I read through our emails and text messages and YOU ARE FUCKING MEAN TO ME!

HIM- I’ll stop that shit. I m going to get this right

HIM- I do care

HIM- I really do care. You know I do baby

Crystal- Today is the day I put my foot down! Today is the day I make a decision to save my own life.

HIM- I know you care too

HIM- Baby I want to be with you

Crystal- I can't get the image out of my head from Friday night. I was so scared and my life is a game to you.

HIM- Baby please

Crystal- No

HIM- I need you

Crystal- It's happened too many times already

HIM- I know you love me

Crystal- I couldn't fukn breathe!!!!!

HIM- That’s why you called

Crystal- I was so scared

HIM- Baby

Crystal- No

Crystal- If I say yes, I sign my own death sentence

HIM- Fuck my brother and everyone else

HIM- They just want to fuck up my shit

Crystal- See what I mean!!!

Crystal- You did this to me!

HIM- They don’t matter

HIM- You matter

Crystal- No

HIM- Fuck my wife

Blocked. Sleep.

He starts emailing.

Anything you want, you want money.

I love you

I’ll fix it, I’ll clean myself up like I used to be

Nobody wants us together

Your my wife

She is not my wife

I want to marry you, your gonna have my baby girl.

No response. By 8am he stops.

2:30pm he’s arrested by Phoenix PD.

3 charges.

No bond.

Sleep.