Battered Woman

There's a chill outside. This is the time of year that the snow-birds begin migrating back to their northern homes. When we're enjoying 9 solid hours of "Valley of the Sun" sunlight and the temperature stays within the 69-76 degree fahrenheit range. Also the time of year that spring love begins to sprout. Valentine's Day gift ideas flood the media waves and street corners. As beautiful as this time of year is, I'm overwhelmed with a mixture of emotions and memories. In my 37 years on this planet, this is hands down the worst Valentine's Day ever.

I'm still in disbelief. Still in shock. I just can't believe this happened again. At the same time, I can't believe I'm still alive. To be honest, the thought is actually more like, why am I still alive?

I loved him. No, I love him.

I didn't want anything to go down like this. We had so many plans and from it all, the most difficult to wrap my head around is that I've begun my life without him. I never thought I would live another day of my life not by his side. It's not like this behavior was "all of a sudden". He's been like this since the beginning. I hid it well. As did he.

He was released from Maricopa County Jail about a month ago. He was arrested in December right before Christmas after my mom called the police when I got to her house and she saw the bruises. He was arrested a few days later.

Just before his release, I attempted to connect with him on an inmate video call that I paid $15 for.

He declined my call.

A week after his release I blocked my number and called his phone.

My heart dropped as soon as I heard his voice and I hung up.

Why do I feel the need to apologize?

He immediately blocks me.

A week later he emails me. He’s done and tells me to move on. It’s a Friday night and I am heart broken. I love him.

I wake up Saturday morning to a text. It's from him. He misses me, he loves me.

Hope has been revived inside of me.

There’s hope.

He has to work so we text and FaceTime all day Saturday. He spends all afternoon with his family (or so he said) and telling me all the great things that are happening and that I should be with them celebrating. His mom was granted approval to begin planning out the development of the strip mall on the reservation and all 3 brothers will have their own business. He wants me to work with him, side by side. It sounds amazing. Sunday morning he goes jogging with his mom up Camelback Mountain. He’s telling me how beautiful the world is and we should enjoy it together. He’s sending me pics. We haven't seen one another since December. He says he’s picking me up for church. I'm nervous. In that back of my mind, I'm worried he is laying it on too thick and I'm walking into a trap. I ignore my conscience. He picks me up and we never made it to church. We go to breakfast instead. How could I not see how thick he was laying it on. I was just eating up.

Things get awkward very quickly when instead of an apology, he repeatedly said, if you hadn't called, I wouldn't have ended up in jail.

"If you wouldn't have called the cops, I wouldn't have gone to jail."

If I hadn't called? If I hadn't called?

How about if you hadn't beat the shit out of me.....

Now a month later I sit here in the same position.

I’m so stupid!

Valentine's Day was on a Thursday this year. We planned to spend the weekend together. I should've seen the trap but I was blind. He picked me up right after work on Friday. I thought we were going to get something to eat but we drove straight to his house.

It wasn't until I heard myself ask the question out loud, "I thought we were getting something to eat?" Now I realized what I had just walked into.

The fear is real.

I don't have time to wallow in emotion, pity or anything... he's going to kill me.

My phone died that first night and I knew if it was ever in his immediate eyesight that he might break it. So i hid it deep down in my purse, under everything and anything I could possibly get it under. I wasn't planning an escape. I was sure that it would only last a couple days and he would drop me off on Sunday. He was a very careful man. He didn't cause scenes in public or private. He's a very private man. He was also a charmer. It was impossible to guess that this man who appeared calm, cool, collected was pure evil in private. Those who knew him, they knew. Sunday came around though, and he didn't seem to be planning to take me home. My neck and chest were already covered in bruises outlining his fingers in myriads of positions. Scratches from my own fingernails clawing at my own chest attempting to relieve the building need for oxygen. On Sunday though, he held on the longest.

I remember the rising fear, trying so hard to breathe. The panic set in quick. I could feel my eyes well up with tears. I could feel my entire head swell just a bit from the backed up blood. He wouldn't let go. The panic reminded me of my big sister April. She won't be able to handle this. But my sister.... I couldn't say anything but his eyes stayed locked on mine as my struggle became more and more urgent. Eventually he watched the life go right out of my body. He can't kill me. When he was younger he wasn't as grateful for his life as he is now. Because he didn't need anything from the world. He hated the world. A newspaper article from 2000 names him and 2 others in a series of random acts of violence in the Camp Verde area specifically naming him as the trigger man.

Moral of that story, I'm lucky he's found a reason to live.

Him and his wife of 20 years have a now 4 year old son who was had a life threatening ailment. His love for his son was apparent and beautiful. His reason for living. Now he has a reason. He couldn't kill me.

I came to with my head still cradled in his arms. I was sobbing before I even came to. He was reassuring me, that I was okay. At first, I didn't know where I was or why I was crying. It didn't take long to put it all back together. He finally dropped me off early Monday morning before he went to work. My eyes welled up with tears as soon as I closed his car door. As I made it up my driveway, tears began to flow. I got inside my house as quickly as I could. My phone began to ring. It was him. As soon as the call went away, I blocked his number. I ran up to my room and my knees buckled as soon as I closed my bedroom door. I was safe. I got myself together and got ready for work. As soon as my boss saw me she asked if I was okay. With a smile on my face and a turtleneck on, I reassured her that all was well. She asked to speak to me in private, we went out back. She asked again, lovingly. I pulled the collar down from my turtleneck. She immediately named Jose. His fingers were still imprinted on my neck and chest accented by scratches from my panicked hands.

February 21, 2019 he was arrested again. The first time all they could charge him with was probation violation back in December. This time, he was being charged with assault with intent to injure and unlawful imprisonment.

I am assigned a victim's advocate. A forensic medical exam is conducted. A very invasive exam.