The Deer

I open my eyes and am unable to recognize anything around me. There are trees in every direction, as far as the eye can see. Where am I? What happened? I look down at myself and see that my clothes are torn, as if a beast had slashed its claws across my chest. I move the shards of cloth to the side and see that, miraculously, I am uninjured. I see a small cut heal over and disappear within a split second, like the last bit of water running down the drain, never to be seen again. It was so fast that I wonder if I had imagined it.

I run my hand over my newly closed wound and feel a mass of scar tissue under the skin. That can’t be good. I check over the rest of my body, and everything seems fine. Nothing feels out of place, even though I have no idea what would have been there before. I manage to pick myself up off of the ground, and begin to look around. Something feels eerily familiar, but I am unable to place it.

I begin walking around aimlessly. After a couple of minutes, I feel a sudden urge to walk in a certain direction, as if a string is attached to my heart, pulling me towards it. The feeling grows stronger and stronger and I begin to run, jumping over downed branches and tree roots sticking out from the ground. Suddenly, I am at the edge of a clearing and am stopped in my tracks. It is almost a perfect circle in the middle of this forest surrounded by dense trees. Tall grass fills the clearing, with scattered wildflowers here and there. As if it had just appeared, I see a being in the center, straight ahead. I can’t quite tell what it is, almost as if it is constantly changing shape. I walk closer to it, unable to hide my awe and amazement at this beautiful creature. As I get closer, the being finally stops at the shape of a deer, but not any ordinary deer. This deer is a beautiful mossy green, with vines and leaves falling down its back. Its antlers appear to be branches. It turns towards me, and I am faced with the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen, the colors of a lavender sky.

Sensing that it will allow me closer, I step forward and place my hand along the side of its face. It tilts its head down, as if asking me to place my forehead against its own. I shift forward, place my head on its head, and close my eyes. It is as if I am pulled into a different reality, feeling everything more intensely than ever before. Colors are more vivid, I can feel every single nerve ending in my body, and I can hear the chirping of distant birds. In my mind’s eye, I am confronted by an ethereal being. It looks human, but I can tell that something is off. The ears are more pointed, the facial structure is very angular, the hands are long and slender, the build is taller than most- but not so much so that it towers over me, it is certainly strong but has soft lines that make it seem more slender. That’s when I notice the eyes — the same color as the deer. As I look closer, I see that the hair is the same brown as the antlers and the clothing is the same mossy green as the hair of the deer. Astounded, I go to open my mouth to speak, but no sound comes out. I can hear the being speak, but not out loud. Its voice is inside my head.

“If you wish to speak, you cannot use your voice,” it says. I try sending my thoughts to it the way it had done to me.

“Where am I?” I ask. “Do you know what happened to me?”

“All will become clear, soon, my love.” My love? Do I know this being? My thoughts race with questions. Whatever this is, it obviously knows me, but how? It isn’t human. What should I do?

“What are you?”

“Darling, do we have to go through this once more? I have grown tired of you posing this question.”

“I would appreciate it, yes.” It sighs at my not knowing. I can sense a bit of annoyance, but it is gone as quickly as it came.

“I am an elf, dear. Although, not completely. I am one of few with the power of shapeshifting. Not all are as powerful as I.”

“Okay, so who are you?”

“Do you not know?”

“I’m sorry, but no. I don’t.”

“I am surprised you do not remember,” it says quietly. It seems almost heartbroken.

“Well, something happened to me out in those woods, and all my memories seem to be gone. The only hints I have as to what happened are my tattered clothes.” I gesture to my body and wince at the memory of how the injury looked. It reaches toward me with an open hand.

“Oh, my dear, what must have happened to you for you to be in this state,” it responds with its voice breaking. I can see the complete and utter sadness behind its eyes. My heart breaks to see it like this, but I can’t place where this feeling would be coming from. It lowers its hand along with its head.

Before I realize what I’m doing, I walk toward it. Something deep inside me feels the need to comfort it. I stop in front of it, and it slowly raises its head to look at me.

“Do you really not remember me?” it asks, looking into my eyes. I place my hand on the side of its face.

“I may not remember, but I wouldn’t feel the way I do if we were strangers.” It covers my hand with its own, and leans into my touch. The corner of its mouth turns up, but I can still sense sadness behind its eyes.

“My dear, you do not have to say things simply for my sake. If you do not remember, you do not remember. I cannot change that.” It gently grabs my hand and lowers it from its face back to my side. Its hand lingers on mine for a moment before letting go.

“If you know anything about me, you would know that I wouldn’t make anything like this up, and you seem to know me pretty well. I would never lie like this. And I know down deep you know that too. Please, just talk to me.” I reach for its hand again. I need it to know that I mean this with every ounce of my being. It looks back up at me.

“Well, my dear, I suppose we could start with my name. Cierdan.”

“See-r-dan?” He chuckles at my butchered pronunciation of his beautiful name.

“I am glad to see that you still have troubles with my name, my love. Try more like this. She-r-dahn. Do your best to flip the ‘r,’ I know that you have always had difficulty with that.”

He is very patient with me as I do my best to say his name correctly. He tries to say that it’s okay, and that I’m close enough, but I am determined to say it right. I need to say it right. I can sense his confusion, apparently, I never tried this hard to say his name before. But I need to do this. I need to do this one thing for him after all he has done for me. Like everything else, I am unable to place it, but I feel a great debt towards him, as if I owe him my life. I finally manage to pronounce his name correctly, and he commends me on my effort.

“My love, you have always been so determined. So insistent. I have always admired that about you, although your parents would always be so frustrated with you when you put your mind to something. Nothing could deter you from the path you had chosen.” I paused for a moment at this. I had completely forgotten about parents, especially mine. He had not said anything about my past up until this moment, I knew I needed to take advantage of it.

“My parents?” Sensing his mistake, he reluctantly replies.

“Yes, my dear. Your parents.”

“Could you tell me about them?” At this, he takes a deep breath. I can tell he doesn’t want to discuss this, but I have no idea why. After all, they’re my parents, not his.

“Your parents were… interesting. They hardly ever saw eye to eye, except when it came to you.” Saying this, he looked into my eyes. “They always wanted what they thought was best for you, even if it harmed you in the end. They wanted what was best for you. Even if it meant taking you away from me,” he looks back down.

“Why are you talking about them in the past tense? What happened?”

“They passed some years back, you were barely older than a child. Though you were young, you knew what it meant. It broke you. No matter what I tried, I could not get through to you. I did everything I could. I did everything. Nothing worked.” His voice cracks, and I can tell he’s holding back tears. I crouch down in front of him and look up into his face, and my heart breaks for him. He has tears streaming down his face. Even though I have just met him, I know that I never want him to feel like this again. I stand back up and pull him close to me in an embrace, and hold him as tight as I can.

“Cierdan, none of this is your fault. I believe you did everything in your power to help me. Please believe me when I say that I hold nothing against you. It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong.” I can feel his breath catch in his chest as he hears these words. He wraps his arms around me and buries his head in my shoulder. I hold him for a moment as he cries until he regains his composure.

We stay like that for a moment longer in each other’s arms before we separate. He has a tear on his cheek. I reach up and wipe it away, leaving my hand on his cheek.

“Are you okay?” I ask, not knowing what else to say. The corner of his mouth raises in a smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. He isn’t looking at me, but past me. He feels so far away even though he’s standing right in front of me.

“I will be okay, my love. You are all I have ever cared about. All that matters is that you are here with me now.”

I suddenly realize that we are still in my mind, and not in the real world. He seems to notice that something has changed and asks if something is wrong.

“I just realized that I’m not actually touching you. Where we are now isn’t reality. Would it be okay if I asked that I see you for real? Not just here?” Moving my hand to his, I continue, “Please, Cierdan. I need to make sure that this is real.”

Very abruptly, I am forced from this space in my mind. I reach out for Cierdan as I am being pulled away. I can hear him shout something, but it feels so far away. Suddenly everything is fuzzy — my vision, my hearing. There’s a sharp pain in my side. I reach towards it and feel something sticking out. That definitely wasn’t there before. I see the blurry form of the deer turning into Cierdan. I hear him yelling for me, but it’s so far away. Everything is so far away. My side hurts so much. Black is creeping into the sides of my vision. I can’t stand up anymore. My vision goes as I fall to the ground. The last thing I see is Cierdan reaching for me. The last thing I hear is him calling my name. The last thing I feel is my body hitting the ground.