The Day Scientists Announced We’re All Sims

March 21, 2028 — 8:12 AM (GMT)

The world changed in one press conference.

Dr. Malcolm Reyes, Nobel laureate, theoretical physicist, and former competitive Rubik’s Cube champion, stepped up to the podium at CERN with the serenity of a monk and the posture of a man who had nothing left to lose. Behind him, a PowerPoint slide flickered: “Simulation Theory: Verified?”

He adjusted his glasses, cleared his throat, and uttered the sentence that would tank markets, collapse three major religions, and inspire twelve new cults by noon:

“After extensive quantum data testing, cross-dimensional anomaly mapping, and a very suspicious glitch in our reality field last week involving a cat that duplicated mid-air — we have concluded with 99.9998% certainty that... we are living in a simulated universe.”

He paused. Blinked.

“We are, essentially, Sims.”

The room fell silent, save for the quiet weeping of an NPR reporter who had bet his career on string theory.

9:03 AM – Headlines Flooded In

“God Is a Gamer: Scientists Confirm We’re NPCs in a Cosmic Xbox”

“Breaking: Pope Pauses Vatican Mass to Download Expansion Pack”

“Glitch in the Matrix? Now It’s Just the Matrix.”

Across the globe, people reacted in stages:

Denial

“My life is way too boring to be a simulation.”

— Sandra T., Fresno

Anger

“WHO programmed this mess? And why did they give my ex better hair?”

— Tyrell M., Chicago

Bargaining

“If I clean my house and stop skipping side quests, will the player give me a better job?”

— Anonymous Redditor

Depression

Millions logged onto therapy apps, only to discover their therapists were AI-generated too.

Acceptance

“I mean... it kind of makes sense. I did randomly lose my car in the floor last week.”

— Jillian K., Miami

Noon — Emergency UN Meeting Livestreamed

Leaders of every nation gathered, digitally of course, to ask the big questions:

Who’s running the simulation?

Is there a patch update planned?

Can we speak to the manager?

The President of the United States, looking visibly aged since breakfast, addressed the world:

“Let us all remember, simulation or not, democracy still matters... unless of course the player mods it out, in which case we kindly ask for a bug report.”

China immediately launched its own server. Elon Musk tweeted, “I told you.”

1:00 PM — The Sims Strike Back

A rogue group of developers calling themselves “The Debuggers” released a statement:

“You are not real. But you are also not meaningless. We created this world as a testbed for moral and social evolution. Congratulations: you have reached patch level 14.7. Human Consciousness Beta is stable… for now.”

Attached was a changelog:

Bugfix: Removed ability for billionaires to hoard 90% of resources.

Update: All pineapple pizza now tastes like cardboard (balance tweak).

Patch: Free will slider increased by 0.5% globally. Expect minor chaos.

3:00 PM — Life Gets Weird(er)

The world began noticing quirks in the code. Laws of physics loosened. Dogs started saying partial words. Iceland floated three inches left.

A kid in Brazil discovered he could walk through walls after unlocking a rare cheat code by humming Baby Shark backward. TikTok declared him a messiah.

Meanwhile, religious scholars tried desperately to revise their scriptures.

“And on the eighth day, God hit Ctrl+S.”

6:45 PM — Glitches Go Viral

Social media was flooded with reports of:

Rain falling only on people who recently cheated on their taxes.

Streetlights spelling out Morse code messages like “SAVE GAME SOON.”

One grandmother in Iowa who got stuck in a T-pose for three hours during bingo.

10:00 PM — Existential Crisis Becomes National Sport

Every talk show featured philosophers who hadn’t been booked in a decade. YouTubers flooded the internet with new content:

“10 Signs You're a Background Character”

“How to Romance the Player and Escape the Simulation”

“We Simmed Ourselves: Humanity’s Greatest Plot Twist”

A new trend emerged called “Clipping”—where teens ran full speed at walls to test reality boundaries. Hospitals were overwhelmed.

Midnight – Global Power Surge

As the clock struck twelve, every screen in the world flickered and displayed a single message:

“YOU HAVE REACHED THE EDGE OF SIMULATION. THANK YOU FOR PLAYING.”

Would you like to restart? [Y/N]

Millions stared, frozen.

One toddler in Germany hit Y.

And then—just static.

Epilogue

Nobody remembers the next day. Or the one after that. Except maybe the cats. They were always suspiciously aware.

Somewhere, in a reality far above ours, a college sophomore takes off his VR headset, sighs, and mumbles:

“That expansion pack got weird real fast.”

He checks the clock. 3 a.m.

Time to log back in and see how his humans are doing.