The Choice

The last memory of reality I have is driving across that wretched bridge the night before Christmas.

From there, darkness.

Pitch black.

Absolutely nothing.

Well, until now.

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I wiggle the first place I find feeling- my fingers. They’re resting gently beside my body; I’m flat on my back. I slowly blink myself into existence, completely unaware of my surroundings. I don’t recognize any of this. A million questions roam through my brain like busy ants. Where am I?

I stagger my way to sitting- that’s when I notice the pain I’m in. Quite literally everything hurts. I can feel my brain pounding against my skull and my ears are ringing. I’m wheezing; I try to swallow, but my throat doesn’t allow as much. My eyes begin to focus as I survey the rest of my body, only to be even more horrified by what I find. Little cuts and bruises everywhere. Everywhere. A couple of deep wounds too, still seeping blood.

My eyes travel to the gaping hole in my right shoulder. It hurts my neck to look at it, so I stare just long enough to see my bone. Suddenly, I feel nauseous. I quickly hunch over as my body convulses without permission.

When I finish, I feel tears running down my face. This can’t be happening. Whatever this is, it can’t be happening. Then, I feel a gentle hand land on my injured shoulder. I immediately cower, shrinking into the smallest ball of safety I can find within myself.

“Hello, Meredith” someone speaks to me. My breath catches as I sit, silent and frozen. I rack my brain for any similarities to one I’ve heard before. Do I know this voice? Off the top of my head, I don’t. But right now, I don’t really know anything.

“It’s okay, Meredith. You can look at me” The voice spoke again. This time, though, I sense warmth- warmth like when my mother talks. I hesitantly open my eyes, unsure of what I will find. I’m in an old passenger carriage of a train. Directly in front of me stands a glowing outline of a man. He looks down at me with bright blue eyes and long, curly brown hair. He’s wearing nothing but a simple cloth to cover his body. The Holy Ghost, himself. I wince, feeling the pain in my body grow.

I try to speak, but words don’t come out, so I whisper. “Where am I?”

He doesn’t move. Instead, he closes his eyes and takes a long, deep breath. I feel annoyed by his peaceful simplicity.

His lips slowly turn up a light smile. “You know where you are, Meredith. Think about it” He stares at me silently before he turns and begins to walk away. I let out a sigh of frustration. What does he mean by that? My brain hurts so much that I can’t think. I don’t want to think. I just want answers.

After a few steps, he pauses, looking back at me. “Believe it or not, you decide where you want to be, Meredith. Not me. My job is to help you get there.”

That knocks my brain sideways. I can feel my heart beat out of my chest; it’s the first time I’ve felt it in a while. Good to know I’m alive, right?

Wait a minute.

In this very moment, I know where I am. I know exactly where I am. And suddenly, I’m more scared than I’ve ever been in my entire life.

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Growing up, I always went to church with my family. We were regulars in our small congregation- my parents, my three brothers, and me. We were a happy little family, worshiping a higher power much greater than our own.

When I married my husband, we happily found a church to call our own. I envisioned my family running through the stained glassed doors every Sunday, my kids cramming into their favorite pew. If I was lucky, my kids would have my husband’s gorgeous eyes and his unwavering faith. When my daughter was born, reality found its way into my perfect life.

And, just as it all began, my world came crashing down, hard.

A year and a half ago, my husband Ethan and sweet daughter Lucy died in a car accident. She was three years old when God called her home. I’ve continually tried to suppress my emotions, because sitting in the pain that comes along with losing your entire family is too hard to fathom, especially alone. And so, I hid.

One thing I did do, though, is promise to make them proud. Come hell or high water, I was going to do whatever it took to live my life for and in honor of my late family. I had to be strong for them because they'd expect nothing less of me.

I’m just now able to experience life in color again. At some point in time, you have to open your eyes again and do things for yourself.

Through all of this, I still believe. I believe there is the greater good and I have faith. I have no choice- I must believe. Right now, it’s all that I have.

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“I’m in the ‘and’, aren’t I?”

He furrowed his brows. “What do you mean?”

“You know, the in-between.” Confidence begins to grow under my voice.

He stays silent. Suddenly, it all comes back. My life, who I was, who I am now, who I want to be… And the reason I’m here in the first place- the accident.

“This train I’m on. It’s the in-between. The passageway between heaven and earth. The ‘and’.

The smile appears on his face again. “Interesting logic you have.”

Although my pain hasn’t subsided much, my nerves have. “I remember now. I was in a car accident- my car hurled over an icy bridge. It was Christmas Eve. I had gone for a drive; it had started snowing. I hit a patch of back ice, and… Bam, the in-between.”

He chuckles lightly and reaches out his hand. “Come with me.”

I hesitate for a moment but take it anyway. As soon as we touch, I feel different. Lighter, almost. More noticeably, my pain dims like lights in a movie theatre. I look around me and through the frosty windows. We’re walking down the center aisle of the old railcar. I don’t see people in the velvet seats, but I can feel them; or rather, their souls. It’s strange, but I’m not afraid.

I see no end to the train car we’re in. After a while of walking, I speak up to him. “So, what happens next?”

“As I said before, you make the choice. You get to choose your journey, and when it ends.” He continues, “Do you believe in free will, Meredith?”

I don’t have to think before I answer. “Of course, I do. The ability to make decisions on my own. Why wouldn’t I?” I’m speaking honestly. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Everything I’ve experienced in my life- no matter how good or bad, holds a lesson to be learned.

He speaks again, “The same concept applies here. Simply put, I do not control you. Or anyone, for that matter. Free will. I created mankind and the ability for them to choose for themselves. The good and evil in this world are consequences of human choice, but I am not the ultimate creator like some think.”

I furrow my eyebrows; this stumps me. I’m still holding his hand when I stop our stroll to absorb his words. This is a lot to take in. My mind immediately travels to deeper depths. I am a 31-year-old woman. My husband and daughter left me for heaven a year and a half ago. Suddenly, here I am, quite literally hovering between life and death, and the choice to join them is dangling like a carrot in front of my eyes. It’s scary how quickly things can change.

It can’t be that simple, can it?

I shake my head clear. I know I cannot be thinking like this. I miss my family so much, every day it’s hard to breathe. I will never be able to fill the gaping hole they left in my heart, but I know better than to just give up. If there’s one thing my husband taught me, it’s that faith is the strongest thing I have in myself. I’ve worked way too hard and come way too far to let everything go now.

I straighten up, thankful that my body isn’t aching quite as bad as it was earlier. The gash on my shoulder seems to have stopped bleeding as well.

He speaks again, “This train never stops moving. It’s ever existing, Meredith. The longest, fastest, most important train you’ll ever know. So long as you believe in me, you have a choice. So, what will it be?”

I take a moment to think through my answer. “I miss my family more than anything in this world. Every night, I dream of being with them and becoming a family again. When I wake up in the morning to an empty bed, the reality of opening my eyes to find myself alone is sickening…”

I pause again, gathering strength for what I’m about to say. “But I choose to live” I smile through my tears as a rainbow shows through storm clouds.“I was put on this earth to be something great. What a shame it’d be if I threw everything I’ve worked for away. The least I can do for my family is continue living the life that they couldn’t. So, yeah. I choose life. In fact, I’d choose it a thousand times over if I could.”

He places his hand on my shoulder again. Suddenly, I can see the end of the train car. A light showed through the sliding door’s window as it opened. I feel a strange pull to turn around; when I do, I see her. There, right in front of my eyes, sits my precious daughter. She’s absolutely radiating, the biggest smile on her face. Ethan sits beside her, his hand gently rubbing circles on her back as he reads her an old children’s story. Lucy seems completely captivated by his words as she leans into her favorite spot on his shoulder. My hands cover my mouth as I sit in blissful awe. Time freezes when I catch Jeremy looking up at me. My heart flutters and it immediately takes my breath away. To feel my heart beat like that, for him, again, after so long… I can feel the tears running down my face and onto my shirt now. At this very moment, somehow, I’ve fallen in love with him all over again.

He grins and winks at me before returning focus to Lucy. I can’t even begin to comprehend my emotions. My family, my everything, in front of my eyes. I begin to reach my hand out to feel Jeremy, but I’m pulled away before I can. “We must go, Meredith.”

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People often commend me for my strength. They say it takes a true act of courage to get up every morning with a smile on my face. While I do appreciate the kind words, here's the thing- I don’t have a choice.

I think people forget that the world doesn’t just stop when things fall apart. The earth never stops spinning; life goes on.

Yes, I’ve had my moments. I’ve done things I’m not proud of and I regret a lot. I miss my family more than absolutely anything. But I am who I am today because of them. The reason I get up in the morning and smile is because of them. I imagine Lucy in her father’s arms giggling as he holds her tight. I’m thankful they’re okay and happy, and now, I'm sure of that. Although I'd give anything to be with them again, my time on earth has not come to an end just yet.

After all, I haven’t finished making them proud.