The Chocolate Cake Taste Test

Grandma Onie was definitely on the downward slope now. We were all sad as we left the nursing home, worrying that this might be the last time we saw our grandmother. I just want to get back home and watch some YouTube; I mean who in their right mind wants to spend the afternoon with their mother and little brother in an “old folks” home. Just before we got home a thought popped in my head, “I wonder what story Grandma was talking about, when she said no one would ever believe it.” Mom that grandma had lots of interesting stories and someone really should write them down. My mind kept returning to this throughout the night. The next morning when I opened my eyes, I knew I was going to be the one to record those stories and pass them on.

Everyone else was gone so I took the opportunity and got on the bus to the “old folks” home. I had a notebook, pen, my phone to record and some snacks. I was a little nervous when I walked in the room but grandma put me at ease with how thrilled she was to see me. I explained why I was there and Grandma Onie perked up saying, “in that case break out those cookies and I will have them bring us some milk. I got one hell of a story that is out of this world.” She giggled like she was a young girl again and I could see the lively soul that was still in her eyes.

Grandma looked more serious now, “Veronica are you ready to record my story? I don’t want you to miss any of it.” I put away my cookies and started recording. “Yes grandma, I’m ready, let's do this.” She laughed and settled in, ready to tell the story she has held onto for decades. “It was 1954 and I was a young woman, full of energy and pep in my step. My brother and I were bored and looking for a mystery to solve. We read a lot of Nancy Drew and the Hardy boys so we were always in detective mode.

“Who are those people”, I asked her getting confused already. “It’s not important Veronica just look it up on Giggle or whatever you teenagers use for information instead of books.” I rolled my eyes as she continued. “It was near the end of the summer when the first death happened. It was my dad’s friend who was healthy and active, in the prime of his life. His wife found him dead in the yard without a scratch on him. The police did their investigation but they couldn’t figure out what had caused his death. After that there were at least two deaths per week and each one was more puzzling than the next. The only thing that they all had in common was a slice of chocolate cake” I was shocked. I assumed this was going to be some story about sewing or something, not a real-life mystery. I questioned her on this one, “What do you mean a slice of chocolate cake? Like they all ate it before they died? That sounds dumb but death by chocolate does have a ring to it.”

Grandma took a drink of water and then went right back to her story. “Not exactly, well I mean yes, they all had at least one bite out of them, However, the survivors at every household had no idea where the cake came from. It wasn’t left over or something, it seemed to just appear overnight. So, you can see why this all caused a lot of talk. The murders had been happening for a few months when I went to stay the night at my best friend's house. It was her birthday so my parents had to let me go even though the whole town was nervous about people dropping like flies. There were all kinds of rumors floating around but the police still had no leads about whatever or whoever was causing the deaths. At the slumber party I was the last one to fall asleep. I looked at the clock to see if it was almost daylight, it was 3:33am. I was going to the kitchen for a little snack when I saw ‘them’.”

I jumped forward in my seat, excited for some real action and blurted out, “It was the killers, wasn’t it? The people who had been poisoning and planting the pieces of cake!” Grandma Onie slowly nodded her head looking more serious now and said, “It was the killers but they weren’t people, they were not from this planet. It turns out they were aliens.” I let out a huge sigh in disbelief, “That’s crazy! Only kooks believe in aliens or it’s the dementia. You are really, really old you know.” Now it was Grandma who let out the dramatic sigh, “Silly child, do you actually believe that we are the only intelligent life in this universe? Before I continue my TRUE story, let me tell you a little about what I have discovered about aliens. 1.) They exist and do visit Earth from time to time. 2.) There are many different types of alien species. 3.) They are not malicious and out to destroy humans, in fact they are not good or bad they just have different goals than us. Now just suspend your disbelief and open your little mind so I can get this story out. This is why I haven’t told this to anyone in 60 years.”

“In the 1950’s there were a lot of alien encounters and sightings, but the government had ‘scientific’ reasons why those instances couldn’t be true. I figured that now is the best time to get my story out while I still can and the culture is much more accepting now. Surely, you have heard on YourTube that the government is about to announce that aliens do exist.” I had to roll my eyes at that and replied, “It’s YouTube grandma and yes I have heard that.” She was satisfied with knowing I wasn’t totally clueless. “Anyways, back to the aliens in the kitchen and the slice of chocolate cake. They weren’t your typical aliens that we see depicted on TV. They were slender and tall with long arms and legs. They were the color of shadows. Around the edges of their outline, they were wobbly, like they were vibrating. I was alarmed but for some reason not scared. Maybe I was too nervous and in desperate search of an adventure to be scared. There were three of them around the kitchen table, one was picking up my friend's vanilla cake we had earlier and another was placing the slice of chocolate cake in its place. It looked very appetizing and fit the description of the cake at the murder scenes exactly. The third one was obviously the leader they were talking to each other but not out loud. It is hard to describe but it was like I was ‘hearing’ them talking inside my head. I gathered that they were going back to their ship after this last piece of cake was in place.”

I was all into this story now, “what did you do then grandma, did you run screaming or go to the police?” She looked at me like she was disappointed and said “I did what Nancy Drew would have done. I followed them back to their ship and snuck on behind them, but I did stop long enough to throw away the chocolate cake. I told you I was desperate for adventure. Well apparently, they were having a meeting about how the cake experiment was not going as planned. I was hiding over in the corner taking in every word. So, to make a long story short, they were trying to get rid of people who were ‘stupid’ and acted on impulse without thinking. They were actually trying to make Earth a better place, from their point of view. Their idea was if someone was dumb enough to eat a piece of chocolate cake, not knowing where the hell it came from, then they should die. They would be holding the rest of us Earthlings back from evolving into a higher state of consciousness. What they didn’t account for was the power of chocolate cake. The leader was angry saying the rest of them should have done more research and found out about how most humans cannot turn down a slice of chocolate cake. It became clear to them that humans craved this food so much that they would suspend all rational thought and eat the most random piece of cake ever. I was hopeful that this would cause them to give up on their mission but they were not aborting, even though they knew that they were killing smart and dumb people alike. They were instead brainstorming of other foods they could use in place of the cake. Ironically, they were not the highly intelligent type of aliens. One of them mentioned what about trying the alien’s favorite food, which was pickled pig’s feet. “

I had to stop grandma then saying, “Wait a minute, what? Is that some kind of alien delicacy or something?” Grandma laughed and replied, “No, it’s a human food believe it or not and my dad used to keep a big jar on our counter. They are exactly what the name implies, pig’s feet that are cooked then pickled. I know, they are horrible but apparently the aliens had developed a taste for them on their visits to Earth. I hurried out of the ship before they could spot me and ran home. I woke up my brother and told him what had happened. Surprisingly he didn’t act the least bit surprised he just got out of bed and said, ‘Well in that case lets go get some picked pig’s feet and poison’. And that is just what we did, don’t ask how we did it. Let’s just say I knew a guy who knew a guy. After we got the items we needed, I walked my brother back to where the ship was parked. Luckily for us all the aliens were asleep in their sleeping pods. We placed the poisoned pickled pig's feet all around the ship and left. The End.” Well, Veronica, I’m going to take a nap now that wore me out.

“What the hell??” I accidently shouted and then quietly said “What happened next?” Grandma sighed like this question was putting her out, “Our plan worked the aliens ate the pickled pig's feet and they all died. I guess the government just hid the ship and covered up the evidence. The cake killings did stop and people could enjoy chocolate cake again. Do you know what the moral is in this story?” Exhaustedly I said, “Honestly grandma I do not know what the moral is, my head is swimming right now.” Well, there are a few morals actually but I will make it quick. One is that you should never eat cake that appears overnight, out of the blue, from an unknown source. Also do not throw stones if you live in a glass spaceship.” She giggled at that one and told me to go on home and share her story with the world. So crazy as that may sound that is what I am doing now, as I eat a piece of chocolate cake.

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