The Chains of Matrimony

1.)

Once upon a time in a place called New Eko (which was really Old London populated by various Africans in the diaspora), there was a man called K____ Á____ who was really charming and magnetic and lascivious.

K____ had a girlfriend who became his wife after five months of dating and they had an extravagant wedding in the most expensive residential and retail district in New Eko. The drinks kept flowing and all the guests were given gifts to take home and they all said, "this is the best wedding I've been to! Isn't love just wonderful?"

But then K_____ was arrested only a month after the wedding in an uninspiring hotel in the central end with a woman who was definitely not his wife. They were having dinner in at the brightly-lit hotel restaurant at 10:20 pm when the ATF - the Adultère Task Force ("Violence sounds beautiful, civilised even in French," The Ruler was fond of proclaiming) - charged into the dining area, startling the well-dressed drunk at the bar and the group of university students seated in the middle of the area.

K____, seated in the direction of the restaurant entrance, spotted the agents and the melanin left his face. He instinctively began touching the chunky cravat scarf wrapped around his neck. "Wait," K____ began, "what is the meaning of all t-" DOOF! The butt of an agent's shotgun smashed into his cheek. K____ fell backwards out of his chair and his dining partner screamed manically. The university students all took out their mobile phones and started filming the spectacle. The bartender, tasked with serving the inebriate with the double-breasted suit and loosened tie, shook his head as he watched the students.

The ATF agents, dressed in white, surrounded K____ as he lay on the floor. One of them knelt down beside him and reached out for the cravat, pulling it away from his neck. K____, groaning at this point, looked dazed

"We got another scumbag, boys," said the kneeling ATF agent, taking off his blue mirrored aviators to look closely at the large locket around K____'s neck, previously hidden by the wool cravat. It was a copper heart-shaped locket, held around his neck by a sizable chain link choker and fastened by a sturdy padlock. The locket had a small keyhole as well.

One of the standing agents, a tall man with a mini afro and a brush moustache looked over at K____'s female companion. "Check inside the locket," he said.

The kneeling agent reached for a small key attached to one of his belt loops and inserted it into the locket's keyhole. He turned the key, opened the locket and took out the passport photo. He examined the picture and looked at the frightened woman sitting at the table. Then he handed the picture over to the moustached agent. "I knew it," said the kneeling agent.

The agent with the moustache smiled but it was not a friendly smile. "Sir?" he called out to K____.

K____ was grimacing and his cheek looked swollen and lumpy. "Yes, Mr....sorry, I can't see your name badge; I'm finding it difficult to open my eyes."

"That's fine," The agent said. " I just need to know if you are still with us. Now, Sir, this woman seated here is not your wife, is that not correct?"

K____ sighed. "No. No, she is not. But-"

"Okay, thank you," interrupted the agent. "So why are you at a hotel at this time of day, with a lady who is not your wife?"

"I-I can explain, Mr...Sir."

"Well, I hope so, for the sake of everyone here tonight." The agent with the moustache looked over at the woman seated; she was still shaking.

"Sir, this lady here, this lady sitting down is here to discuss business with me. That's it."

The agent with the moustache looked at his colleagues. "Mm-Hmm. But of which kind?"

Upon hearing that, P___ looked horrified and attempted to offer some type of explanation but was hushed by the agent. "That's alright, Madam. If it's alright with you, I'd like to hear the gentleman on the floor speak."

"Sir," K____ said, sounding panicked, "I promise you, we were discussing business. I need to provide for my family and P___ came to listen to my business proposal."

The moustached agent stared at K____ but did not respond. He turned to the other agents. "Eric, do you have the-" One of the agents reached over to give him an index card. "Thank you, Eric, that was fast." He scanned the card for a few seconds.

"K____ Ò__ Á_____, it says here you are a registered nurse and that your lovely intimate, Ė___ P___ B_____ is an Economics lecturer. So what I'd really really like to know, is, which business opportunities might possibly exist between the two of you. And why - if as you claim, this encounter is on the other side of clandestine - you felt the need to hide your matrimonial locket under your neck accessory. The rules on displaying said locket at all times have been made painstakingly clear, as well as the consequences for not doing so. "

K____ made a sound that expressed a realisation of his inevitable fate, a cry to God and a cry for worldly help all at the same time. "Sir, this is a mistake, I can explain everything, please..."

The agent with the moustache gestured with his neck in K____'s direction and the other agents reached for K____ and P___ - who were both screaming at the same pitch - and dragged them out of the restaurant and hotel.

2.)

"Your Excellency," called out a lady to The Ruler, who was in his office. The office was the size of an assembly hall. Seated languidly around him were his ministers. Some looked bored, some looked scared. All looked luxurious. The Ruler, decked out in heavily starched military garb, was solving a crossword puzzle in a newspaper.

"Yes, Foreign Affairs?" The Ruler answered, without looking up.

"I have been on the phone," the Minister of Foreign Affairs said, "with various leaders around the world-"

"So?" interrupted The Ruler, still not looking away from the puzzle.

"They have all told me - while imploring me to make it known they do so with the utmost respect - that executing another Love Criminal would not be the greatest idea."

The Ruler dropped the pencil he was using and looked at the minister. He looked more irritated than offended. "Another? What do they mean by another?"

The Minister of Foreign Affairs looked at the Minister of Police Affairs, who just shrugged. The Minister of Foreign Affairs looked nervous.

"Your Excellency, this would be the 400th Love Criminal sentenced to death this year."

The Ruler looked surprised. "400th?" he said, looking at The Minister of Police Affairs, who nodded at him. "Yes, your Excellency."

"Wow," said The Ruler. He picked up the pencil again. "Anyway, this one has to die; he had the audacity to hide his locket. This is the worst type of Love Criminal; one who carries out his or her heinous deed under the pretence of being untethered. That is a slap in the face to the institution of marriage and as we all know, if we display leniency here, we might as well all pack up and give in to anarchy. Of the demonic kind."

"You are right, Your Excellency-"

"Thank you, Foreign Affairs. I knew we would arrive at the same conclusion."

The minister of Foreign Affairs coughed. "Having said that, may I offer my opinion on the matter, Your Excellency?"

The Ruler frowned. "Well, you have always been the bravest person in the room."

"Thank you, Your Excellency. I have read the statement given by the Love Criminal; he is adamant that his only intention was to obtain a contract to distribute medical supplies to Love Abetter's country of birth. I have been reliably informed that although she is a lecturer in a University, she is a member of the Royal Family in B____."

The Ruler snarled. "He is a liar. I heard his wife is wealthy too. It is clear to see that he is an extremely lazy individual who sees marriage as a means to licentious behaviour." The ministers exchanged glances at one another.

"You are most likely correct, Your Excellency," replied the Minister of Foreign Affairs, walking closer to The Ruler's table. "But his additional claim is that his wife lied to him about her wealth and he has been left to deal with the huge debt incurred by their lavish wedding and honeymoon. Therefore he saw it as his duty to do whatever he could to earn more money."

The Ruler stopped writing again. "And did you verify his story?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"It is more than likely that his wife's inheritance is really a credit card with an inexplicably high credit limit."

There was laughter around the office from everyone except The Ruler.

"Well, if this is the truth," The Ruler said, "this is not good."

"Also, we have a testimony from the Bartender who called the ATF that the man and his friend did not stay in any of the hotel rooms."

"Hmmm." Said The Ruler, scratching his head. The Minister of Foreign Affairs knew about the past anguish which birthed the leader's fixation with infidelity, but she still struggled to understand or accept it.

"And while we do not need the validation of other countries, the turning narrative may complicate our lucrative export trade. Can we not pardon this man, and wait a while before sentencing anyone else?"

The Ruler deliberated for a while and The minister was almost certain she had gotten through to him when the frown returned across his face.

"I could forgive him....but I want to talk to his wife first. Let me see what kind of man he is before I consider pardoning him."

The Minister of Foreign Affairs shook her head. She knew the Love Criminal was already a thing of the past.

THE END