The Bench That Never Moved

“You sit here every day.”

“Most days.”

“Why this spot.”

“It’s quiet.”

“There are quieter places.”

“Not like this.”

“You waiting for someone.”

“I used to.”

“They running late.”

“They stopped coming.”

“Then why keep showing up.”

“Habit.”

“That’s a weak reason.”

“It’s an honest one.”

“You look like you’re thinking.”

“I’m trying not to.”

“About what.”

“About how I ended up here.”

“That can take a while.”

“I have time.”

“Do you.”

“I keep telling myself I do.”

“You don’t sound convinced.”

“I used to believe time would sort things out.”

“And now.”

“Now I’m not sure it does anything unless you meet it halfway.”

“You sound tired.”

“I am.”

“Of what.”

“Carrying things I don’t know where to put.”

“You could put them down.”

“I wouldn’t know how.”

“You just stop holding them.”

“That sounds easier when you say it.”

“It usually does.”

“You come here often.”

“More than I admit.”

“For the quiet.”

“For the remembering.”

“That doesn’t sound peaceful.”

“It isn’t always.”

“So why come.”

“Because I used to believe someone was listening.”

“Used to.”

“I still do. Sometimes.”

“What changed.”

“Life.”

“That answer again.”

“It’s a popular one.”

“What did life do.”

“It kept going.”

“That’s not an offense.”

“It felt like one.”

“Why.”

“Because I asked for things.”

“And.”

“And they didn’t happen.”

“You think that means no one was listening.”

“It felt that way.”

“Feelings aren’t verdicts.”

“They’re convincing though.”

“Yes.”

“I grew up believing.”

“In what.”

“That I wasn’t alone.”

“And now.”

“Now I feel like I’m talking into open air.”

“You’re still talking.”

“Old habit.”

“Habits tell the truth sometimes.”

“I don’t know what I believe anymore.”

“You don’t have to know.”

“That doesn’t seem right.”

“Why.”

“Because belief is supposed to be solid.”

“So is a bench.”

“And yet it wears down.”

“I didn’t expect doubt to feel like this.”

“Like what.”

“Like grief.”

“That’s not uncommon.”

“I thought doubt would feel sharp.”

“It can.”

“This feels slow.”

“Those are usually the hardest.”

“I miss the certainty.”

“Certainty is comforting.”

“So is silence.”

“Is it.”

“Sometimes.”

“Doesn’t feel like it today.”

“Today might not be for answers.”

“Then what is it for.”

“Staying.”

“I’ve heard that before.”

“It bears repeating.”

“I don’t know if I stayed.”

“You came back.”

“I don’t know why.”

“Neither did the disciples.”

“That’s not reassuring.”

“It’s honest.”

“I used to pray like I was sure.”

“And now.”

“Now I pray like I’m unsure anyone’s there.”

“And yet.”

“And yet I still talk.”

“That counts.”

“Does it.”

“Yes.”

“I thought faith meant having the right words.”

“It means showing up.”

“I’ve been angry.”

“About.”

“About the silence.”

“Silence isn’t absence.”

“It feels like it.”

“So did the cross.”

“That’s a heavy comparison.”

“It’s meant to be.”

“You think He understands that feeling.”

“I think He lived it.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready to believe that again.”

“You don’t have to believe everything at once.”

“What if I never get back what I lost.”

“You won’t.”

“That’s not comforting.”

“You’ll get something else.”

“Like what.”

“Depth.”

“That sounds expensive.”

“It is.”

“I didn’t ask for this.”

“No one does.”

“Sometimes I envy people who never questioned.”

“They question too.”

“They hide it better.”

“Or talk about it less.”

“I talk too much.”

“You listen too little.”

“To whom.”

“To the quiet you came here for.”

“I thought you said silence could be prayer.”

“It can be.”

“Then why does it feel empty.”

“Because you expect it to answer.”

“What should it do.”

“Hold.”

“That’s it.”

“Most of the time.”

“I don’t know if I trust that.”

“Trust grows slowly.”

“So does doubt.”

“Yes.”

“I wish I had something clearer.”

“You have presence.”

“That feels small.”

“It’s enough to start.”

“I don’t even know who I’m talking to anymore.”

“You never really did.”

“That sounds unsettling.”

“It’s meant to be freeing.”

“I used to picture God as close.”

“And now.”

“Now He feels distant.”

“Distance isn’t always movement.”

“What is it then.”

“Perspective.”

“I don’t like this angle.”

“Neither did the apostles.”

“You keep saying that.”

“Because they stayed.”

“I’m not sure I have their strength.”

“They didn’t either.”

“So what did they have.”

“Willingness.”

“I can manage that.”

“That’s more than you think.”

“I don’t know what tomorrow looks like.”

“You don’t need to.”

“I don’t know if I’ll come back here.”

“You will.”

“How can you be so sure.”

“You’re already halfway.”

“By sitting.”

“By speaking.”

“By staying.”

“I don’t feel finished.”

“You’re not.”

“Then I guess I’ll sit a while longer.”

“I’ll be here.”

“You don’t mind.”

“No.”

“Even if I don’t say anything.”

“Especially then.”