The Things That Almost Got Said

“I haven’t done this in a long time.”

“That’s all right.”

“I don’t even know where to start.”

“You can start anywhere.”

“I used to believe that was true.”

“What changed.”

“Life.”

“That tends to happen.”

“I was taught that words mattered.”

“They still do.”

“I don’t know if I believe that anymore.”

“You’re speaking now.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m saying anything.”

“Sometimes speaking is enough.”

“I used to think silence was holy.”

“And now.”

“Now it feels like avoidance.”

“There’s a difference.”

“I know.”

“Then say what you came to say.”

“I don’t want to say it wrong.”

“You won’t.”

“I already have.”

“You’re still here.”

“For now.”

“You can take your time.”

“I feel like I’ve used up too much of it.”

“Time doesn’t keep score.”

“I do.”

“That sounds heavy.”

“It is.”

“Then put some of it down.”

“I don’t know how.”

“You start by naming it.”

“I’m afraid if I name it, it becomes real.”

“It already is.”

“That’s easy for you to say.”

“Why.”

“Because you don’t have to live with it.”

“You think I don’t.”

“I don’t know what you live with.”

“That’s true.”

“I used to think faith meant certainty.”

“It doesn’t.”

“Then what does it mean.”

“Staying.”

“When everything feels wrong.”

“Especially then.”

“I didn’t stay.”

“You came back.”

“I don’t know if that counts.”

“You’re here.”

“I almost wasn’t.”

“But you are.”

“I thought I could outrun it.”

“What.”

“The doubt.”

“And.”

“And the anger.”

“And.”

“And the feeling that I had been abandoned.”

“By whom.”

“I don’t know anymore.”

“That sounds like grief.”

“It didn’t feel holy.”

“Grief rarely does.”

“I thought if I questioned it, it meant I never believed.”

“Questioning is not the same as leaving.”

“It felt like betrayal.”

“To who.”

“To everything I was taught.”

“And to yourself.”

“Yes.”

“That’s a hard place to stand.”

“I didn’t stand.”

“What did you do.”

“I filled the silence.”

“With what.”

“Noise.”

“Work.”

“Distraction.”

“Anything that didn’t ask me to listen.”

“And did it help.”

“No.”

“But it kept me busy.”

“Busy can feel safe.”

“It was easier than admitting I was lost.”

“Lost people still have direction.”

“It didn’t feel that way.”

“When did that change.”

“I don’t know exactly.”

“Try.”

“There was a moment.”

“Go on.”

“I was angry.”

“At.”

“At God.”

“And.”

“At myself.”

“And.”

“At the idea that faith was supposed to fix things.”

“It doesn’t fix.”

“I know that now.”

“What happened in that moment.”

“I stopped pretending.”

“That’s not nothing.”

“I said things I wasn’t supposed to say.”

“To whom.”

“To God.”

“And.”

“And I waited for something terrible to happen.”

“And did it.”

“No.”

“What happened instead.”

“Nothing.”

“Sometimes nothing is an answer.”

“It didn’t feel like one.”

“It kept you here.”

“I don’t know why.”

“Neither did the apostles.”

“That’s supposed to be comforting.”

“It’s meant to be honest.”

“I wanted certainty.”

“And you got.”

“Silence.”

“And you stayed.”

“I didn’t at first.”

“But eventually.”

“Yes.”

“Why.”

“Because leaving didn’t make the questions go away.”

“And staying did.”

“No.”

“Then why stay.”

“Because the questions felt different here.”

“How.”

“Like they were allowed.”

“They are.”

“I wish someone had told me that earlier.”

“They probably did.”

“I probably wasn’t listening.”

“That happens too.”

“I’m afraid I’ve wasted too much time.”

“Nothing offered in honesty is wasted.”

“I don’t know if I can make up for it.”

“You’re not asked to.”

“Then what am I asked to do.”

“To be here.”

“To speak.”

“To listen.”

“And when I fail.”

“You will.”

“And then.”

“You begin again.”

“That sounds too simple.”

“It isn’t easy.”

“I don’t feel worthy.”

“No one ever does.”

“That’s not very encouraging.”

“It’s truthful.”

“I thought faith meant being strong.”

“It means being honest.”

“I thought doubt meant the end.”

“It can be the beginning.”

“I wish I had known that sooner.”

“You know it now.”

“I don’t want to leave here unchanged.”

“Then don’t.”

“I don’t know what to say next.”

“You don’t have to.”

“But I came to confess something.”

“You already have.”

“I didn’t say it.”

“You don’t always need the words.”

“I thought words were the point.”

“They’re a doorway.”

“To what.”

“To listening.”

“I think I understand.”

“Do you.”

“I think I’m still learning.”

“That’s enough.”

“I was afraid you’d be disappointed.”

“I’m not.”

“Why not.”

“Because you came.”

“Even after everything.”

“Especially after everything.”

“Can I stay a little longer.”

“As long as you need.”

“I don’t know what comes next.”

“That’s all right.”

“I think I’m ready to try again.”

“That’s how it usually starts.”