The Attachment

For so long my life was crowned by what I didn't really need, those things that seemed important but in a way held me back, those things I thought I couldn't do without.

As time went on I learnt to let go, to let go of those things that seemed important, those things I thought I couldn't do without, those things that constantly held me down.

With pain and tears and the passing of time, I learnt to let go, I learnt to let go...

Everyday I struggled with the same attachment, an attachment I knew wasn't good for me.

Struggling to please

Struggling to keep it together

Struggling so that it won't be over

Make up and break ups became a routine, it would always end up in I'm sorry as if nothing ever happened. Each time, never really figuring out what the problem was or maybe the problem was known but there was never a right time to say it and so we kept up with it, we played along to cover it all.

As time went on, it got the most of me:

My time, my peace of mind, my vision, my health, my wealth and most of all, my life.

Everyday, I wake up with an expectation that makes me scared, an expectation that this attachment would keep me on my toes once again, an expectation I always wanted to let go of but didn't know how to.

Yes, I wanted something different, something out of the normal and so I strove to make it work out. It all seemed good and beautiful, I always knew it would get the best of me, but for the worse, as I yearned for the nights because my day because more gloomy and my heart beat ran faster cause of the expectations I couldn't keep up with. O.. how foolish of me!!

Worked day and night to make it work out,tried so hard to change her so that it won't be a wrong attachment, but no! everything seemed so vague and my hopes after a long while seemed so gloomy.

After all, I thought I was her all, but didn't know she found something that she thought was better than me which made me cling harder, in false hopes that everything might get back to the way it was.

In the guise of wisdom, she played me for a fool, using me to keep up with her newly found attachment, just as she would keep up with me when it all started.

I knew all these, but blinded by the attachment I brushed it off with the hopes that she'll change and things would get better.Gave my all, gave my best with the knowledge that I was just being used, but with the hopes that everything might get better.

Her chains of persuasion held me down even when I finally decided to leave, her words as smooth as pure honey in a jar, her gaze, although deceitful but capturing.

Even with all this, I knew she wasn't right for me, I held on to a lost cause. I really couldn't change what was already damned, but I could change the attachment with the damned and so after a long walk down a road of regrets, I had to let go, but I had lost it all.

Now I keep everything I keep everything behind closed doors;

A smile behind a hug

a shrug behind a kiss

a blind eye behind some care.

I'll try not to put it out there, so that in this life not so fair, I wouldn't be bare...