The Animal Companion Corporation

Congratulations.

You have survived:

• Chapter One: Breeding
• Chapter Two: The Pains of Pregnancy
• Chapter Three: Why?! - Steps to Losing Your Regret of Having a Child
• Chapter Four: Your Life is Still Over - Hello, Infancy!
• Chapter Five: Stop Eating That! - Oh, That Toddler!
• Chapter Six: Childhood - Peaceful
• Chapter Seven: Childhood - OMFG, WHY DID I WANT CHILDREN?!

If your child has now reached the beginning stages of puberty, consider yourself fortunate to still be alive and reading. If not, well... Godspeed. The company will, as usual, neither mourn nor remember your family line.

Puberty Is a Distraction You Must Ignore

At this stage, your child is undergoing puberty. Expect:

• sudden growth spurts that will make clothes obsolete overnight
• hair in unexpected and unwelcome places
• acne outbreaks that would intimidate entire armies
• vocal shifts ranging from squeaky to terrifying
• mood swings so extreme that they may temporarily appear to develop multiple personalities
• sudden, unexplainable urges toward rebellion, secrecy, and sarcasm

Important: These changes are entirely irrelevant to the purpose of this manual. Your child’s hormones are the problem of your child (and you). Your focus must remain on the Animal Companion. Do not be distracted; distracted parents are executed.

Mandatory Companion Acquisition

Rule 1: Age Requirement

Every human aged 9–13 is required to receive exactly one companion animal. Exceptions will not be made. Requests for additional companions will result in immediate execution, publicly administered and televised for educational purposes.

Rule 2: Species Range

Companion animals may include:

• terrestrial animals (e.g., cats, dogs, hamsters)
• aquatic animals (e.g., fish, octopuses)
• farm animals (e.g., cows, chickens)
• mythical or magical creatures (e.g., dragons, mermaids, sentient blob monsters)

Lifespans range from twenty-four hours to twenty-four thousand years. Be advised: your child’s companion may outlive them, and surviving their companion is not a guarantee of happiness.

Rule 3: One Companion Only

Violation of this rule is punishable by death, without exception. Multiple companions will result in the immediate incineration of all pets and humans in the household. TACC has no sympathy and will not negotiate.

Rule 4: Compliance Enforcement

Failure to obtain a companion within the prescribed age window results in public execution of the entire family, including:

• parents
• children and their children
• grandparents
• great-grandparents
• in-laws (with the exception of their immediate family, who are inconveniently spared)
• newborns and pregnant women

Yes, even infants are included. No excuses.

Assignment Procedures

1. Behavioral Report Submission

• Parents must submit a detailed report documenting every aspect of their child’s behavior from birth to the present. Omissions, exaggerations, or fabrications will be flagged, and the penalty will be… memorable.

2. Classification

• TACC will assign your child to one of three categories: Nice, Neutral, or Naughty.

3. Species Selection

• Ten candidate species will be selected from the assigned group. These are algorithmically compared to your child’s childhood behaviors. Only the species with the highest behavioral match will be delivered.

Note: Delivery times are randomized. Attempting to avoid delivery is pointless. TACC knows all addresses and can send companion animals to any new location. Evading the system is punished more severely than noncompliance.

4. Special Considerations

• Children who were chaotic or “difficult” may receive venomous, aggressive, or otherwise challenging companions.
• Children who were docile may receive… something equally terrifying in its banality, like a male ant with a one-day lifespan.

Receipt and Initial Care

• The companion will arrive with a care guide ranging from one post-it note to a 200-page tome.
• Parents may assist for exactly one week. Exceeding this duration results in proportional personal punishment: one week of torment per additional week of assistance. You will return home a shell of your former self.
• Anti-venom and other safety supplies will be provided, where appropriate.

Warning: Your child assumes full responsibility after the first week. Any interference beyond that period will be monitored. Punishment will be personally administered.

Companion Behavior and Interaction

• Companions will reflect your child’s personality. Mischievous children may receive snakes, spiders, or creatures with the power to manipulate time.*
• Docile children may receive goldfish or sentient houseplants.*
• If a companion outlives your child, it will either linger at the grave or run into the wilderness. Human intervention is forbidden and punishable.

Observation: Attempting to “train” or “improve” the companion is discouraged. TACC will note deviations.

*Yes, we did repeat ourselves. Or did we? Have you been paying attention?

Safety Protocols

• Poisonous, dangerous, or unpredictable companions will be accompanied by anti-venom, shields, or magical containment devices.
• Keep emergency contacts and survival equipment on hand.
• Failure to follow protocols may result in death or permanent scarring, emotional or otherwise.

Penalties for Noncompliance

• Partial compliance: death
• Delayed compliance: death
• Assistance beyond one week: torture
• Attempted evasion: death
• Emotional distraction: highly discouraged, a day of torture for correction

Reminder: TACC monitors all behavior. Survival depends entirely on adherence.

Note: TACC may be inclined to contradict their policies.

Final Notes

• Companion animals are mandatory. One companion per human. No exceptions.
• Compliance is mandatory. Survival is conditional.
• Humor, sarcasm, or disbelief in these rules will be noted. TACC does not find humor in your failure.

We look forward to your participation in Chapter Nine: Older Adolescence - The Dark Times Are Almost Over, Probably.

Good luck.