The Adventures of Mr. Moofy and The Mentos King

It was an odd request, but I did as he asked. When you’re ten and the shark commander gives you an order you follow it. I got onto the floor and began crawling under my bed. I had to be sure to remind Mr. Moofy not to forget the flashlight and the Goldfish crackers. We might get hungry and need a snack. Then again, we might run into the hungry, mean sharks and need a distraction. The Jolly Ranchers rattled in their sandwich baggie.

Mr. Moofy was my stuffed rabbit. I had a real bunny once, but he got sick and he died. I cried a lot when he died and I begged my mom for a new bunny. A lot. After what seemed like weeks (she says it was one day) she eventually said “okay love.” One day, mom returned home and called me into the living room. She had brought me a big brown bunny with black spots on his face. He was full of fluff and didn’t move much. It took a long time, but he finally began to talk. I named him Mr Moofy. We were not friends immediately, but we are inseparable now.

Mommy says daddy was lost in the war, but I know the truth. I would hide in my room when they yelled at each other. This was before Mr. Moofy was around and I hadn’t yet had my real live bunny, Walter, either. But, I know the truth. Daddy didn’t die and he wasn’t lost either. He left because he didn’t love mommy and me anymore. He left one day and he never came home.

Under the bed, our journey was underway. Mr. Moofy and I had been walking for what seemed like forever. We were nearing Hi-C Ridge. It was near Lost Sock Villa. It stank and we were still far away from our destination. We were already tired and ready to head back. We had little legs. I asked Mr. Moofy if he would carry me and he looked at me sideways. I guess that was a no.

Commander Sharptooth, our great white shark in chief, had a younger brother named Steve. Steve was irresponsible and constantly getting into trouble. He fancied himself a comedian, but mostly he just acted like a clown. Steve had really done it this time and found himself in serious hot water with The Anti-Dorsal Fins Club. They were a vicious school of piranhas that usually hung out on the wrong side of the tracks near the bottomfeeders and shipwrecks. It was an area full of empty Mr. Bubble bottles and rubber duckies that no longer had any squeak.

Some time back, the wheels fell off my model train engine and it was abandoned. Today, the site is known as Lionel Hill. Several teams from Erector and one from Lincoln had visited the site, but they were unable to Band-Aid the damage. The engine and the tracks were abandoned and the Lego Grand Central Station was abandoned. The local community wasn’t effected too badly by the rail service ending.

It was a nice area to live, filled with many nice sets costing between forty and three hundred dollars. A piece. Lots of famous people called the town home. Harry Potter lived next door to Han Solo and the guy from Minecraft. That guy knew how to live. He had a giant tree house and a speedboat.

That was just a story silly. We are nowhere near Lionel Hill yet, so you’ll just have to wait and see what happens. I’ll let you know when we get there. I had some free time to talk because, Mr. Moofy stepped on a platoon of army men and seriously injured a young private. We might not have stopped for too long just for that, but the private was stuck to the bottom of Mr. Moofy’s foot. It took awhile to free him and to fight off the other little green men and assure them that we weren’t purposely trying to kill them.

Don’t worry. The private survived, but he’ll never fire his gun again. Unless he wants to fire at a ninety degree angle.

There were all sorts of interesting people and creatures to meet. Jimmy the manatee had once worked for McDonald’s, as did Bubbles. Bubbles was a pufferfish and despite what their names implied, neither seemed very happy if you ask me. Jimmy and Bubbles now both worked for Commander Sharptooth and he had secretly asked them to follow behind me and Mr. Moofy. Maybe as protection, maybe to spy. I’m not sure. I mean, if you can’t trust a shark, with a crazy lobster brother, who can you trust?

Wall-E tunnel, so named for the piles of toys and trash used in its basic construction, was guarded by Herman. Herman’s brother once had a brief walk-on part in Jurassic Park and he never lets anyone forget it. He’s been a shy and quiet velociraptor since he came from his packaging, but put him in front of people, or a camera, and he comes to life. The only problem is, he’s not really scary, or tall. He’s rather short and divides his time between reading an old thesaurus I had misplaced and a section of Life from USA Today I had put down as his toilet. Now he uses words like idiomatic and thinks he’s Roger Ebert. Some scary arm chewing, killer dinosaur he is.

Wall-E Tunnel happens to be close to the Hot Wheels Racetrack, where the Polly Pockets like to hang out with their Hot Wheeling boyfriends. They might be into them during the day, but we all know they have Ken posters on their closet doors at home.

At the Anti-Dorsal Fin lair, Steve the lobster, was in a boiling pot of trouble. It had escalated to the point of adding butter to taste and some of the more excited (and hungry) members were busy preparing the salad. Mr. Moofy and I were running out of time to complete our mission. It was time we recruited some help.

Mama and papa crouton were the literal queen and king of Toast Mountain. Okay, there were a few Pop Tarts there as well, but ignore them. They sugarcoat things and tell lies. I told Ma and Pa of my daring plan to rescue Steve. Their young crouton offspring were a salty bunch and they were square, but at least they weren’t green. Their response was a little peppered, but eventually they agreed to help.

The crouton lot were originally of Pepperidge Farm, but relocated to Toast Mountain as an aftermath of The Great Cheddar and Garlic spill of 2017. There were many lost in the spill and many more are still missing. They are presumed held prisoner by Lord Dyson in his fortress of plastic.

The mysterious Mentos King lived atop Sealy Mound. When he got fizzy, he had a tendency to shoot off. His Jolly Rancher minions were a colorful and eager bunch, full of flavor, but they were each vulnerable to prolonged sucking and weary of things with lots of teeth.

No one had ever laid eyes on the mythical Mentos King. Some believed the Diet Coke flood did him in, others weren’t sure he existed at all. There was a grand scroll known throughout the land and they called it The Reciept. When the receipt was finally located by the brave Duplo explorers, it spoke of a place called Safeway and contained the name Mentos. His legend lived on.

Somewhere, probably around Lionel Hill, Jimmy and Bubbles decided to make their presence official. They were playing cowboys and indians and as Jimmy “shot” Bubbles, he dramatically flew off as though he had been popped with a pin. Everyone, except for Bubbles, got a good laugh out of it. When Bubbles returned about twenty minutes later, he was dragging his butt behind him and had legos stuck to, well, I think they were stuck to his butt too. He was less than happy. Another of the many times he failed to live up to his happy expectation.

For the first time, we were face to face with Commander Sharptooth’s henchmen. Jimmy asked if we knew where we were going and if we had a plan. I said yes and yes. Mr. Moofy refused to talk.