The Adventures of Abernathy Franklin

I can’t say with any amount of certainty what Paris, France is like in my own dimensional version of Earth. I have never been. But Paris in my dear friend Fabian’s dimension is quite a fine place to enjoy an evening of food, drink, consciousness enhancing substances and the sort of free love merriment folks in my reality would reserve for Woodstock.

While I don’t myself choose to participate in the hippie-esque orgy elements of town, I do whole-heartedly delight myself in the food, drink and consciousness enhancing substances offered in the many fashionable eateries and boutiques.

After a night of lesser debauchery in this version of Paris, I stumbled happily to Fabian’s adorable apartment to sleep it off. Fabian, a version of we Abernathy’s who transitioned to male at a young age, was off with his boyfriend Brodie on yet another ghost hunting trip somewhere in the Black Forest region of Germany. As they often do, Fabian and Brodie had invited me to accompany their small circle of paranormal investigator friends for a few nights in sleeping bags on damp castle floors awaiting the arrival of various spirits and demons. And while I confess myself an avid enthusiast in the realm of all things occult and strange; I am also unashamedly a creature fond of modern comforts, and thus declined the invitation in favor of indoor plumbing, psychedelic eclairs and a warm bed in which to recover.

I was lying in said warm bed in a state of half sleep, when I thought I could hear lowered voices. I raised my heavy eyelids and peered in the direction of the bedroom window, and saw I had neglected to fasten it shut after making my unconventional entry into the apartment. Satisfying myself that the voices must have floated up from the still bustling night life of the streets below,

I rested my head again and closed my eyes.

On the brink of falling into a proper sleep, I heard again some variety of noise that stirred up the parts of my brain prone to anxiety over the subject of self preservation. Safe and friendly tho Fabian’s neighborhood is, you never know when a stealthy maurader or confused drunk might find their way into an open window. I mean to say, it is how I found my way in. Yes, I suppose I’d better close it. Resigning myself to that feeling of annoyance you experience when you elect to rouse yourself from the would be glorious clutches of sleep, I slid my legs to the edge of the bed and sat up.

While I may not have been entirely in state of perfect alertness, my new sitting position seemed to redirect my hearing and I was able to discern that the bustling sounds I had imagined came from the streets below were in fact inside the apartment. My stupor giving way to curiosity, I got up to investigate. The earlier voices I had heard were female. I half expected to find that Fabian had other friends from his locality that might also borrow his conveniently located abode to sleep off an evening’s indulgence.

However, upon reaching the threshold of the living room and flipping on the lights, the scene that was illuminated did not include additional stumbling drunks, but a man in a black hoodie stuffing items into a backpack. Evidently not expecting to be interrupted, he spun around quite startled and pointed a gun.

“Don’t try anything lady.”

“Ah,” I said, remaining calm for this was hardly the worst situation I had ever found myself in. “So you’re not a local.”

“What?” His confusion at my calm was evident in that ‘what’ as his aim with the firearm waivered noticeably for a moment.

“Well you speak English and you don’t have a French accent, so I presume you’re not from here.”

“You stay where you are, lady. Or I will shoot you.” He straightened his back as if to make himself taller and thus more intimidating.

“You might.” I continued, now thinking out loud, for I was now genuinely intrigued. “I could have selected this moment as a possible out for myself, but I’m not sure that I want to use it. I may not have any specific grand plans for the future, or what we think of as the future in human linear time, but still, I do think I’d like to continue this particular incarnation a while longer. No offense to the otherside of the veil of course.”

“Are you high?” He lowered his gun halfway, clearly thinking that I may just be too outside my right mind to be of any threat to him. Seeing no sense in dishonesty, I responded, “I could be. I thought I’d come down by now, but then again, I haven’t had the opportunity to complete a rejuvenating sleep yet, no thanks to you.”

This light jab seemed to wrankle him not a little as he re-steadied his aim.

“Ok, let’s not get sensitive, I just don’t think I chose you as an out.”

“What the fuck are you babbling about out?”

“You know, an out. Before you incarnate into this third density fractal avatar, you pick a few dozen outs for yourself. Options for ending the avatar. It’s like a checkpoint in a video game, but instead of saving your place, you just kill off your avatar and then you can incarnate into a new one. You know, after your life review process..”

“Bitch! If you don’t shut up I will - “

BANG!!!

Or would you say ‘bong’? Well, whatever sound you would associate with a fire extinguisher colliding with the back of a human skull. And suddenly, my could be ‘out’ of an armed burglar dropped out of my eyeline to be replaced with a heavily tattooed and quite fit version of me.

“Hey there, friend!” She said confidently. “No need to panic, I’m you, I mean you no harm. I go by Franki, and this here is Abby.” She stepped to the side and gestured towards the bedroom door opposite the living room. A more subdued version of me poked her head around the door frame and surveyed the scene, evidently calculating whether it was safe to emerge. Seeing our armed intruder unconscious in a heap, she seemed to relax and stood fully in the doorway.

“Helloooo,” she said awkwardly.

“You must be new at this.” I chuckled in her direction.

“Shit, is it that obvious?” She said looking to Franki for confirmation.

“Eh, don’t worry about it. It’s only obvious to other us-es,” she shrugged. Franki then threw a careless thumb in the direction of the heap on the floor. “Not sure what the plan was with that little speech you had going for him, but well done tying his brain in knots, there, Abs.”

“Oh,” I realized it was my turn to give an introduction. “I go by Nattie. Or Natt. Makes these little alternate selves run-ins easier.”

“Nice to meet you, Natt.” Franki said tossing the fire extinguisher onto the sofa.

“Wait, do I need to come up with some alternate nickname for myself?” New Kid Abby made a half hand raise motion as if about to ask a question in a classroom. “And what was that you were saying about outs? How do you know if something is an out?”

“Relax, New Kid,” Franki interjected. “So, nice place you have here, Miss Natt. Got any good food in?”

“You can’t possibly want to eat again.” Abby spat incredulously.

“What fun is timeline hopping if I can’t enjoy the food? And this Earth France, it’s the high classiest, bourgeoise royalty-est, rudest food this side of the Milky Way.” Franki professed in her sassy, carefree way as she made her way to the kitchenette to examine the fridge.

“Not sure Fabian has any snacks in. He’s been busy ghost hunting all over Europe.” I followed Frankie’s lead to the fridge, but hoping for a mineral water. All this excitement was making me thirsty.

“Oh, so you’re here visiting, too. Well, happy trails.” Franki selected a container from the fridge, popped the lid, and gave the mystery contents a sniff. “Know of any tasty eateries open this hour around here?”

“I would love to show you about,” I started as I rubbed my now throbbing temples. “But actually I’ve already had a night on the town and was here to catch some shut eye.”

“Oh you need a refresh?” Franki perked up as she pulled a Perrier from the fridge and handed it to me. I was too tired to ask if she was psychic. “I know a place we can hit that has this fancy auto replenish spa.” She pulled out a stronger beverage for herself and took a pull. “Super slick, like …uh… instant artificial sleep. Pop into a comfy chair like you’re about to get your hair done, zip zap boom, suddenly you feel like you’ve had the best 8 hours of sleep of your life and you’re ready to party again. Which is convenient, cuz its close to a very chill hooka bar with some wicked weird happy tobacco. Good snacks, too.” Franki took another swig of what I now saw was a rather high end liquor. Fabian may not keep food in, but it seemed he did stock up on expensive cocktail ingredients.

“Well,” I thought out loud, “I might as well give it a go, I can’t very well sleep here now there’s dangerous criminal who may awaken upset and decide to shoot me after all.”

The timid Abby that Franki affectionately referred to as ‘New Kid’ piped up at this point, visibly uncomfortable in her surroundings. “Umm, shouldn’t we call the authorities about him? I mean we can’t just leave him here, what if, did you say Fabian? What if Fabian comes home to find him and gets shot?”

I tilted my head pensively and offered, “Maybe Mr. Cat Burglar is one of Fabian’s outs.” New Kid Abby was taken aback by this suggestion, so I continued, “Just a curious thought, I mean it would presumptuous of me to assume I know whether or not this scenario was meant…”

At this point Franki interrupted casually “No worries, everyAbby, I got it.” Franki tipped the bottle of expensive drink upside down into her gullet and emptied it effortlessly. She smacked the bottle down onto the counter, then made her way to the livingroom entertainment center and around the back of it. “These’ll work,” she said. And without warning Franki yanked cords violently from the wall and out of their respective electronics. She crossed the floor to the gunman and with the ease and speed of one who has done this before, had him securely hog tied with said cords as if he were a neatly wrapped gift she was leaving for Fabian. “That’ll keep him.” she said.

Then Franki picked up the handgun dropped our cat burglar. “Never been a fan of these.” she said. “I mean, once you see the tiniest bit of the wide cosmos, weapons in general become so primitive, ya know.” Franki held the gun in her right hand as she raised her left hand and moved it in clockwise motion. Before her opened a bright green portal thru which she tossed the offending weapon. She turned her ear towards the portal and listened until we all heard a distinct splash, as if gravity had directed the gun into some body of water or other. “That’s more like it.” Franki smiled to herself and raised her left hand again, this time waving it counter clockwise and effectively erasing the portal from sight. She swiped her palms across each other as if dusting them off after a job well done, and turned back to New Kid Abby and myself. “Shall we then?”

Maybe it was her easy confidence, or maybe it was a desire to alleviate my steadily growing headache, but I felt I could trust Franki’s hog tie skills, at least enough to release any concern over the unconscious marauder and any threat he may pose. After all, a spa that could deliver me an instant 8 hour sleep did seem to be just the thing I needed about now. “I suppose we shall.” I replied.

With that, Franki waved clockwise at the front door of the apartment, and the door became a green portal.

“Wait, wait….we’re just gonna leave him here?” New Kid Abby chimed in again, obviously still of the mind that authorities ought to be called in. “What if he gets loose?”

“Ha! Trust me, he won’t get loose.” Franki laughed. “I’ve seen his kind, he couldn’t wriggle his way out of a greased chute. It’ll be fine.” Franki waved us both towards the portal. New Kid Abby still hesitated.

“Don’t worry,” I said nudging her towards Franki and then grabbing a pad and pen off the counter. “I’ll just leave Fabian a quick note.”