The Accidental Marriage

"Please tell me you're joking." Alessandra sighed. She could feel a headache coming on, a major one.

"Believe me when I say, I wish I was." Jacque's voice was full of exasperated amusement.

Alessandra would love to know what was funny about this situation.

"You realize what this means yes?" Alessandra was begging the heavens that her cousin wasn't that stupid.

Though his track record for unlucky situations such as these didn't leave a good impression.

"That there was more than just wine in that goblet?" He cracked a grin; she wanted to smack it off his face.

There was no way any part of this situation was funny, at all.

"No, you imbecile, that we were bonded by alien marriage customs at the feast last night! In front of countless witnesses, on a planet with customs that don't believe in divorce!" She whispered harshly, she wanted to scream, this was not how she pictured her cultural reconnaissance going.

"Chill, chill. It's not like we'll be here forever, we can divorce when we get back home, jeez. Worry much?"

That did it, she was going to kill him. Hands down, no questions asked, straight-up cousin murder. Her hands twitched as she fought to keep from outright strangling him.

"I'm stuck here until my project concludes, which could take anywhere from weeks to months to years." Alessandra looked up to the purpling sky in askance.

Why, why her? And more importantly, why him?

"Ok, so we file the paperwork and send it by Starshuttle, nothing faster, we'll be divorced in a jiffy. No biggie." He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly.

Forget strangling, she was going to poison him with one of those glowing mushrooms that she saw on the way here.

"Did you not listen to a thing I just said?" she hissed warningly.

"What's there to listen to? I just solved the big problem; we'll be unmarried or whatever before you can blink. No mess, no fuss. Done." He stretched with a smile as if he had just solved all the universe's problems in one conversation.

"No, you outdated software, this planet we're on? Their culture doesn't believe in divorce! In fact, they find it sacrilegious, and do you know what they do with heretics? They drop them in their volcano and ask for forgiveness from the Moons. I don't know about you, but I'd rather not be dropped into the Philaxn equivalent of an exploding fiery rock."

"Technically speaking that's a mountain."

"Shut up."

She'd invited him with her on this expedition because he was a whizz kid at geology and had ridiculous social levels. Several bonuses in her opinion, he'd ranked at the top of their class in social skills alone. Now it was coming to bite her in the ass. She could not believe this was happening.

"Still, dropping someone in a volcanic rock seems a little much don't you think? Besides I didn't even think Philaxn had volcanoes."

The look Jacques shot her was nothing short of 'dramatic much?', with the eye-roll included.

"If you had done your research before we left you'd know I only compared it to a volcano because that's the closest earthly reference. It's more like a giant boiling acidic pit. You get a drop of its 'lava' on you and it'll burn a hole straight through your arm, through your bones, and possibly your reinforced metal shoe if it dropped on it. It's one of the most potent acids in the universe. So, excuse me for being a little worried!"

"Still seems excessive."

"I'm going to murder you."

"Well, that's harsh."

She had to consciously take a deep breath in to avoid the scream that threatened to erupt out of her chest. How could he possibly be so calm about this? It was a disaster in every sense of the word! She could feel a migraine coming on, no way it wouldn't hit after this. Her stress levels were so high her nervometer was beeping at 90-minute intervals.

"Listen we'll just what do a Romulus and Julie from Shakespeare! One of us fakes our death and is smuggled out by the other. Piece of cake!" He grinned triumphantly.

"First of all, it's Romeo and Juliet, not Romulus and Julie. Secondly, you realize almost everyone dies in that right?"

She was begging now, and she didn't care, mountainous social levels he may have but reading comprehension appeared to be rather low on his list. She needed to see his placement results, the full ones; better yet he needs to take another one.

"You gotta admit it might work."

"A very slim chance I assure you" she whispered icily, "and if we do it, you're the one that's playing dead."

"Oi! Why the fuck do I have to fake die?" He protested loudly, causing her to slap a hand over his mouth before it got out of hand.

The last thing they needed was one of the border guards overhearing this particular conversation. Though they currently thought she and Jacques were getting (shudder) physically acquainted. She didn't know which was worse. Though despite the gagging noise it provoked, she had to admit the Philaxn's thinking she was having sex with her cousin-now-husband, was much better than being thrown in a giant acidic mountain for heresy. That didn't mean she had to like it, however.

"Because I'd remember to come get you. Not to mention this is my final project for my degree. You know, so I can graduate."

All she got was the palm of her hand licked. She bit back a squeal and yanked it back.

"You are so immature." She hissed, wiping it frantically on her pants.

"You love it." He smiled mischievously.

Now she wanted to smack him, he'd deserve it at this point, she was positive. Alessandra settled for sticking her tongue out at him, a childish move she knew, but no amount of cursing in the world would move the stubborn hexapod that was her cousin.

"Who's immature now?" he chortled.

"From my experience still you." she huffed, "Just get the paperwork for the Starshuttle. I'll work on finding you a plant that's not going to kill you."

"Quite a few of those then?"

"More than you can eat, obviously."

"Alright, alright. This is why you handle the fauna."

"It's floral."

"Whatever. How are we acting in front of the Philaxns?"

"Apparently it's custom for me to drag you out of our ahem- love nest by your hair."

"There's no way that's right, come on now!" His voice shrieked as they walked back to their 'home' and the waiting gazes of the Philaxn's, she couldn't wait to get this over with.