Text if You Need Something

May 2, 2025, 7:32 PM

<<Hey Annie! How’s it going?

//Hey Martin.

//Uuumm… all right? Do I need to ask how it’s going with you? ‘Cause you don’t usually start text messages like that.

<<Oh, no, I’m fine! Don’t worry.

<<The FBI is here tho, and I was wondering if you had any idea where my ID is?

//Um…

//WHAT?!!!

<<Yeah

<<My ID.

<<They think I killed some guy.

<<Actually several guys.

//K.

//Why do they think that?

<<idk

<<I guess the clues added up or something.

//Yeah, or SOMETHING.

//Have you told them you haven’t murdered anyone lately?!?!?!

<<Dude, don’t say lately. They’ll think I killed people before “lately.”

//Yeah, dude… they CAN’T HEAR US

<<Actually they’re monitoring our messages.

//WHY????

<<I mean, did you think the Feds would allow someone they suspect to be a homicidal maniac to text random people during their investigation?

//Um, yeah

//Don’t we have like a right to privacy or something?

//Isn’t that in the constitution?

<<Well, yeah

//Also, thanks, dude. I’m not a random person, I’m your roommate, but whatever.

<<But I think when you’re a homicidal maniac you kind of lose some of those rights.

//Martin

//You’re not a homicidal maniac

<<I mean, you don’t know, haha!

<<Jk.

<<But they think I am

<< So as a suspected homicidal maniac I’ve lost some rights here.

//Do you think we can text something shorter than homicidal maniac?

//Not exactly fitting the urgency of the situation for me.

<<Sure

<<How about whack job?

//Very funny.

<<Or we could just stop texting about that specific topic altogether for the moment.

<<In fact, they’re saying I need to find my ID now.

<<And stop texting

//Oh yeah

//It’s in your tap dresser drawer.

//Sorry, tap dresser drawer.

//NOT TAP. TAP.

//THIS IS NOT THE TIME AUTOCORRECT

<<Lol

<<Don’t worry, I knew what you meant.

<<Why is it in my top dresser drawer?

//That’s where you put stuff when you get back from the bar.

<<Oh.

<<That’s weird.

//Yeah. I know.

<<Like... what kind of stuff?

//Preeeeetty much anything you came home with.

//Depends on the day.

<<Huh. Weird.

//Yeah. I KNOW.

<<Got it! Thanks!

//Are you going to be okay?

<<Oh yeah I’ll be fine. No need to worry!

//Are you quite sure?

<<Well yeah.

<<What, do you think you should be worried? Like… you think I DID kill those guys?

//No, I guess not.

<<See? It’ll be fine!

//Though I guess it would depend on which guys.

<<Lmao! Good point.

//Lol

//But serious, I might know that for a fact, but please make sure the FBI DOES TOO.

//THAT’S KIND OF IMPORTANT.

<<I will. Promise.

//Okay good.

//I trust yah.

May 2, 2025, 7:53 PM

<<So I’m going to jail now.

//Omg WHAT!!!

<<Turns out I kind of did kill those guys, soooo…

//Wait wait wait. You’re kidding right?

<<It’s actually really funny. You were kind of accurate when you said it depended on which guys, haha!

//You’re lying.

//Martin?

//You’re lying, right?

//Or pranking me?

//Wait, who did you kill?

//Martin?

<<Sorry. Handcuffed. I’m using talk to text now.

<<Hey good timing for you. You were next.

<<Lol