How to Become a Werewolf

Thank you for choosing Lycan Brands for your life alteration.

WARNING: Side effects of becoming a werewolf may include: bloodlust; drowsiness; insomnia; increased appetite; nausea and decreased appetite caused by overeating; supernatural strength; intermittent and inexplicable aches and pains; itchiness and rash. Do not proceed if you are allergic to becoming a werewolf, or have vasovagal syncope related to the sight of blood (sudden drop in blood pressure resulting in loss of consciousness), or if you are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant.

ATTENTION: Please be aware that the cost of becoming a werewolf is not monetary.

REQUIRED TOOLS:

• Full Moon

• Dark, heavily wooded area, preferably in Maine or the Pacific Northwest.

o Note: The Appalachian region can also be effective, but results will vary significantly depending on the mountainous valley you have selected for transformation. CAUTION: DO NOT get bitten in Colorado.

• A group of foolhardy (ideally popular) teenage friends

• A highly unreliable flashlight.

PROCEDURE:

1. While at your local high school, gain the attention and approval of the clique with the dumbest looking meathead jock as their designated leader. This can often be achieved by doing something they do not assume you are capable of. Methods may include: an unusual feat of strength (highly effective if your weight presses to either extreme of the percentile for your age group); mocking someone you actually like but who the click considers unpopular; showing up to school “pretty”; thinking up and implementing a prank against a teacher or other school staff member without the latter’s awareness.

2. Now that you have befriended the clique, be certain to hang out with them during activities you highly disapprove of (especially if your parents would also disapprove). Eventually, one of them (typically the meathead jock, but this is not a given) will mention that there is rumored to be a werewolf in the local woods and suggest wandering out into the middle of the aforementioned area during the next full moon.

3. One of the clique members will probably say it is too scary and/or dumb. IMPORTANT: To ensure the excursion, you must say verbatim: “What, are you scared?”

4. Pack poorly. If you pack anything more than your unreliable flashlight and cell phone, aim for items such as: highly aromatic foods, especially meats; alcohol or illicit drugs; a pocket knife that is either: a) far too small to damage anything, OR b) far too large for you to wield without cutting yourself severely (in the latter situation, numerous stitches will be required IF you do not achieve lycanthropy).

5. Upon arrival at the woods, walk into them with the clique confidently, even if you are shaking and weak throughout your entire body. If they all baulk at the idea, be the one to take the lead.

6. At some point during the hike, someone who has become scared enough to use common sense will likely suggest turning around and going home. It is very important that you contradict them at every turn. This includes teasing and taunting them ruthlessly, even if you agree with them.

7. IMPORTANT: Go towards the weird sound.

a. Note: If there are multiple weird sounds, splitting up is not necessary, but can be advantageous.

8. When you come upon the werewolf who made the weird sound, get very, very close so you are certain you have, in fact, found an actual werewolf. Only afterwards may you decide to attempt self-preservation.

9. Panic. This means fleeing, but in the most hectic and uncoordinated way possible. Backpedaling over exposed tree roots is the most efficient way to get bitten, as you will fall to the ground and remain prone.

10. ATTENTION: The mechanics of getting bit without getting eaten is very specific. You do need to allow yourself to be bitten, but you don’t want to struggle so much that the werewolf becomes overly aggressive and decides to completely consume you instead. The best option is to shield one’s face with the arm you would like to have bitten, scream once, then curl up in a ball and cease all movement and loud sounds.

11. Once the werewolf has lost interest, lie on the cold forest floor for a while, cradling your bleeding arm. Note: crying is optional. Eventually, you will become aware of a shift in your senses and thought patterns, as well as the sudden healing of your bite wound.

12. Proceed to find the scattered remnants of your former clique throughout the woods (your newly heightened sense of smell will aid you in this).

13. Upon finding the clique member(s), be sure they are relieved at the sight of you—their benign, newly added, charity-case-of-a-friend—and lulled into a false sense of security for a substantial amount of time before you devour them.