Tanga and the Water Conspiracy

"So, what I have my summer camp kids do is lay as flat on the beach, then when the sun has set over the horizon, they jump up and time how long until they can't see the sun again. Then you can calculate the Earth's circumference from the time and their heights," Susie explained.

"How well does that work with 7-year-olds?" Tanga asked.

"Not great," Susie confessed.

The ladies laughed. The three women, Susie, Denise and Tanga, were in a loud Mexican restaurant, drinking margaritas and talking about work.

"Well, I guess it's just important to show the Earth is really round," Denise said. Denise was Tanga's best friend. "You don't want a class of flat-Earthers."

"That’s true," Tanga said, "those people are ridiculous."

"I had a creationist parent pull her daughter from my class once," Susie said, "apparently my evolution lesson triggered her.”

"I swear, the crazy shit people believe nowadays. Faking the moon landing, climate change deniers. Some people still believe cars run on gasoline," Denise said.

"Wait, what?" Tanga asked, but the other girls didn't hear over the music.

"The education system in this country is failing," Susie said.

"Don't let your principal know you said that," Denise said, "you'll be out of a job."

The ladies laughed. Tanga chuckled along.

Cars don't run on gasoline? Tanga thought to herself that night after the restaurant. That's not right... right? Maybe she misheard. Or maybe they were messing with her. It was something like that. Had to be. Of course, cars run on gasoline. Everyone knows that.

The next day Tanga drove her Nissan to the gas station. A large truck pulling a cattle trailer took up all three pumps on the other side of the station.

An old rancher wearing stained overalls exited the vehicle and started pumping. He saw Tanga and tipped his cowboy hat to her. She waved back awkwardly.

She hated to stare, but there was a cutest bull she ever saw sticking its head out of a trailer window. She wanted to just go over and pet it.

He finished with fueling the truck. Then, he took the nozzle out of the vehicle, went over to the bull and held the nozzle up to the bull's mouth.

The bull licked it up the liquid like a drinking fountain. Then the man drank some himself.

Tanga was shocked.

After that he got back in the truck and took off, leaving Tanga awestruck. She took the nozzle out of her own car and sniffed it. It didn't smell like water, but it didn't smell exactly like gasoline either... if she even truly knew what gasoline smelled like.

Tanga sat in her office staring at the computer later that day. It was almost lunch, and she hadn't even looked at her work.

Mark walked by.

"Hey Mark," Tanga yelled out, "can we talk for a sec?"

"Yeah, what's up Tanga."

" I just... I feel strange even asking this question, but... do you believe cars run on gasoline."

"Oh, this crap. Yes, of course, cars run on gasoline."

"Yeah! Right?! My friend made it sound like it was a conspiracy theory. She thinks cars run on water."

"No, no. It's the opposite. The conspiracy theory is that cars run on water. I mean, why do you think they're called gas stations."

"Good point."

Mark leaned over and pulled up a website on Tanga's computer.

"Here. This is the truth about the whole thing, how it's the oil company's stupid stunt to make people think we're beating climate change."

"Thank you, Mark."

Mark walked off, and Tanga spent the rest of her day memorizing the information she'd need for the fight.

Denise answered her door later that night.

"Cars can't run on water!" Tanga yelled.

"What are you talking about?"

Tanga let herself into Denise's apartment and continued, "You made it sound like people who think cars run on gas are crazy conspiracy people. But we're not, you're the conspiracy theorist."

"Oh, Tanga. Not you."

"No, no, no. Not YOU! If it's water. Why do they call them gas stations?"

"Because cars used to run on gas, and we got use to the name. Films haven't used actual film in years, but we don't call them digitals."

"Fine. But why is water so expensive then?"

"Don't ask me. I just spent $3 on a bottle of Fiji, but it was definitely water."

"But Denise, water isn't even flammable."

"No, but what's water made of?"

Tanga thought for a moment. "H2O. So, hydrogen and oxygen."

"That's right. Two of the most flammable, explosive elements on Earth. Water might not be flammable, but once it's broken down by your car's reaction chamber, it's dynamite."

"Reaction chamber?"

"Listen, Tanga. I didn't mean to make it sound like you were dumb or anything. It's not your fault. The education system in this country sucks."

"I'm still not buying this."

Denise sighed. "Tanga, there's no reason to debate facts. If you really want to know what comes out of the pump, just go to a 'water' station and find out."

"This isn't over."

Tanga stormed out of the apartment.

"Think about it sweetie," Denise shouted down the hallway.

Why don't I just squirt a little in my hand, Tanga thought while staring at her computer at work.

It had been a week since her unsatisfying encounter with Denise. Why did she have to check the pump? Denise was the conspiracy theorist. Plus, spraying gas on your hand is dangerous.

Tanga's boss Bill stopped at her desk.

"Hey Tanga, can I see you in my office in 30 minutes?" Bill asked.

"Yeah sure. What's up?"

"Just come see me."

He walked off. Tanga thought that didn't sound good.

Tanga walked into Bill’s office. Mark was already there.

"Hey Tanga," Mark said.

"Tanga, please, have a seat," Bill said from behind his desk.

Tanga sat down.

"It's come to my attention that both of you are believers in the theory that cars run on gasoline. Is that correct?" Bill asked.

"...Yeah," Tanga said.

"Yes, and…?" Mark added.

"Well, some of the other people in the office are not comfortable with fringe beliefs."

"What? Are you firing us?" Mark asked.

"No, no. But you two need to tone it down. This is an office not a 4Chan forum," Bill said.

"Tone it down?" Tanga asked, "We're not parading around here screaming 'yay gasoline'."

"Alright, that’s enough. This is your only warning."

Tanga and Mark left Bill’s office and found a quiet corner to talk.

"Asshole," Mark said.

"Is this even real?" Tanga asked, "I never knew this was even a thing."

"Yeah, you wake up one morning and find out big brother switched the script without letting you know." Mark suddenly seemed so defeated, like a man who's gone through this all so many times. "We're not alone though Tanga."

Mark handed Tanga a small pamphlet titled The Believers. It gave information about a meeting.

"You should come," Mark said. “These meetings might not solve anything, but maybe we can feel a little better knowing other independent thinkers."

Tanga nodded.

There’s a group for this? Tanga thought to herself. She wondered if she could really be friends with Denise. Afterall, Tanga was a crazy conspiracy theorist now. There was no going back.

When Tanga entered the meeting room, she thought these people would probably not be her new friends. Too much red and black flannel. Too many baseball caps.

"Tanga! Over here!" Mark said. He saved a seat for Tanga near the front row. "Hey, there's no pressure here. It's a really safe space."

An old man with a lined face called the meeting to order.

"Hello folks. For you new people, my name is Gabriel," Gabriel said, "And I founded this little group to help fight the ridiculous lies permeating our great society and stop persecution of free-thinking folks like yourselves."

A few people clapped.

"And don't y'all think the persecution isn't happening. I have two people in the front row, who just today were reprimanded, because they had the courage to speak the truth. Cars run on gasoline."

The last line received way too much applause.

"Now, I'd like to invite them up here to speak to us about their experience."

Tanga was nervous, but the applause dragged her to the podium. "Hi, my name is Tanga. Umm... I'm not really sure how to do this. I mean, as far as I ever known, cars run on gas."

Applause.

"Thank you, but I don't understand how saying such a simple thing has somehow become brave or dangerous to my job."

"Trust me young lady," Gabriel said, "that feeling of having the proverbial rug pulled out from underneath you, we all have that. When I was a kid, Columbus was still a hero."

The audience nodded. "Pluto was a still a planet when I was a kid," another person said.

"And the holocaust didn't happen!" another voice added. The audience continued to nod.

"Well, wait a second," Tanga said, "the holocaust happened."

"That's what the media wants you to think!"

"Yeah, if the holocaust was real, then how do you explain the Ludwigian report?"

"What? I don't know what that is," Tanga said.

"That's right, the Ludwigian report proved that Auschwitz was a theme park designed by Hitler and Walt Disney," Gabriel said.

"That just sounds incorrect," Tanga said.

"You've been brainwashed!" an aggressive voice shouted.

"Now, now. Let's calm down. We need to applaud this young lady for taking her first step into the world of truth. Soon, she’ll learn all about the different ways blacks and Jews have conspired in their quest for white genocide," Gabriel explained as he took over the podium, "But we'll take this one step at a time. Now let's give this brave young woman another round of applause."

The audience applauded. Tanga slipped out of the meeting early.

Mark was her ride, so Tanga ended up walking home. Great, now I'm a white supremacist, Tanga thought to herself. She sat down on a bench outside her apartment complex. Isn't there any place in this world for someone who believes cars run on gasoline, but who is not anti-Semitic?

"Hey Tanga," Denise said.

"Denise? What are you doing here?"

"We're going to the movies. Fast and Furious 14: Dominic Goes to the Grocery Store? It's opening night."

"Oh. We made those plans two weeks ago."

"Yeah?"

"Well, I just figured since I was a crazy conspiracy person now, we weren't friends anymore."

"Oh. That."

"I don't know," Tanga said, almost in tears, "I've just been so confused. My boss was lecturing me. And I saw a guy drinking from a gas pump. And I went to a white supremacist meeting today."

"...What?"

"I just need to know if I'm crazy or not."

"You're not crazy," Denise said, "And I would never unfriend you for your beliefs. Only celebrities do that."

"...Even if I thought the holocaust never happened?"

"Well, there is a limit. Please stop going to white supremacist meetings."

"Ok... I can do that," Tanga said while wiping the tears from her cheeks.

"But Tanga, if it's really bothering you this much, why not just find out for yourself."

Tanga was silent.

"Alright, enough of this, let's go watch a terrible movie."

The next day, Tanga stood in the gas station at the crack of dawn. She wanted to come at a time when there'd be no one around, because she was about to do something really weird. She took the nozzle, released a little bit of clear liquid into her hand and put the nozzle back.

Here goes.

She shut her eyes, pinched her nose and took a drink.