Taking out the trash

My earliest memory is one of pain. I didn't know what it was but something hurt, it burned and I was screaming until I couldn't breathe. Then my comfort was there, but the pain didn't leave, it throbbed.

I called Carter's Funeral Home 3 days later. As much as I wanted him dead and gone, I couldn't get myself to want to deal with planning anything for him. Molly from Carters had left me 2 messages by now and I figured they needed to know what to do with my brothers ugly corpse. Molly was way too cheerful when she answered the phone, she almost sounded like it was the best day ever. Where did she get that sunshine from?

"Hello, this is Marin Becker. I am calling to settle Gary Becker's arrangements. I want him burned to a crisp. When that is complete what are my options? Can you just toss his ashes in the trash?" I got to the point, I really didn't care to waste any more of my time on this.

"Um, well, there isn't anywhere you would like to bury his ashes? A cemetery? Grief can be a difficult thing, would you like some local support group resources?" I could hear in her voice that her sunshine was gone and I had made her very uncomfortable.

"Look, I don't mean to be so blunt, but my brother has tortured me my entire life and now he is gone. I would really just like to be done with this, I will pay the costs, but would really like to go as cheap and easy as possible. This scum of the earth is gone and I am finally free. What do you recommend for easy, cheap and quick?" I don't owe anyone any sort of explanation, but the longer he has been gone the more I feel the little pieces of horror escaping my mouth. I have always felt like he forced me to keep it all wrapped up, hidden just under the surface...I was surprising myself with how I spewed my hatred to perfect strangers.

"Sure I think I understand, I am sorry for your lo...I mean, I am just sorry. Let me put together a couple options and we will go from there. Just so I am understanding you correctly, you do not want any sort of funeral service or burial, just cremation and disposing of the ashes?" She almost said sorry for my loss?!? I am not sorry.

"Yup, that is correct. No urn, no burial, no nothing."

This whole experience was like an out of body trauma. There was no one in my space, in my face, but I couldn't help but feel as though he was riding on my shoulder, whispering in my ear. My skin began to crawl and my heart raced. I had to remind myself he was not a threat, he never would be again. Until this was complete and over, I didn't know how my mind and body were going to react to having to even discuss his name. Gary Becker. Brother. Abuser. Sick, demented, piece of shit!

When I received the email containing the details, I was hesitant to open it. I didn't want to see that I would have to waste thousands of dollars on this. I felt as if I had already spent enough time, money and energy trying to fix the damage he had done to me. Years of therapy, EMDR, medications, inpatient treatment stints....I am done. I am finished with all his bullshit.

To my surprise, I wouldn't have to pay a dime! And I didn't have to deal with anything other than to sign an agreement to dispose of him like the trash he was. Taking out the trash without lifting a finger.

I remember all to well how I had to take out the garbage when I was a kid, or he promised to tell mom what I had done. The horror would be disposed of with him I hoped.