Sweet Savior

Its moist decadence was staring me down. Sending me soft vibrations of its sinfully sweet succulence. It had been five long years since I have been graced by the presence of such delights and now, I find myself sitting in the same room! It had only been a year and some change since the engagement was called off, but the emotional and psychological pain still felt fresh. All the time I put in to make myself a better person for him, to grow into the best version of that he wanted me to be, wasted. I lost over 100 pounds, moved far away from my family and friends, even put my business dreams on hold for him so he could accomplish his dreams. I did everything he asked of me, only to find when I tell him I need just a little time to myself, a retreat for myself if you will, and he flips on me.

Now, I have never done enough to contribute to our relationship, I never wanted to accept his ring when he proposed to me, and I apparently fell out of love with him years before this even happened. One year and some change and it still stings like when you put rubbing alcohol on a fresh cut on your knee after thinking you finally got the hang of riding that bike without training wheels only to find yourself kissing the pavement, hard. Chocolate cake is one of my favorites...was one of my favorite desserts. I swore off eating chocolate cake ever again after I lost the weight, one of the many great pleasures in my life that I changed for him. A complete lifestyle changes to turn myself into someone I do not even recognize anymore. I lost myself within him to the point where I even got sick and did not even realize it. Over time, I started to lose weight outside of when I would work out and at a rapid pace. I am talking 30 pounds of weight loss within a 2-week timespan...without even trying. I went vegan for a month but had to get back to incorporating meat as my diet became too insatiable. My moods would continuously fluctuate and don’t get me started on the frequent panic attacks! I went to the Emergency Room so many times, the nurses knew me on a first name basis, but the doctors for the longest still couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. They eventually chucked it up to me having G.A.D. (Generalized Anxiety Disorder).

I am a Veteran with PTSD, so I just took their word for it, but something still was not sitting right with me. It was not until about 2-years ago that I finally found out what exactly my mind and body was going through, and I found out with one word: Hyperthyroidism. According to the doctor, this is an Auto-immune disease having to do with my thyroid (located in my throat). It was the culprit causing all the above ailments I was going to the Emergency room for as well. It wasn’t until my now ex-fiancé and I moved to the mountains of Colorado that I realized that bit about myself medically. That was also around the time I had an extraordinarily strong spiritual breakthrough, more so an awakening. A spiritual awakening that told me I need to heal myself from the inside out and I needed to start immediately. It was at this scene in my life where everything fell apart, where everything started to reshape itself for the betterment of me over the last year and some change and where I currently find myself glaring at this unhealthy haven of heaven known as chocolate cake. I have made a lot of progress towards rebuilding myself after enduring so much emotional and psychological hell, and you know what I think? I deserve this. I deserve this slice of sinful delight and I deserve to not feel an ounce of guilt about it (outside of the few pounds I may put on after engorging myself in it); Not from my ex, not from my family and friends and damn sure not from myself! This time is about ME and I say it is time to get ME back, starting with this chocolate cake. Here is to ME and the decadence that is to be the start of my new life!