Sunset

“I bet you weren’t expecting this to happen.” I toss the necklace in my hand. Gold flashes, catching the setting sun’s rays, before the warm metal falls back into my waiting palm. I close my fingers around it and stare out at the jungle below me. The metal and concrete buildings that have mostly collapsed and turned to rubble. Trees poke out of the gaps, their branches claw towards the sky. The sunset paints the concrete and trees with fire. From my seat upon one of the remaining buildings, I can see everything clearly. It’s beautiful in a way. “I wish you could see it.”

There’s no reply. That’s alright. I wasn’t expecting anything but the wind anyway.

“Would you be proud of me? If you saw me now?” I open my hand and stare down at the necklace on my palm. The fingers of my other hand bite into concrete. Parts crumble away at my touch, made easier to break by wind and rain. A laugh rises to my lips. I force it down. “I’m on top of the world now.” The words come out chocked.

My thumb rubs across the smooth metal of the locket. Heart shaped, the design on its surface long since faded away by the press of fingers across its surface. The chain pools across my hand. A couple of links glints with the sun, but most of are darkened by the shadows of my curled fingers. My previous almost laugh tries its best to turn into a sob.

“I’ve been trying, you know.” The words come out broken. “It’s just so hard to go at this alone. I’m tired of being alone.” This time the sob pushes through, a choked off noise I force ruthlessly down. I run my thumb over the locket once more. “I wish you were here.”

But he can’t be because he is dead, and I am alone. Alone, with no one to help me or hold me when I cry. No one to laugh with. No one to exchange smiles with or offer good-natured cheer. The weight of this loneliness is painful. It drags my shoulders to the earth below and tightens a rope around my heart. Another sob breaks my breath. My fingers squeeze around the locket again.

“Why did you have to go?” My voice breaks once again. There’s a wind stirring. It presses strands of hair against my cheeks, stuck there by tears. My eyes burn. Despite my best efforts, I can’t help but cry. “Why did you have to die? Things were working out so well, we had all the supplies we needed, a safe place to live, so why?”

Nothing but the wind answers me. I should stop, stop speaking and just swallow these tears and thoughts. Keep moving. Keep surviving. Dwelling on the past and the people I’ve lost will get me nowhere. But I can’t. Up here on this building, protected by height, I can break without consequence.

So, I do.

I curl up, knees to my chest and arms wrapped tight around me. Tears soak the fabric of my worn jeans. I can taste the salt of them upon my lips. It’s hard to breathe, curled up like this, in a tight ball with my sobs muffled against my knees. The air I get comes in hiccupping gasps, desperately sucked in between cries. I jerk with them. Those horrible, throat ripping, body shaking sobs. They seem to be my entire life right now. Everything I have ever done narrowed down into this one point of my life, like it’s all been leading up to this. I hate it. I just want to go back to the way things were.

In the midst of my storm, the memories crash upon my like waves. Relentless. Pounding. I can’t escape them. I don’t even have the strength to try. His smile and his laugh play over and over on repeat in my mind. The warmth of his large hand on my shoulder. His voice, so comforting, now silent forever. He’s gone. He’s gone and dead and left me behind. I’m drowning in the feeling; I need someone to pull me out. Otherwise, I’ll topple right over the edge of this building, fall, and crack my head open on the broken pavement of what used to be streets. Perhaps then I would see him again. Reunited in death. If only I would be so lucky.

But I don’t drown, and I don’t fall. Eventually, the sobs pass, my tears run out. I’m just gasping for breath now. Wheezing and trying to suck in air. Slowly, my breathing even’s out to something I can manage. I uncurl, so I can stare at my locket again. This time I flick it open to look at the picture within.

“I miss you.”

My father’s face stares back at me. His dark eyes, quick and intelligent. The smile full slightly crooked teeth. His wrinkle lined face and his salt and pepper hair. It was a picture taken long ago, the baby in his arms is me. Years old, taken from before the calamity stuck. The world has changed a lot since then. I’ve changed a lot since then. With a weary sigh, I click the locket back close.

The past cannot be changed. As much as I wish, this is the world I live in now. The world just beginning to reclaim itself, to regrow from the destruction it had been dealt. The world without my father. As much as I wish it, he cannot come back from death. It’s useless to hold on. I should just let go.

I jerk to my feet in an explosion of movement. My hand raises, pulls back to throw. I halt. A fresh wave of tears stings my cheeks. I need to let go. I need to throw. Holding on won’t help, it will just hold me back. Keeping the past close will cloud my vision of the future. I’ve had my time to mourn, it’s time to focus on survival. But as much as I try, I cannot make my arm move. It means too much, this locket, Father. I’m not ready to let go. Maybe I never will be. So, in the end, I clasp the locket around my neck and tuck it under my shirt once more.

“I love you.”

The words fall into the silence of this healing world.