Subsistent Lies

The day papi died was a sad one. I rather blamed myself for the death mainly because I was the problem child (being that I was the middle child and all) and because if I had been doing my chores papi would have never went into the woods in the first place to look for me. One of the things I liked and loathed about me at the same time was my need for independence that made me rebellious. Many times papi and mami have told me to put my brains to good use, which I did just not in a very productive way. The boys my sisters and I grew up with have even given me the title of the treacherous hoyden of Anevia. What they thought of me and what they said had no effect since I never planned to get married. Now that I look back on it, I don’t really think it would matter if I wanted to get married, considering the fact we were poor now. I mean, what man would want to be married to a maiden who could not give him a dowry, even if she was considered one of the fairest in all of Anevia? Of course, Colin and Calib were the exceptions, but then again they were our best friends.

After papi died, mami and us found out papi owed a lot of people money, which was hard to believe considering he was one of the richest merchants in Anevia. Turned out papi had earned his wealth by borrowing money and promising to pay his loaners ten fold, but that never happened. Therefore, the day after the King’s collectors came and took everything that was of value and that we had not hid, Colin and Calib helped us move what little belongings we had into their family’s castle. “It was really nice of your family to let us stay with you guys until we could find somewhere else to live.” Zaria said as Calib and Colin directed servants to unload our possessions and take them to our rooms.

“It was our pleasure. After all what are friends for.” Calib said helping Zaria out the carriage and then going to help with our belongings.

I gave a snort of annoyance at Calib’s remark. “Indeed what are friends for?” I asked sarcastically as I thought how it was Colin, my friend who had persuaded me to ditch my chores and follow him into the woods to help a fawn who had fallen in a ditch.

It had turned out to be a lie to get me alone with him so he could once again steal a kiss from me, for the millionth time since we‘ve known each other. Like so many times before though, I ended up punching him square in his jaw. Even now, you could see the hints of pain whenever he ate or did something that involved his mouth. His attempts to try to hide it so no one would know he let a girl hit him after turning down his advances failed miserably. “Quite you!” Zaria yelled turning her gaze up to me on my horse. “If it wasn’t for you we wouldn’t have to take Calib and Colin’s hospitality. You put us in this situation! Not them!”

“And how pretell did I do that!?” I yelled jumping down to the ground.

“If you hadn’t neglected your chores, father would have never gone into the woods looking for you! You’re the reason why father is dead and I hate you for that!”

The servants, Izzy, mami, Colin, and Calib stopped what they were doing and stared at the two of us. “Maybe if you had been keeping a better watch on me I would have never gone into the woods in the first place!”

“My job is not to baby-sit you!”

“No it’s not! Your job is to keep me and Izzy out of trouble and you failed!” I yelled getting in Zaria’s face.

I knew right then I had crossed the line, but it was too late to take it back. Zaria’s hand flew up and struck me across the face; my head snapped sideways. I placed my hand to my cheek and brought my face back to stare at her. I had done many things in my life that deserved a sound beating, but neither papi nor mami had done so. Zaria had done the one thing they both should have done a long time ago. “I may of failed keeping you out of trouble Gabby, but it’s you that was a disappointment to father. Not me.” Zaria whispered so that I was the only one to hear her hurtful words.

That was the final straw. I was never known to cry in front of anyone. If anything, I always got even. I knew deep down I was the disappointment in the family because I was the smartest, but I never put my brains to good use. If I had been dedicated to my studies, I could have helped papi get out of his debt. I knew I was the cause of papi’s death; not because I had been in the woods and he had came after me, but because I had a gift for knowledge and did not use it to help my family. I pushed pass Zaria and ran into the woods. “Gabby!” I heard Coin yell.

I didn’t stop I just kept running. It must have been awhile before I came upon a stream and splashed myself into it, trying to cleanse myself of the pain and disgrace I had endured. Getting out of the stream, I sat on the ground and pulled my knees up to my chest. Resting my head on my knees, I began to cry for the first time in a long time. I heard the sound of footsteps approach from behind me, and then stop. I quickly tried to wipe my tears away. “Why did you follow me Colin?”

“To see if you were all right.” Colin said sitting beside me.

“I’m fine, now go. I wish to be alone.”

“It doesn’t look that way to me Gabby.” He said wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “And I’m not going to leave until I get my old Gabby back.”

“I don’t need your sympathy, now go!” I yelled trying to shrug his arm off me.

“Gabby quit being a stubborn wench!” Colin yelled. “I understand your need for independence, but now is not the time to keep your feelings bottled up!”

I turned my tear stained face up to look at Colin. My world was turning upside down. First, I am struck for the first time in my life, and then Colin yells at me when all he has ever done before was sweet-talk and cajole me so I would like him as more than just a friend. I buried my face in Colin’s chest and cried harder. “Gabby I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell. Its just, this is the first time I’ve ever seen you this way and you won’t let me help you. I feel helpless. I don’t like to see you cry when all I have ever seen you be is strong, sometimes stronger than me.” Colin whispered stroking my hair and back.

“Zaria’s right, I did kill papi Colin. It is my entire fault. I should have been doing my chores not in the woods, even if there really was a helpless deer. Animals are aplenty, papi wasn’t.” I sobbed even harder into his chest.

Colin lifted my face up with his thumb. “Listen to me Gabby. Your father’s death is not your fault. Even if you had been doing your chores, your father probably would have killed himself anyways. Do not blame yourself. If you want someone to blame, blame me for lying to you and taking you into the woods in the first place.”

I shook my head. “No Colin, it’s my fault. Papi and mami had such high hopes for me, but whatever they wanted for me, I wanted the opposite. If I had been committed to my studies I could have helped papi with his debt. I hate myself, I hate who I am, but most of all I wish it was me that had been hanging from that tree not papi.”

This sent Colin into a fury, and with his eyes ablaze, he grabbed my shoulders and gave me a fierce shake. “Don’t you ever say that again! Do you hear me!? You survived the fire when you were little and I’ll be damned if I lose you because you feel bad about your father’s death! He owed a lot of people money! I doubt you being a scholar woman instead of the rebellious girl I know and love would have helped! Things happen for a reason and unfortunately, a bad thing happened to your father! I won’t let you suffer for your father’s sins! So don’t ever speak of dying again, understand!?”

I looked wide-eyed at Colin. I had never seen him lose it before. I nodded and laid down in his arms. I survived a fire when I was little. I don’t remember that, and papi never spoke of any fire to me. I tilted my head up to look at Colin. I tried to study his face, tried to read his mind as he stared off into oblivion. He must have sensed I was staring because he looked down at me. The rage in his face had been replaced with love and concern. I smiled and placed a hand on his cheek. “Thank you.”

“For what?” He said, placing his hand over mine and kissing it.

“Caring.” I lifted my head and gave him a kiss.

The kiss had intended to be quick and friendly, but as I laid my head back down Colin brought his face down and gave me a fiercer kiss, as if he would die if he did not give me a passionate kiss. A part of me wanted to punch him again, but another part wanted to let him do what he always wanted so I could forget about my sorrow for a while. I took my hands and wrapped them around his neck as he lifted me into a sitting position not once breaking the kiss. When he began untying my bodice, I froze and broke the kiss. Colin looked at me. “I’m sorry Colin, but I can’t do this.”

Frustration showed in his eyes. “Maybe some other time.” Colin said in a declaration.

I nodded. “Aye, maybe.” I said averting my eyes.

We stood up and he tied my bodice. As we walked back towards the castle, I lagged behind. Colin is my friend, what was I thinking? Somehow, I knew I would regret finding comfort in my friends arms somewhere in the future, especially when I knew how he felt about me. I ran up to catch up with him, preparing to do something I had never done in my life-my chores.