Subsistent Lies

Another day has gone by and nothing exciting has yet to happen. Life is boring this way. Its uncomfortable living in another house instead of ours. Papa has been gone for a day or two and we all miss him. I think all of the tension of his death and having to move got everyone a little bit moody. Just now Zaria had slapped Gabriella. I know that Gabriella has done many things in her life to deserve a good slapping, but I never thought that anyone would do it, especially Zaria who normally ignores Gabriella’s bad behavior. Once Gabriella ran off to the woods, everyone sort of stood dazed and then returned back to what they were doing. Mama tried to speak to Zaria but she was gone before we could find her. I turned to the house and closed my eyes. My head was killing me; I think another one of my headaches were coming on. I would ask one of my sisters to find a way to get rid of it, but Gabby was in the woods followed by Colin, and Zaria had left toward the house.

I started to walk in the direction of the house when I stopped. Calib was now coming out with some servants behind him. I sighed. Why didn’t he like me? Was I not attractive? It seems like it is always like this. I like someone and he never seems to like me back. When will I be able to fall in love with the right person? It seems I spend all my time keeping my feelings to myself. What else is there to do? Gabby does not seem like the person that I could talk to about this too. And Zaria….she already has too much to do; I didn’t want to worry her with my problems. I was so used to getting what I wanted, I didn’t like the fact that it wouldn’t be like that anymore. The provider was always papa. Now that he’s gone, I won’t be able to be the spoiled one. It was a habit I knew would be hard to break. I wonder…would things be so different if I was man instead of a woman? Would I have better luck in love than I do now? Or would I still be miserable? I sighed as I found my way to my new room. Everything in the castle was so dreary. I lied back on my bed. It seems I always think about “what if” or “why” or something of that nature. I need to learn how to live life without thinking about things so hard. I start to head off into sleep when I heard mama call, “Izzy?”

“Yes mama?” I sighed, getting off my bed. She walked into my room and smiled at me.

“Darling, have you seen your sisters?”

“Zaria….I think she’s in her room and Gabriella, well, I don’t know where she is.”

“Thank you darling. Don’t forget that we have to cook dinner tonight.”

“Oh swell.” I say sarcastically.

She smiles and then leaves the room. Why is she always asking where they are? And why can’t she tell me why she needs them? I sigh. Here I go again, jumping to conclusions and second guessing everything around me. Maybe it would be better if I did take a little nap. “Isabella…..’Sabella.”

I woke up to Zaria’s voice. “Hey Zaria.” I looked around. There was nothing lighting my room except the fire that was now burning in my fireplace. “What’s going on?”

“We need to prepare dinner.”

I sighed. “Must we?”

“Isabella….” She starts and I get out of bed.

“I know, I know. Be quiet and do as I’m told.” I hear this almost all the time from both my sisters. Zaria sighs and walks towards me.

“Its nothing personal, but now we have to work extra hard. Mother needs to support us, and we need to help the Gulliver family whenever were asked to.”

I smile. Zaria may be a bit stiff sometimes but I knew that she only was because she loves Gabby and me. “Fine, just don’t let me near the stove. I don’t think that Madamesoille Gulliver would appreciate it if we burned down their kitchen the first night of our stay.”

Zaria laughed and nodded. “’Sabella, I’ll be sure to cook whatever you are cooking.”

**********

The days have gone by and we all have been acting like the obedient daughters we were raised to be. There are more chores in this house then there was at ours, sometimes it drives me mad but I try not to complain too much. I think of papa and somehow I muddle through the day. We miss him all so much, you can tell by mother’s forlorn expressions and the way Zaria and Gabriella act. We wish he was here, but we can’t always have what we want. I wish I had the attitude as my sisters. For example, Zaria lives life to the fullest and Gabriella as if there was no tomorrow. Adjusting to more work is almost harder to adjust to the fact that Calib has a crush on my dear older sister. I know that I am a shy person, but I do regret it now. I don’t think anyone notices it, but I have seen the way he has stared at her. Just the other day I was cleaning the den when Zaria walked in, Calib not to far behind. I hid behind the curtains as they continued with their conversation, “Calib, what is your problem? You’ve been acting weird every since we’ve arrived.”

“Tis nothing. I’ve just noticed you more.”

“Noticed me walk around here like your dear servant.”

“My dear, you know if it wasn’t for my mother I wouldn’t dare let you pick up a broom again,” he walked toward her and picked up a lock of her hair and smelled it, “Your days would be attending to the garden and the nights in my bed.”

“Calib….no matter what would and could happen, I could not attend to you as a mistress.”

“Not a mistress my love, but a wife.”

“Ah, Calib. Are you so sure of yourself? You should open your eyes and prey on someone else….in either case I could not be yours or you mine. I have my reasons and your duty calls for a more suitable wife.”

I had then sneezed and they both looked toward the curtains. “Damn you Calib, now the servants know of your doing.”

“Let them know my love for you.”

“Your love will be the cause of your fall. Leave now and I will deal with the one who hides.”

“Only because you bid it.” He had left and a couple of seconds later Zaria did too. I knew that she had an idea of what happened and I silently thanked her that night at supper for not speaking up.

That was how I spent my days here, thinking of father and Calib. One day, as I watched Gabriella attend to the animals at the stables outside my window, I sat down and wrote a poem, thinking of father. Thinking of all the pain he gave us, all the anguished turmoil that we went through.

You carried me in your arms

You rocked me asleep at night

You gave me all I wanted

You turned up my little light

You were the one that I looked up to

Daddy you were my knight

Despite all the things that have happened

You still have a place in my heart

It was a special poem that I wanted to place on fathers grave. I snapped from my thoughts when I heard mothers voice. I sighed as I placed the paper under my pillow, and headed toward the parlor where I needed to attend to my studies.