Submerged

PT1

She thought she was drowning ..felt like she was drowning ..like, seriously the worst thing that could ever happen, has in fact happened. Here she was sitting in this cold place with concrete wall and concrete floors. The bed toilet and sink were all less that's 2 feet apart. There was no way out. What ever was to happen now was completely out of her hands. Laying on this cold steel bunk her tears made her feel as if she were drowning, submerging 20 feet under in the deep sea. Heart beating, skin clammy, it was only deep breaths that were calming her spirit. Well , hear it from her, she can tell you better....

"Jessup! Jessup get up time for shake down!" The CO was screaming in my cell, apparently guessing that she was talking to someone that's hard of hearing because she is definitely loud. She don't give a damn though, to her I'm just another inmate. With no words to speak back I did as she asked and simply made my way out of the cold cell. Four officers made their way into my confided space and I listened as they tore my things up, tossed my books, papers, and commissary from this wall to that wall. What exactly are they looking for? The officers call a shake down from time to time and enter our cells and devour our personal belongings. Tears rolled down my face thinking about what my children were doing right now while I'm here being treated as a savage. Janasia and Jaylen. As my eye lids lowered to close, their baby scents invaded my nostrils. The soft feel of their hair and skin crept into the palms of my hands. Head leaning back against the wall my day dream took over while the officers took over my cell. Only for a moment was my daydream allowing me to escape this hell called jail. Instead of jail my babies were yelling "mommy! mommy can we go outside" Just as quickly as the dream came the dream left. No longer were my 3 and 4 year old toddlers screaming for mommy. Instead the CO's were screaming my name for me to get back in my cell.

"Got ten minutes to clean this mess up before shift change or you get lock down for 24hrs." Slamming the cell door made me jump almost out of my skin. This place was ugly.

Refusing to let them see my tears my bottom flopped on the bunk while bending over to quickly clean up. Lock down for 24 hours meant no visit tomorrow and that wasn't an option. Deandre is bringing the babies to see me with my granny. Oh I miss them so much. My tears turned into sobs , my sobs overtook my body and now my cheeks are on the cold steel floor. This had to hurry and be over. The judge talking about five years. Five years to be away from my 3 and 4 year old. Are you serious? Get out of here when the babies are 8 and 9..? He's got to be out of his mind to let me sit in here like this this long ..oh, he? He is the kids dad, Deandre.

The police came to the house about some shooting. Deandre told me to tell the police that he was home with the kids and the minute those words left my mouth the police were arresting for murder and something about it only be 5 years for self defense. ONLY? And where'd they do the math to equal my time at5 year. He told me not to talk to the police and I didn't. He told me not to speak with a detective and I didn't. He told me he had my lawyer already paid for and here it is going on 30 days I've been sitting in this county jail with no visit from even a public defender. Not even a lousy piece of mail. Whenever he picks up the phone for me he tells me he cant talk much and tells me to limit my communication while waiting for the courts to make their ruling. This is getting on my nerves and my babies are just out there without me ..what am I supposed to do? Is betraying him betraying my children ? This a tough decision to make, but while i was picking up the last bit of mess in my cell, the CO was back at my door, this time telling me there was a professional visit waiting on me....Professional...? Was this my attorney?