Stolen Moments of Solitude

There weren’t always dragons in the Valley. Today, of course, there are three. Selfishly, I’m mad at them for being in the space I want to fill with my solitude. Hmph.

I’m at the lip of the valley, paused in indecision. A fleeting chuckle passes through the mountain horizon of my thoughts at the novelty of that particular feeling. Almost worth it.

Bringing my thoughts back, I let my magical senses expand. I’m not reaching far, uneasy about giving myself away to the dragons before I’m ready. But it’s enough to confirm that I’m still alone – apart from the dragons. Out here, I can just be myself. There’s time for all the different parts of myself to chatter. Hence, the occasional expeditions to escape the demands of ruling.

The dragons are an unexpected fly in today’s ointment.

Peering down the cutaway slope, part of me considers leaving, calling the day early and skulking back to my cold and bustling castle. Another part of me considers the ramifications of sneaking in to go on with my plans. Practice forbidden magic in an uninhabited Valley, sure… add in three ancient and fluent magic users that can naturally detect vibrations at the deepest levels… Nope. Not even remotely a good idea.

I can’t just ignore them and hope they ignore me. I also can’t intimidate them into finding somewhere else to chill. Or can I…? No. As much as I want the valley to myself, that might start a war that I don’t want to win and cannot afford to lose. They’re too valuable as our allies.

Dragons may be dangerous, but their libraries hold secrets that we can barely dream of, and in their heads are centuries – if not millennia – worth of experiences that helped shape the world in which we live.

Distracted, another tiny part of me is very carefully watching the grass bow in a wind that looks natural but is moving in the wrong direction. I call this particular part of my extra-roomy consciousness the General, because it is always on alert for the direction of the next attack. It, or rather he, has saved my life more times than I can count by catching the warning signs I miss, and by helping me respond appropriately. If there is a threat here I can’t see, he’ll identify it and advise me.

I bring my thoughts back yet again to the dilemma at hand. My returning consciousness tests and tries on the different options. Running away is the first to be discarded. The expenditure of effort for today’s escape was too much to justify if I turn tail now.

A thought flits in, and I stop my train of consciousness entirely to appreciate my escape all over again. Oh yeah, I finally one-upped the Master of my Guard! Evaded the ever-loving shit out of his careful surveillance. Yeah, ok, he did catch me at the very last moment. But I’d landed that disarming move he’d taught me perfectly, knocking him out so he couldn’t follow. Finally, the student bests the teacher! And he keeps growling at me to keep my guard up... Checkmate, Mister.

Mind you, I’d given away one of my best escape routes, and probably gotten myself in a ton of trouble, but it was totally worth it to finally best him. He’d forgive me eventually.

Enjoying the rare freedom to think freely, impossible in a palace full of telepaths, I allow myself a moment more to embrace the thrill of my personal victory. Letting the hum of satisfaction spill out of my chi, it ripples through my whole body, and with a final whisper, touches the trees in the Valley before flicking back into the secrecy of my deepest thoughts.

Moment over. Back to my thought train.

Ok, not running away. What next… Hide and hope the dragons don’t notice me? Trust that I can scare them off if they do find me? I’m back to indecision, and I’m starting to remember why I don’t normally allow it. Mad weary dripples of tension forcing urgency in the slow tick of seconds passing without resolution, without clarity. The novelty is wearing off and the feeling is growing heavier with each passing moment. How do I decide when it’s only for myself? I’m not accustomed to the luxury of personal choice.

…The General suddenly bursts full force into my mind, pushing everything else aside. Even in my head, he sounds a lot like my Master of the Guard. “Four dragons!”

He lifts my attention unerringly to the danger just behind me. The war-torn general has triangulated the source of the bowing grass to the gentle sparkling of an invisibility spell. I can’t sense it at all. Which can only mean one thing. Another dragon. They must have set a sentry.

No way out of it now. If they take exception to my presence, I’ll have to force the issue to assert my dominance.

I whip around, my physical gaze reaching up to where my magical gaze is pinned to the very convincing illusion of a blank patch of sky. I allow some of my power to slip into my voice as I push the barest hint of compulsion into the air between us.

“Speak, stranger. Identify yourself as friend or foe.”

A ruffle of air pushes past me, and the invisibility spellcloak dissolves in gleaming patches to reveal a sky-blue and cloud-white dragon hovering, wings outstretched and barely moving, level with the tree tops lining the meadow I’d just walked through.

A voice tickles in my head, filled with just a hint of laughter. [HOW CAN I DEEM MYSELF ONE OR THE OTHER WITHOUT KNOWING YOUR REASONS FOR BEING HERE?] The dragon tucks its wings inward toward its body, and its equally undetectable hover spell dissipates in a flurry of snow-scented wind, leaving the dragon’s talons to gently come to rest on the ground. Its eyes are bright with mirth, and I feel my mouth start to curl unbidden into a smile.

A smartass dragon. Awesome. I might make it out of this without starting a new war.

“I guess the only way to know for sure is to get to know me.” I would have said something about not eating me, except telepathic speech is quicker than verbal, so before I can continue, I feel a brightening of interest. Deep underneath is the prickling of a wordless question generated out of some need too profound for even me to understand. And then [OH? IS THAT AN INVITATION?].

Trust me to run into a dragon that wants to make friends on a day when I’m trying to escape being seen. Amusement and just a hint of frustration tinge my answer. “On any other day, it would be. Today…? It’s maybe half of one. Why, are you interested?”

The dragon curls its tail around its limbs, settling down like an imperious cat – all blinking eyes and arched neck – but my lukewarm response has it rumbled. [YOU DON’T WANT FRIENDS TODAY?] Its confusion is obvious, but even as I gather myself to speak, [OH, I SEE. YOU WERE LOOKING FOR SOLITUDE TODAY, AND I’M INTERRUPTING].

I feel my eyebrow arch in a keen irony. A dragon can read me better than my own people. Hardly surprising, considering, but it leaves me biting down a feeling of betrayal. If only… But that thought leads nowhere, and I ruthlessly prune it.

“No, it’s alright. I am always happy to make a new friend. I can…” and here my voice momentarily trails off, as I look down into the valley at the other dragons and back “…get my solitude some other time. Would you like to introduce me to your friends?” Inside I’m wailing, but duty is never ‘off-duty’.

[GOD NO, I’M NOT WITH THEM.] The startled burst of outrage colours into my own thoughts, momentarily making me feel the dragon’s pain and wounded pride, slackening into surprise.

[OH. YOU’RE FEELING MY THOUGHTS?] My mouth drops open in genuine shock, as the dragon shifts through a range too quickly for me to catch individual emotions. I identify a blend of shock and horror, then confusion and fear, then focused attention with just a hint of speculation.

[HOW DID YOU LEARN TO DO THAT?] With no intervening movement, the dragon is suddenly a boy my age walking towards me, dressed in a sky-blue and cloud-white adventurer’s outfit. Such a quick shift of reality shows impeccable control.

Before I can respond, he freezes to a stop. [I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I forget my manners.] He’s making the effort to appear harmless, still speaking telepathically, but without a dragon’s booming. My third sight snaps into hyperdrive, and I watch as the shimmering haze of magic surrounding him mists into his skin and disappears. If I wasn’t watching him, I would have sworn he wasn’t a magic-user, let alone a dragon. I’d never seen a magical aura compact so completely.

The General is suddenly at my shoulder again. The part of me that can sense danger is terrified precisely because I don’t sense any danger from the boy in front of me. He could have been any of my subjects – if rather cuter than I’d like to admit. He could have stood right in front of me in a crowd, and I would have overlooked him.

Something is wrong here.

Immediately, my hackles rise. Triggered by my sudden unconscious intent, my arsenal pops into easy reach, and without thinking, I call my great-sword to hand. Before I shape any intent, I let my words slide into existence between us as a warning and a demand.

“I am the Divine Empress of Nys, and this land is my sovereign right to defend. If you mean harm, I will not stay my hand. I tell you this as a warning to be very careful how you answer. Who are you and what are your intentions here?”

I hold my movement, feeling the urge to slide into combat stance vibrate down my legs, but tempering it with the need to allow space for a peaceful resolution. By our actions we are betrayed, and mine will not be the ones that trigger war.

He backs up a few steps with his hands up in supplication. [I know who you are, and I promise you, I mean no harm.] I can feel his concern pouring through, and though he’s trying to hide his emotions, my heart pulls the concepts toward me quicker than he can stop them.

I do not sense harm. I sense curiosity and hope, and a strange sense of kinship.

I am not convinced. I can trust nothing from a dragon who can hide himself so completely.

But much to my chagrin, it dawns on me that he’s been tasting my thoughts too, reaching straight for the source, so he knows exactly what I’m feeling from him, and how I’m responding. The first hints of panic push through the earth of my thoughts. Feeling them, my path becomes clear.

My gift of empathy crystallizes for a moment, and then winks out of existence.

My hanging arsenal disappears back into its extra-dimensional pocket, and a beating pulse of energy begins to drum in my solar plexus, an emergency beacon summoning my forces. My thoughts are private now, much as my emotions – hidden behind a shell of psychic void-crystal.

I’m still holding my sword, but I force myself to maintain the light, teasing tone that I used before, cocking a hip and resting the hilt against my other leg. “Tell me, how did you learn to read a heart? I thought dragons were forbidden from learning that language.”

He smirks a little, as if emboldened by my casualness. [Now that would be silly. But tell me, how did you learn it, if it’s forbidden to us?]

I pull a half-smile, wondering where he’s been for the last 3 centuries. Just over 300 years ago, by law, all dragons were spell-cursed to forget that they spoke it naturally. It had been agreed to by a council of elders including representatives from all 12 major racial factions in Nys. It had been my first official act of law, to end the feud between dragons and all other races.

Dragons were innately more powerful than any other race in the realm. Once upon a time, they didn’t ask, they just took what they wanted. And the other races had been rightfully scared to coexist with beings whose peaceful resolution could still end in them being eaten. Dragons had been the primary threat to the safety of our realm. A threat dire enough for the council of elders to summon me.

So I’d shown up and given the dragons a handicap. Speaking telepathically, they could project their emotions with their words. I had created a spell that would force them to do so, but forget that they were doing it, or even that they knew how to. Then, when communicating with other races, dragons could be no less than truthful.

It was a measure that had halted unnecessary conflict with dragons overnight, and – after the first few years of negotiations – ended dragon predation across the realm. Mainly because my second act had been to make them pay taxes. That forced them to work within our economy to buy what they would have just taken before. I got a handy treasury with which to redress dragon attacks, and they got acceptance and a way to legitimately get their needs met.

It was almost too easy.

All it had taken was a moment. One single shining moment. One scintillating decision. And the certainty of change.

It had barely even rippled, catching on before the other 11 races even had time to blink. Transmitted via the willing mind of the Elder Dragon directly to every living dragon at once. No dragon could have escaped my blessing-curse.

The fact that there was one old enough to transform to human that didn’t remember the moment – and certainly remembered how to use the language of the heart – was more than worrying. It was a signal I had waited for all my life. The sign that the oasis I had created was going to shatter. The first chink in the armour.

Was this the first sign of the end of my empire?

I was pure Light reincarnated into a human body. When I began my rule as Divine Empress, my Darkness had been cast out so that I could unite Nys under my rule the way it was meant to be – without hesitation, without stain, without contest.

But one day, when my time was about to end, the Darkness would return, and I would be forced to lose the Light and allow someone else to take my place to begin the next cycle.

I’d always imagined I’d fall in battle facing the final Darkness.

The boy standing in front of me could not be that. He just couldn’t. And only the most powerful agent of the Darkness could defeat me.

…The General bursts into my mind again, bringing me back to the present with a jolt. Breaking the bubble of silence between me and the dragon-boy, a fleeting slip of grey fur races past me, pivoting to a halt over my unarmed shoulder.

A legendary-sized dire wolf, in full combat armour, growls fiercely at the startled dragon-boy. After a moment of panic, my fear subsides in recognition. It’s my Master of the Guard. I haven’t seen his war form in centuries. But he’s here, and he has my back.

I allow myself one tiny slip of a moment, safe with my empathy locked off, to feel a sudden blossom of love bubble up through my ribs and fill my heart cavity. Even using all his tricks, he couldn’t have responded to my beacon that quickly. Which means I had never evaded him. He must have allowed me to escape and then followed at a distance to keep me safe without restraint. If only... again, I ruthlessly snap off the thought before it truly begins. Even in the safety of my own thoughts, it's too dangerous to allow hope a foothold.

Steeling my mind back under iron control, I allow the barest slip of empathy to unfurl from the Void crystal holding it out of consciousness. Reaching out with a tendril, I dip into the wolf’s thoughts. Not enough for words, just enough to ask for direction. Yes, I am the Empress, but a good leader asks for help when it’s needed, and I don’t know what to do.

With a rippling of magic that tickles across my skin like butterflies dancing in the sunlight, he steps forward, letting the dire wolf fall away to reveal his familiar coat and hat. He lays a hand on my shoulder as he passes, and – still safe in the impenetrable bubble of my deepest thoughts – I let the feeling of peace settle through me. His touch means home, belonging, safety. And despite my best efforts to lose him, he’s here, protecting me.

He speaks, a demand of the dragon-boy. I can’t follow it, distracted by a sudden and urgent thought that fleets past almost too fast to catch, as if it’s scared to be seen.

Gears shift. And shift again. Click. My thoughts realign. Shock and horror bloom. The voice in my head that I’d always considered a part of my mind dressed in familiar clothes… Didn’t belong to me at all. The General, that tricky old war-dog that helped me see a way out of any situation, kept me alert to every detail and to every hidden threat… Was in fact a part of my Master of the Guard, living in my mind.

And despite my empathy being shut off, that voice was still hearing my thoughts. In fact, had more access to my thoughts than any other part of me. Realization bubbles up. That’s why I’d never been able to fool him. In fact, he would be hearing me thinking this right now, knowing that he’d let the cat out of the bag. He could never hide this from me again.

But.

After centuries of successfully hiding it, I’d just spilt my most forbidden secret right out loud in front of him.

My thoughts ratchet down into frozen immobility.

Stutter.

Skip.

Halt.

I lift my gaze, and like watching an eagle dive, I see the recognition fill dragon-boy’s eyes, flitting from him to me and back again.

With no conscious effort on my part, my empathy ricochets back into being, expanding to full capacity. In my teacher’s mind right now is confirmation of something he had only ever suspected before, and dragon-boy is feeling and responding to it.

I do the only thing I can, trying to fix it. I allow my mind to fall deeply into both males, cataloguing the differences, filing an apology for later when I can afford to make amends for violating their private thoughts so thoroughly, and lifting the newest memories of both men into my grasp. I snip the connections between my teacher’s thoughts and the dragon, rendering the dragon’s recall inert and effectively destroying the knowledge in his mind.

But as I shift my attention to lifting the memory of my revelation out of my teacher’s mind, he turns to me, gripping my wrist. “Not on your life.” He smirks, and my throat goes tight. “Not now that you’ve finally slipped up. Don’t you dare.” He clears his throat, looking uncomfortable but resolute, and glances back at the dragon briefly. Assessing the threat and dismissing it, he curves his body more protectively in front of me.

He raises a hand to my face and holds it there. “I know. I know it’s not possible, but please give me this. Let me remember your love. Even if we can’t acknowledge it. Just let me remember it.” I can’t help but lean into his hand, his touch threatening to finally break my indestructible control. Barely breathing, feeling the words slip out of my stomach like an ugly pulsing thing. “I can’t.” My eyes slip closed, aching with the truth of my words. He should know better. He of all people knows how vulnerable this would make me.

His hand is tender on my face as he pleads. “Let me protect this secret for you. Please.” And then his breath is trembling, hesitant, floating just above my lips, asking. They part inadvertently, and the slip of his breath that I suck into my lungs is my undoing. My head tilts forward, and our lips meet.

I surrender.

My heart fills to the brim and spills over, like dawn rising out of the sea. I’m falling into him, hearing as he hears, feeling his heart beat as if it were in my chest. The tempered desperation in his stolen but chaste kiss tells me he’s dreamt about this love as much as I have. Until it’s a dripping, living, longing that drowns all reason and leaves only desire.

And as the moment crests…

I freeze time.

Terrified, I pull back. I’ve done exactly what I am not allowed to do. Broken the one rule I must abide by to continue my path of pure Light. I’ve fallen in love.

Worse. I’ve fallen in love with the one person who has the power to change my decisions.

This is exactly why I am forbidden to love. This moment, right here, is the end of my ability to reign. If I don’t allow the unconscious prepared action my empowered mind has prepared, I will be giving Darkness free rein to enter my inner world.

I allow the knowledge of the coming spell to settle into my conscious awareness. Following it through to the inevitable severing. Not as bad as I feared. He just has to lose his memory of his love for me. I will be the same, and he will never again explore this route. It will simply cease to be an option.

True Love’s Kiss. The crux of every fairy-tale. And now, the one thing that will guarantee my True Love will never again kiss me.

The pieces are already in place, the shears hovering for the final strokes, the false memory ready to be implanted. All I have to do is let it happen.

And I can’t.

I step away, confident that my hold on Time is sure enough that I can return to the precise moment to enact the spell.

I’m looking for another way, waiting, delaying the moment. Perhaps I shouldn’t have chosen to pause and give myself the chance to think.

If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have remembered either.

But maybe that would be better than to know and to lose it so completely.

A tear trickles down my face.

Then another.

And another.

Until I fall to my knees and sob. I can’t. I can’t.

I don’t realise I’m saying it aloud until I notice the voice soothing me. I dig myself slowly out of my foetal curl, blinking bleary-eyed up toward the face singing over me. Has my grip on time broken?

Worse.

Dragon-boy is holding me, rocking me gently, and singing at the sky. Time is still frozen, my teacher paused where I left him, but this impossible dragon-boy has somehow transcended all of my defences and found me in my weakness.

To comfort me…?

A wall that has been breached by only one other heart in this lifetime suddenly falls away between him and me, and I let go of my fear. I drop every bit of self-control, and let the grief take me.

The tragedy of my situation unfolds inadvertently between us. Hot, heavy, angry and vengeful, my pain and resentment bubbling up like a blood-fever – impossible to treat.

To be Divine Empress – to be pure Light – is to give up all worldly things and surrender to the Will of the Universe. To be the More that all living beings need. To not allow anything to come between me and the rightness of ‘What Is’.

Falling in love with my Master of the Guard is not just stupid and reckless – it could literally destabilize the fabric of magic, and thereby the entire realm of Nys.

It is the one and only thing I’ve wanted, since the first moment I met him. So maybe I’m being childish. It feels good to finally acknowledge how much I hate this rule.

It seems an eon before I’m cried out. But not much longer until I clean my face with a spell and look up. And I’ll be damned if dragon-boy isn’t smirking into my eyes.

Heart magic can’t work out of time, but somehow I still sense his amusement at my dismay. Quicker than thought, I can feel his inquisitively darting attention alight on my lips and then dance away quickly to sit, swinging legs and all, precisely upon the dandelion head of propriety.

He lets go, allowing me to pull back. I purposefully avoid looking at my teacher. If I can pretend for a few moments more that my heart isn’t ending, I’m sure I can do this.

I feel a curious tension in the part of my mind that identifies the dragon-boy, a tiny little rumble of colour and sound sliding into place instead of the filing card that should identify its place in my internal directory. It’s not quite a name, but it is more than a casual acquaintance would dare to call a being like this. Trickster.

Like a new piece of data, it clicks into place among my mental library, changing nothing except the classification system. Suddenly, I have space for multiple libraries.

All at once, I understand.

Blinking into the eyes of the dragon-shaped God, I find my place.

Yes, this is how my reign ends.

Even as he whispers the words to me, I feel hope well up in my heart. [I can show you the way.] The way to keep my love. The way to set right all I had feared could only go wrong. The way out.

The Darkness has found me. But my legacy will continue uninterrupted. The Light will continue, and I will be allowed to fall, to have a human life instead of sacrificing all that I am that one last time.

And all it will take is the choice to love as I wish.

Suddenly overwhelmed, I close my eyes. More than ever, I curse the indecision, wishing it would flee, and let me choose the right path. Could I truly give up my rule?

For love...?

My thoughts flicker through my life, my future, everything I thought was still to come, and I finally allow myself to look at my teacher, asking myself the one question that matters.

“Can I live without him?”

The answer, echoing up through my bones like distant thunder, grows louder until my entire being hums with it, spilling out of me and setting the space around me glowing. Held out of Time like this, it is terrifying but harmless. I’m still bounded by Space…

With a wrench almost too fast to feel, the darkness of the Void above our realm comes into focus. I realize that dragon-boy has just taken us out of Space too, and my heartsong is barrelling off into the distance in an ever-widening ring.

No, not dragon-boy. The Trickster God.

He takes me by the back of the neck and walks me into position, held poised a moment away from my Master of the Guard. [Time for you to kiss your beast and either kill him or keep him. I’ll clean up the mess on this side. You just focus on surviving the storm.]

Holding me frustratingly compliant, he leans in and lets his breath flirt against my skin. [I know you’re about to hate my guts, but if you ever get tired of Mr Hoity-Toity, call me. I’ll hear you. He’s a mere mortal. I’m a God. If you say yes to me, the world will be yours again.] He kisses my cheek and breaks my hold on time.

I jolt forward into the moment I’d fled from, and once again, molten sun spills into me from the barest touch of his lips on mine. Breath mingling, the tiniest exploratory darts of tongues against lips. It’s more a held breath than a shared kiss, but the intimacy drowns me swifter than darkness as I feel his questing heart reach out for mine.

I can feel the spell come together, and the moment of decision is on me.

As the barbs reach out to tear his memory of this kiss from him, my mind rebels, and my eyes fly open. With a twist of will, I reassign the molecules of the spell to water, ejecting it safely a short distance away, creating rainbows in the sunlight.

As he presses forward, recognizing that something has changed, I find my heart has a new threading resonance of darkness. A hymn in a different colour.

Only time will tell if I made the right choice.

I hear a faint chuckle, just behind my ear. [You’ll do, dear. Until we meet again.] And the image of the sky-blue and cloud-white dragon with a rainbow name-tag vanishes, leaving me alone in my wilderness sanctuary, kissing the man I love in the sunshine and the delicate sound of the wind in long grass.