Some Are Lost For A Reason: Part One

“My soul broken, skin frozen like ice, no longer warmed by the love of my companions. My heart, bitter, crumbling with every breath I take, pumping black, empty ooze through my veins. I look out upon the world, and all I see is pain. Darkness crowds every corner, inescapable. They told me—too many times, that,”the Rainbow is just above the Storm.” But what they forget is everything that goes up, must come down.

Its been one year, one never ending year, a year where I was no longer known as ones man’s wife, but a dead man’s widow. No longer a mother, just a girl familiar with the pain of endless tears.

I was married young, blind by love, wishing for the perfect happily ever after. I knew ever since I was young, that I was meant to be a mother. I often would hide in my room, playing with my dolls, caring for them as if they were my very own children—alive and loved.

I always knew I was going to have a girl. A girl following in my steps, splashes of love hidden behind sarcastic remarks. Venessa, that was going to be her name, that was the name my precious baby girl was going to have. It was her, Venessa, that would capture my entire heart and soul. If she should ever feel pain, I would feel it tenfold. If she were to die, a part of me would die too… and that’s exactly what happened.

Most said I should have seen it sooner, but they didn’t feel the love that I felt. They didn’t know how addictive his touch was, the warmth he would leave inside of you, after pressing his lips against your own. The butterflies that still fly in your stomach, even if you’ve known him for so long.

I never knew that he would do what he did, I didn’t think he had a dark side. But I now know that was all my wishful thinking. There was one thing I did know, he lied terribly and quite frequently. He would stay some nights at his friend’s house, and sometimes wouldn’t return for a full week.

_

I was shocked when they told me, when they showed me who he really was. I didn’t understand, “How could he do this to me? To our sweet girl Venessa?” These thoughts twirled around in my mind, choking my brain as the chief of police sat me down and said this to me…

“ Ma‘am, your husband is a PSYCHOPATH.”

Tens to hundreds of innocent people, slaughtered, by the same hands that felt so good when pushed up against me. Their blood, smeared across the same lips that felt heavenly when exploring every piece of me.

My heart darkened, my soul quenched, my stomach twisted, and in return, I hurled all over the office I was in. My face suddenly turned pale, as if I was possessed with a sickness, instead of just overcome with this indescribable pain.

How am I supposed to feel? What is the emotions running around inside of me, punching every organ inside of me, tightening every muscle? What am I supposed to do now, what is my next step? By now this new discovery smacked me across the face, leaving me stupefied, confused, terrified, and a feeling I have never felt before.

” What am I supposed to do now… like, when my PSYCHOPATH HUSBAND returns for dinner, and asks me, ‘ How was your day honey?’”

The words felt horrifying leaving my lips. By now, tears had flushed away all the makeup on my face. Now leaving me desperate, yelling at everyone around me just to understand what this all meant. I yearned for anyone around me to have the perfect answer, or at least maybe a time traveler to turn back this whole mess and turn my life back—back, when it was perfect. I thought that this was rock bottom for me, until someone in the back of the room stepped forward, as to deliver their part of this practiced skit, but instead said this,

“ Ma’am, I regret to inform you that you will not need to worry about that. Ma’am, your husband is DEAD.”

I never thought the pit in my stomach could have curled deeper, until it did. My mind drowning in confusion, without anything to support my foundation. My brain slipped, my body froze, it seemed as my soul was watching my body from the outside begging to be put out of its misery.

—

I returned home, to a house I was scared to open my eyes to. Nothing felt the same. Every turn I made, I felt a dark presence weighing me down. It was him, infecting every piece of me.

Yet even in the darkness, where I didn’t know where I was, what I felt, how to move forward, there was her. Venessa approached me with a bright smile, her smile warmed my expression, sending a ripple of life through my body. She joyfully ran towards me embracing me ever so gracefully, and then came the question I was dreading from her lips…

”Mama, where is daddy?”

The words punched me again, making me want to run out of the house—but I didn’t….I…I couldn’t. I swallowed knowing that I was already acting weird enough. I slowly opened my lips, and painfully stumbled out,” Daddy won’t be eating dinner with us tonight, but don’t worry little one, we will find something fun to do.“

”When will he be back?” I looked into her eyes, my heart broke when I heard her sad tone, and her bright expression turn cold.

“I don’t know honey, but come to the kitchen, I am sure Maria cooked something special for dinner. Isn’t that right Maria?” The maid called out into the room,“ But off course missis, I do hope you enjoy this meal.”

I slowly shuffled Venessa and I into the dining room. Sitting her down, I smiled, delighted at the wonderful home cooked meal laid out on the old table. I sat down at the table after seating Venessa, and wondered how I was going to break the news to my sweet, perfect, little girl.

—

Many days passed by smoothly without me bringing it up. I couldn’t upset her, she is the only one at this point, that I have left. Slowly, my thoughts were rearranging, and my chest rose and fell much lighter than before. It pained me to think, but it was better that he had…um…left.

Venessa and I hung out that day, playing in the garden. She would hunt for the garden snakes that would often crawl in the crevices of the corroding bricks, and I would pull weeds trying to safe the old plants. We do this often, a few times a month when there is good weather. Although many would consider it boring or even tedious work, Venessa and I have always enjoyed each others company.

Anyway… that day our maid was out on a grocery run and of course my husband wasn’t there, but we had company. A blue Cadillac, you know one of them older cars, it had pulled into the driveway. Three men had exited the car and started for the porch till I called out.

“ Hello! Hello Gentlemen, is there something that I can help you fellas with?” The first man responded with an expression of confusion.

“ I’m sorry we must be at the wrong address, do you live here, we are looking for a Michel Barter?” I stood up and walked over to the gentlemen to finish the conversation without spoiling anything with Venessa.

“ Yes Sir, I live her and that man is my husband however, I am afraid you won’t be able to reach him today.”

“It‘s very important that we see your husband ma’am is there a chance of him being her later? We can wait or come by in a bit.”

“ Look gentlemen, you best leave because unless you can call up Hades I’m afraid you not going to be able to reach my husband, EVER!” I looked straight into the gentlemen’s eyes as they slowly understood the words I was trying to send in code-ish.

“ You mean to tell me ma’am that your husband is DEAD!” I looked back and seeing Venessa still distracted in the garden I proceeded.

“Yes. He pasted just last Sunday. Now is there any other business you need to attend to?”

“No ma’am, we shall be on our way, my condolences.” The three men tipped their hats and slowly made the way back to their vehicle, but all the while they were watching my baby girl play in the garden. My stomach felt uneasy and I called for Venessa to come back inside—something wasn’t right and I just wanted to keep inside, at least until the maid came back.”