Soaked

I can't be more sure than this. A person like me doesn't belong in the clear and sunny skies. It doesn't suit me, even if I prayed for that to change. Even if I begged every morning and every night, and honestly I do, the facts are written in stone. I belong in what's cold and destructing. In the rain, there's a reflection of me.

That's why I opened myself up to it. In front of human faces, I've been betrayed and eventually betrayed again. It made it so easy to be sarcastic and distanced, and I like to say I have reason for it, unlike some others do, especially Carmine whose leading himself a perfect life, but once I want anything but that, it's forbidden to be touched.

I was an open book under the pouring sky, because it's all that would ever understand someone like me in this mad world. The world that's been angry at me all my life, and I recognized that at too young of an age. It made me just as frustrated right back at it.

My mind might've been trapped by the bruising and scourging inside of my chest, but my feet were as free as every droplet from the heavens, and my arms were out wild without anything to stop them. They were my only chance — my one chance to break free from what was destroying me. Carmine Jung was my impossible and this is my way of accepting it. Forwards, backwards, inside and out. I'll accept it.

I let my body move, spinning circles under the gray clouds. I danced like no one was watching. Not the kind that was choreographed and taught, but the kind that was meant to wash your sorrows. The kind that you chased for the buzz that alcohol would give when you didn't have any on hand.

I don't know if anybody's eyes were on me, but it wasn't my priority to figure out. I danced until my wish to disappear couldn't get the best of me, and until I saw it clearly that I had a life I couldn't run from — because wherever I'd go I'd be taking myself with. I danced until the shivers that made the hair on my skin stand up were more powerful than any of my moves, and until I couldn't put my head anywhere else besides how much I craved for warmth.

This was something I was never allowed to do before, but something I always wanted. I thought it'd make you feel on top of the world to let yourself go out in the open air, but the reality is, it couldn't get more depressing, and it couldn't make you feel any smaller. At least, in a situation that your heart was more involved in making you fall than giving your veins blood.

"Hey! Carolina! How could you? I worked so hard on your hair and your make up and you let it go to waste these last minutes? How long did you think you were going to last out here? I haven't seen you since—." Camdyn's discreet-whispering voice, stopped me in my tracks like I've been caught doing something wrong, and his voice stopped in the same style when he thought about how long I've been gone. I was right. There weren't any eyes on me this entire time. Except his. He followed me at some point. "I haven't seen you since the kissing scene. You don't happen to be jealous, girly. Are you?"

My heart dropped to my stomach, and my stomach dropped to the floor, but I wasn't going to let him know. "What are you expecting me to tell you? How would you notice when I left if you're in the middle of your job? Don't kid yourself." I said, agitated. The thing is, it came out lightly through my chattering teeth with the freezing temperatures I've thrown at myself and he couldn't help but to find it amusing. He could probably see through me anyway, but it made it easier for him.

"You didn't think that—." Carmine refused to finish his sentence, but I knew exactly what he would say. You didn't think that I could like someone like you, did you? There wasn't anything else that it could be.

It was a blank that took one step to fill in, one that was common sense, but that was nails on a chalkboard, to my insides, instead of the ears. With every part of him, he was screaming 'I don't love you, not like that', or maybe, not in any way at all.

He didn't say it out loud, but I heard it. In bold, underlined, and in italics, he couldn't write it out more clear. It was written blue, in sadness, and in rejection, but the worst of anything out there, it was written in red. The color that I've had evidence, proof and more, to hate.

When I thought I couldn't despise it more, it gave me reason to. It pushed me away, maximizing our distance by hundreds of times, thousands, or possibly billions. It was less than the friend zone.

I could feel each and every one of my cells die one at a time. My bones were shattering within me like a rock against the most fragile of glass. I knew if I would let myself take even a step in whatever direction, I'd break, and eventually I did, because it's not like you can stay still forever. The world keeps spinning and you can't hold back on joining it whether it's too fast for you or not.

"I-is your soulmate out there? Do you already know who she is? Have you already found that person?" It slipped off my tongue cautiously. I never felt like crawling into a box and hiding in there for the rest of my life, and that says a lot, because that was a lifestyle for me that I couldn't say I loved. Yet here I am, not minding if it swallowed me back up. I'm getting shyer. I overthought everything I wanted to say.

"Is that in line for you to ask? I don't think that's your business. Or if it is, it's not something I have to admit." Carmine stared at me dumbfounded, his fingers massaging his temples. He didn't look anywhere else. His hair was as wet as mine, and I swallowed the fact that he'd seen me out here for way longer than I could've guessed. "Why? Are you okay with me asking about who you want your soulmate to be?"

"I don't think you'll struggle to figure it out. I think you already know about it." I was indirect with my answer. My toes curled into the cement by the small information I have away. Once I let them free, I wished that I could suck them back into my mouth, but like arrows shot from their bows, there wasn't any turning back once they were out.

"I'm sorry." Carmine's eyes were on his shoes. He avoided contact with me at whatever cost it took him, but when he did look back up at me I preferred that he didn't. A smile was at his lips. I could feel his apology at the back of my throat, that I choked myself up on it. His happiness made it harder to digest. "Maybe the reason you haven't found the right soulmate is because you don't have a soul. It's better if you head a different direction. You're lost."

"That JV Kim character of yours. You gotta learn from him. At least he gave a girl a chance that might not amount to as much as he did. Your standards are unjust." It was stupid to say. I know darn well that his standards aren't unfair for him. They were unfair to me, because I wanted too much than I was allowed to have, but his standards weren't mine to make. I couldn't be the creator of his rules and his outlook on life and on love. I didn't mean what I said. I couldn't, but he sat here testing me and I couldn't stand the pressure.

He didn't respond. He did nod a couple times but that's all I got out of him, and he didn't explain anything for or against me. I couldn't go off at him because he didn't yell at me, and I didn't like that. I wanted a reason to argue. A reason to shout at the world that was always on the other team, and a reason to give the world a face I could be pissed at.

Using the silence as a transition to change the topic, only then did he speak up. "Let me touch up your make up. We're going to be here a whole lot longer and we can't risk you getting caught."

I held my breath, following him back out to the car we arrived in without a choice.

Please let me go home and hide from what is real. I need a break and I need it soon, or I'm gonna crack so much worse you can't see any other side. Let a girl rest.

Rejection shakes you up more than you could have imagined.

******

My hair dried frizzing up in every direction because of the rain, but with a luscious thickness it made my neck hot. Thanks to Carmine dazzling the heck out of it, it became a form I wasn't used to, styled more in the way everyone else's naturally fell.

The actors, actresses, and the powers behind the cameras were on their last break before heading home. I was lodged up in the corner of the room, watching as everyone slowly sipped at their coffees to warm up their frozen fingers. The table I sat alone at made it tempting to carelessly launch my feet up there, but I fought the urge, as they tapped the tiled floor instead.

I feel absolutely drained. Being around people I didn't necessarily end up communicating with sucked away all of my energy like some sort of vacuum. That's just the way I was, I guess, and it made me long to find a place where I couldn't see another person breathe, at least for a few minutes.

Carmine was one table over. He sat with one of the workers from behind the scenes, and one from the group of visitors that I had pushed through earlier in the day. The room was relatively quiet, and none of his table contributed to it being any different. They were each looking down at their phones, no expressions on their faces whatsoever. They seemed bored out of their minds and they were certainly boring to watch. Intimidating in that sense, somehow.

Their tiresome faces didn't last long. "Carmine, Sir. Isn't your mom Connie Jung? The president's secretary?" The question came out of one of the boys, but they were both looking down at the table I couldn't tell whose lips began moving. What I could see is Carmine's alarmed, but curious face.

"Yeah, why?" He asked, looking up from the small rectangle in his hands. The visitor-boy turned his phone horizontally, as he scooted his seat over to present Carmine with what he had found. I listened in from a far, to focus more on it than the slight chatters from the others. It was a video.

"We are back with updates of a helper to the government and president, Connie Jung. As of yesterday afternoon, files of a low scan score below the markings of 100, belonging to a girl by the name of Arizona Yu, early twenties, has been found on the secretary's laptop during an official meeting. The woman is under fire for supposedly being the source of the illegal's survival. There have been no updates on her whereabouts. Police are further investigating the matter, but until additional evidence is collected, her scan score and her history cannot he revealed. Tune in next time for additional detai—."

I swallowed my spit. The boy didn't pay any attention to me, and he didn't seem to notice that I was the face on his screen just a few seconds ago. Mud was scraped against my face from the night that Connie and Carmine first found me, so it was a product of the very scan score they were talking about. It felt wrong to breathe at this moment, but hard to steady my panting. It's as if people would look down on me for that and that stressed me out, making my breathing heavier. How ironic.

Carmine's thumbs went frantic on his keyboard. The visitor-boy returned his phone to its vertical position, as it was before, as he glanced at the actor, who was trying his hardest to keep a neutral expression. "Did you know about this Carmine? Your mom is part of the government, and we're supposed to be able to trust her! But look at this! She's saving people that don't need it! That shouldn't deserve it!"

"Look, her government stuff is never to do with me." Carmine responded. He cleared his name of any wrong he could from the beginning. It sent chills down my spine even though it shouldn't, because the wrong he was clearing his name of was me and I was sitting in the same room as him. If he said otherwise, it'd be more dangerous for both of us. "But, I do think people are kind of messed up. What'd this girl ever do to deserve her own blood to be shed? There's criminals with 100 all across the board that have done much much worse. Why are we making beauty so important? She's trying to live like everyone else. She has a heart too."

That felt good. It felt like a shield was in front of me deflecting the worst of the bullets, but of course, there's always those few that can make their way in, no matter how much you're shielded.

"Are you being serious with that?" The boy answered. By his tone, he obviously disagreed. "Don't you remember the history books? Humans don't know how to embrace differences. It's better if we don't have any at all. It's for the sake of everyone's peace. A girl below the rank alive? It'll put everything into chaos."

"Then why haven't we learned how to embrace them? Don't you think we were originally created different for a reason?" Carmine retorted, as he stood up. The cheery talking of the room clearly heard about the news themselves by media updates and the entire room was murmuring against him. He was uncomfortable, and he took his leave as fast as he could. "Thanks everyone for today, but I have to head out."

When he reached the doorframe, he found my eyes amongst everyones. He didn't say a word, but just looking at him I knew exactly what was wrong. His mom must've just told him, warning him before this could get worse.

We couldn't go back home until later tonight at the earliest, because the officials found his house and they were looking for me. They'd search to as many extremes as they needed to until I was found.

At the same time, we couldn't be here.

I left the room to follow him, quietly, so that nobody would notice. As much as I wanted to avoid him for what he couldn't give to me, I had to cling to him for what he could.

He's the only one nearby that with whatever intention, wants me alive. The only one I could rely on.