Can't Lie

"What is the password to your laptop then anyway?" I asked without even a slight amount of shame as Carmine pulled out from his driveway. I never really understood it myself, to the extent they show it in the movies, but it's true, a man reversing his car brings so much sexual tension, being a woman in the passenger seat, and it's not that I wanted to shout that from the top of my lungs if he got just one look at my eyes this dandy Tuesday morning. Some things are better kept as secrets.

He kept as focused as he was as he backed out, but it didn't disturb him from giving me a sarcastic response. He was a professional at this, and it showed. Nothing really got in his way. We were on the road in no time. "Wow. You can ask so simply without a regret? Like my personal belongings are yours too?"

"Says the one who called me a fake fan for putting in the wrong password, that I'm starting to think wasn't wrong all along since the laptops were switched, and says the one that promised me that my scan score wouldn't get in the wrong hands but look where we are now. I could be so pissed at you right now you know? But look at me containing myself like a whole dang adult. Be thankful." I faced out of my window, refusing to give him any sort of eye contact. I took in the sceneries of the place I've lived my whole life, but that I've never once saw, and I was only allowed out if I became a whole catfish. Stupid how the world works.

Carmine scoffed when he took a right turn. "You're quite the guilt-tripper, Tennessee." His fingers held tighter to the wheel for just a moment. It was an emotion that I couldn't read otherwise, and one that vanished as soon as it came. "Look, I know I haven't shown it, but I am sorry. Really. For making this worse. I didn't expect it to end up this way, but at the same time, I think this can turn out for the better. I'm involved in it as much as you are now so it's not like you're by yourself."

Something about his mom's call from yesterday was softening him. It made him more considerate, and more kind, and as much as I wished for it before, I started to see myself less and less in him. Because I've never been considerate or kind, and when I am, it's for my own selfish reasons. "To see is to believe. If you prove that to me then I won't be able to argue with you." I answered him. I gave him a glance.

His hair blew back from the speed of the car bringing wind to it, and it exposed his forehead. It gave him an entirely new personality every time it did. He's so difficult not to stare at. God took this masterpiece seriously. More seriously than any other one out there, and that left me time and time again to use some sort of strategy so that he wouldn't notice I had that kind of trouble. "Just tell me your password. You owe it to me!" I shouted at him. This was my strategy this time.

"How is it gonna do you any good? We don't even have the laptop with your scan score so it's not like you'll be able to see it."

"It's your punishment for screwing crap up. You had one job and you messed it up. If you know I can't get into anything then how is it hurting you? I just wanna know if I was right or wrong."

"Fine, fine. It's my birthdate. Basic." Carmine gave up holding back that truth. He had a look in his eye that doubted I could possibly have been someone to admire him for so many years, and his question proved it. "Do you actually know what it is?"

"July 12th, ho. I've known that for years. That's the password I entered." I sassed, with a flip of my hair that landed at the base of my neck. "There's the proof I'm not a fake. That's all I wanted. Goodness, Carmine."

"I'm surprised. You don't act like one of my fans." He had one hand on the wheel when he on instinct scratched at his hairline because of my answer he didn't expect, but it returned to two has he parked into a spot that was furthest from the building we arrived at. I could tell he was getting a bit panicky but he held most of it inside and he was doing a good job at it. Appearing here with me, a girl that shouldn't exist, was new for all of us.

He put a black cap onto my head, that was decorated with silver gems, with the bill too far down that I couldn't see. I positioned it in a better spot. "What was that fo—?" I began, when I regained my sight.

He didn't intend to allow me to finish. "It's supposed to rain today, so don't let your make-up smear in case it does. Visitors that come on set have to sign in at the door on the right. You can write that I'm who invited you as a lucky fan, because that is what you are, no? You can write the proper date, you can write what time you came in — that's all fine. Please, don't write you real name and don't feel the need to explain anything to anyone if they ask about it. It's not their business."

"Then what am I supposed to put?" I asked, playing with the lock on the car door. He would lock it automatically from his side, every time I unlocked it, so I couldn't think to run off while he was still talking. He didn't know, but I didn't want to. Not if I didn't see him go in first.

"I don't know. 'Anonymous girl'? Anything as long as it's not your Ohio-something name." He tapped my shoulder twice. If it was supposed to be reassuring, it wasn't at all. It seemed I stole all of his anxiousness, but there's nothing I could do about that. He stepped out of the car, revealing only his back to me until he entered on the left side of the building. Where all the actors and actresses must head at this set for practice and touch-ups. Then he revealed nothing. He was gone from as far as my eyes could see.

"If that's the case, let's kill this, 'Anonymous girl'." I tried to hype myself up, as I went in the opposite entrance, waiting until we would meet again out back. Of course, from a distance because I was in the crowd, and he was in front of cameras. In a way, it's always been like that. Some things really don't change.

But everything around it does.

*******

People were huddled together before the set, admiring the iconic couple that'll be sweeping all the awards this year at the upcoming ceremony. It wasn't even released yet, but I'm sure every single one of them knew how famous of a story this movie would become.

They all supported each other for warmth in the cold weather, and I was off to the side, too shy to get any closer to the onlookers who acted like they knew each other their whole lives. The good thing is, they haven't called me out for being less than 100. They didn't notice.

Nica and Carmine appeared to be in position, awaiting their cue to get into it, and soon enough it came. I was too in awe to listen intently to the scene they were carrying out, because as beautiful as Nica is, photos don't do her justice. She's so much more stunning in person. And it's not like I just want to say that about her, but I had to. It's a fact that nobody could deny. If I stood next to her, I wouldn't stand a chance.

Everyone stood a chance standing by me. Nobody stood a chance beside her. We are far from the same.

I peeked over the crowd by the strength in my toes. Naturally, that's how humans are. With their "me-first" attitudes they want to push through everyone and make sure they get a better view for themselves even if that means nobody else could see. I didn't feel like pushing through anyone, so it's by jumps and hops that I could catch any sight of the acting duo.

"You're a brave man, JV Kim. You can take everything back like it meant nothing. Are you going to allow me to do the same thing?"

My breath hitched in my throat when I overheard Nica's voice. Amongst the fangirl-ing of the crowd, I could still focus only on her. I wished that their screams could pierce my ears instead because I'm certain it couldn't compare to how much her voice would pierce me. She spoke the same words that I did, that I could remember so boldly in the back of my head, like it happened just a few seconds ago.

I didn't know it, but I've been living life since then trying to make those words mine when they never were. They weren't either of ours. It was a line of several in a script, but they were more hers than they would ever belong to me. That's what happens when you let your heart expect too much. It makes you sick. It makes you numb. It makes you ache.

"I hate you because now every time I look up at the moon that you created as a symbol for us," she went on with her lines her eyes and Carmine's lined up like puzzle pieces, and I prayed that there was even one bone in my body that was allowed to hate her, to despise her, and wish the worst for her but I knew the truth wasn't like that. What was true, is the two of them kissing, I didn't want to see, and that's how this scene would seal regardless of how I wanted it. Because just like yesterday and every single day that came before it, I wasn't important enough to tweak things for. I was stupid to feel like this.

"I'll think about how it has to carry the darkness all by itself." I mouthed the words she continued to say, a tear down my cheek like the first time as I found that selfishness in me like the others have had to push my way through to the front. I wanted nothing more but to deny their chemistry, but what was there to deny? I've shipped them for years because the evidence was everywhere even before they were co-stars. They're meant to be. Work or not, they're meant to be.

How could my heart dare to beat for someone who it couldn't sync with? The melodies behind people's chests that I've known either stop and never play again, or don't blend well enough with mine. Carmine and I, we're music at a difference pace, a difference sound, a different vibration, and we competed with each other more than we could compliment. It's messy, and unwanted. Unlovable.

Nica cried on behalf of her character, but her beauty shined through any sadness that taped to her face. No matter what she'd do, she always looked so elegant, dainty, exquisite, delightful — there wasn't a negative word to describe her.

They've done this scene countless amounts of times, but when their eyes brushed passed each other, they locked on one another's like it was the first time and the last within a moment. Just as longingly, just as hopeful, just as in love as they've always been.

None of that ever went away, and everyone watching them knew that they could live in that scene everlastingly without a fit. If the director would complain to start from the top, they'd look back at each other with a glimmer in their eyes and be thankful they'd be able to taste each other again for everyone to see what their story beheld. I can tell.

Their lips came to meet each other, and my muscles clamped together, almost unwilling to keep me standing. This was the part I didn't make it to. The part that fate said I wasn't meant to steal from someone who must be happy with somebody else. That's why he's made it to that point with her millions of times and once more, when I couldn't have a taste at all. I couldn't bare to watch. I didn't want to accept something that unexpectedly made my chest feel empty by one snap of the fingers.

I ran away. Far from where I could be seen, heard, or my presence could be felt. Rain was pouring outside, soaking the ends of my hair, and covering my body until the clothes stuck stubbornly to my skin. On the middle of the sidewalk, I let myself go. Free of any thoughts besides how cold the water was that dribbled down formed goosebumps.

Soon enough, the kiss that wasn't meant to be a weapon against me and should never have stung me as much as it did, would linger like a stain that wouldn't come out, and I had to take advantage of every little thing that would send it away. Even if it was more temporary than temporary could mean.

I'm sorry that I love you, Carmine Jung. I'm sorry because I'm not pretty enough of a person, nor am I happy enough of a person, nor am I successful in any sense to be allowed to love you. I could walk by blooming flowers and they'd wither away all because of me. I'm a poison inside and out, and don't have any reason to boast or any card to play to grab your attention, but I think I do. I really love you.

No, I know I do and I didn't do it on purpose. It was accidental. It was so unplanned that I've surprised myself, but I can't live in a lie. I can't pretend that I don't.

Why would Carmine teach me step by step how to fall in love with him, but not how to stop? It'll kill a woman, that deceptive power technique of his. All of the sudden, without realizing, I'm putting reliance on something that doesn't help me and that never will.

That's not up for debate. That, my friend, is a certainty.

The girl that's not worth enough to love is in love.