Snapshots

September 2010.

We walked alone in Leederville. Rori was drunk. I don’t think she’s ever been drunk before. The last glimmers of rain on the pavement are lit up by the streetlights, and I felt like we were walking through a dreamscape. All down Vincent Street we joked about how grown-up it felt to get free wine at a gallery opening without getting asked for our IDs. Such rebels. To be fair, we were practically adults anyway. My sister turned a blind-eye, she was cool like that. Thanked us both for coming, Rori asked her about the photograph of the cowboy dressed in blue.

‘Cowboys get blue sometimes.’ My sister thought that was enough. Rori nodded profoundly.

The street was still, the evening crowds all turned in for the night and Greens had closed up. We’d had a coffee there earlier that day. It was our place. We paused at the corner, waiting across the road from Luna. Rori grabbed my hand before the light turned green.

‘I don’t need you crossing the street without me! If one of us gets run over, we both get run over.’

That was the most romantic thing I had ever heard. Rori looked back at me with the most gorgeous lopsided smile, before laughing as I pulled her into a hug. She was so warm in her brown overcoat. The coat looked incredible on her. It worked perfectly with her shaggy hair. Earlier that night, Rori kept asking me what she should wear, and all I could say was she looked good in everything.

‘You’re not helpful.’

Finally letting go of the hug, we continued up the street, hand in hand. Outside my house, we stopped again as Rori pulls me into an enormous hug. It was just the two of us. The lone street light lit up the path, but we kept under the shadows of the trees.

‘I just want to spend the rest of the night, just with us. You know?’ She whispered.

‘I wish we could! My parents will kill us if we stay out.’

I buried my face in her hair and all I could focus on was the smell of her hair. It reminded me of the beach and the ocean.

She gently nudged me back, as we relaxed the hug, before she lent forward and kissed me. It was so brief I barely noticed it. I was in a state of shock. She smiled awkwardly at me before we kissed again. I’d had kisses before, but not like this, a real proper kiss.

I didn’t want to kiss anyone else but Rori ever again.

December 2010.

Mum asked if I was coming down for dinner tonight, for a change. My headphones were in, but I’m not really listening to anything. Everyone who said music helps when you’re feeling shattered was lying. I didn’t want to feel anything. Mum gently removed my headphones.

‘We could invite Rori over?’

That stung. I knew she didn’t realise what a mistake that was, but in that moment it didn’t matter. The hurt became overwhelming. Feelings suck.

August 2011.

I kept looking at the message, no idea how to respond. It was only mildly triggering. We had not spoken in forever. I knew she was studying art or something. But here she was messaging me again, like a ghost coming up on my Facebook. I psyched myself up. My hands shook as I typed my reply.

‘Hey.’

June 2014.

We hadn’t seen each other since Rori had gotten back from Berlin. It felt pretentious to even think about her over there, drinking in the art and culture. Going out clubbing was probably an art-form. We had talked, but it was sporadic, time zones and all. What was there to say? I dropped out of uni. I was still single. Rori was still seeing Zoe, at least going by Facebook. Not that I was jealous or anything.

We settled on pizza for dinner, proper American-style pizzas. The place was an underground dive bar, pure rock n roll. I loved it. When I saw her walking down the stairs it felt like no time had passed at all. Rori pulled me in for a hug, and it was the most comforting feeling in the world. She smelled the same, like the ocean. Strong, safe and familiar. Her shaggy haircut was no more, replaced by a short fade and an epic fringe. The brown complimented by some blonde and a scarlet red. She looked like she had a sunset over her face.

‘You are an actual piece of art now.’

‘When in Rome, you know? Literally, I was in Rome and really wanted to just celebrate it.’

I laughed. Of course Rori would be so dramatic.

‘You are so extra!’

We chatted, the usual casual banter, I was evasive about uni and whether I’d been seeing anyone. How do you tell your ex that you hadn’t seen anyone since them? Especially when you know she ran off to Europe with someone else.

‘How’s Zoe?’

It was Rori’s turn to be evasive.

‘Messy, like honestly, I don’t even know where to begin. Just fine, I guess?’

I struggled to hold back my smile. I never liked Zo. She was fine, sometimes. But if she had ever found I used to date Rori, I would’ve been excommunicated.

‘I’m sorry to hear that.’ I finally said, diplomatically. Rori laughed, and she looked like herself. Cheeky and a massive dork.

‘No, you’re not. You could barely stand her. Honestly, the big thing wasn’t even her, it was her parents. You could see the visceral discomfort whenever I went to stay with them or when we were on a holiday. They wanted her to be bringing home a nice boy.’

I instinctively grabbed her hand at this.

‘I’m sorry.’

Rori smiled as she gently pulled her hand away from mine.

We let the silence hang around, a natural pause and reflection. Finally, she looked at me a little awkward and asked.

‘I never apologised to you about leavers, did I?’

I was stunned. I never thought we would go there. It wasn’t cheating, but it hurt. We had barely broken up, and she had brought someone else over. I hated how jealous I felt when I saw the two of them making out.

‘It’s fine, water under the bridge.’ I lied.

‘No, but seriously, when you said you wanted some space, I just did not handle that at all. It was heartbreaking, I was struggling and after all we had been through, it felt like a rejection. I was just struggling for any kind of attention.’

‘I never. Like, I was scared. It was all new and honestly the most amazing thing ever, but I was struggling. Mentally I was a mess, I could not get a handle on school, I just needed space. I didn’t mean it to be permanent, you know?’

I tried to look Rori in the eye. As if it was water under the bridge. She touched my hand, briefly but affectionately, before she pulled back.

‘If only we could have figured out how to talk about things, then! What could have been?’

May 2015.

I hated my birthday. Trying to get my parents to place nice for one dinner. And it never seemed to work with my friends. There was always some drama going on that meant the night was going to end in disaster. Must be the time of year.

This year was different. It was just going to be me and Rori. We had caught up infrequently, whenever she was in town. It was nice, being in each other’s lives. She had kinda stopped seeing Zoe, not that I cared. We didn’t really talk about what it meant. I was going to wear something special tonight, the black leather jacket I wore on our first date. I thought I was so grown-up back then. She had said it was cute. It still fit me. It felt like a nice throwback. I checked my phone. Multiple texts, never a good sign.

‘Hey, I’m really sorry! But tonight-’

Like I said, I hated my birthday.

October 2019.

Aly loved weddings. I supposed I shouldn’t be cynical. They were my friends getting married, after all. But she was the one getting caught up in the emotion of it all, and I just felt like I was her plus one. Maybe it was the crowds, and growing up in a family where everyone ended up divorced at some stage. It would make you feel a little cynical, but I didn’t want to ruin her day. We wore matching suits, which I adored. Her hair is a gorgeous pixie cut and honestly, she is the best looking person here, not that I am biased or anything.

The ceremony passed in a flash, and we were at the reception. And there’s Rori. It had been years since we last saw each other. She flew back to Europe, and gradually we lost contact.

She caught my eye and smiled. A slightly crooked smile, teeth showing from between her cherry black lips. A proper Rori smile. She waved me over. I pulled Aly with me, our hands firmly clasped together.

‘How long have you been back in town for?’ I asked Rori after the brief hug and introductions.

‘Just the wedding, really. I’m in Melbourne now, mostly.’

‘Oh lovely, how do you find it compare to here?’ Aly asked her.

‘Well everywhere is different. But just there’s a bit more culture and arts around, it doesn’t feel so closed as the scene can get here.’

‘Are you working in the arts, then?’ I asked. Rori laughed awkwardly.

‘Just admin with some event companies, foot in the door. Is your sister still doing photography?’

I smiled, remembering her exhibitions.

‘Not as much. She got into teaching. She’s happy.’

‘Well, that’s the goal.’

Aly left us to go mingle. She had little time for our reminiscing.

‘And you and Aly?’

‘Honestly, I’m amazed at how well it’s going! Online dating is just a nightmare and so performative. But then she came around and messaged about gothic fiction and how underrated it is. Actual essays and I’m just down for that. Anyone with a passion. She wears her heart on her sleeve.’

‘Not like you at all then.’

‘I mean, you’re not wrong. No, I guess she makes me want to be open and fun and talking to everyone at all the parties.’

‘Which is why you’re sitting in the corner with me.’

Rori gave me an affectionate shove. Her hand lingered on my shoulder for a fraction longer than it needed to. I ignored the touch, my thoughts still on Aly.

‘I guess old habits die hard,’ I finally replied.

Rori fidgeted around. I gave her space to figure out what she wanted to say while I watched Aly move on the dance floor.

‘Do you ever regret how things went with us?’ Rori asked me finally. I turned, surprised by the question. She had looked away again in discomfort, eager to move on from the moment.

‘I used to. I felt hurt by what happened for a very long time, and it was hard even talking to you. And then for ages I feel like I was just holding on to some hope that maybe we’d find our way back to each other. But after a while, that changed, and every time we talked, that seemed to grow fainter. And I started seeing who we were now? It’s like there was an echo of you, in my mind, that I had floating around, telling me what things might be like. And then there was actual you, Rori, an actual person. Eventually the echo just got fainter and didn’t really matter.’

Rori nodded at this. She paused, I wondered if she would reply. Rori touched my hand. The silence was deafening.