Slippity Sloppity the Dough Monster is Gloppity

An oowey gooey place this world has become. Snakes and pineapples are friends.

The world ended in 2020 after U2 was discovered performing a secret concert on the Epstein Island. Folks like J Lo, Jimmy Dean (yes, the sausage man), and even motherfuckin’ Kenny G attended the event. There were rumors of Justin Bieber having thumb wars with Donald Trump behind the stage, but no one got any evidence of it so people kind of left that alone.

Anyway, a lot of people on the left were pissed they didn’t get an invite and people on the right seemed to be upset about the event taking place on a pedophiles island, and well for me, well I’m just one of those lucky guys who survived “The Explosion” and gets to live and write about it for the next generation of humans that whole foods have been growing in their “Crops”. The Russians heard of this event and began threatening us but we all just sort of laughed and stuffed our faces with dough and goo.

To understand the state of the world today you must understand the thing that killed us...” The Explosion”.

Ever hear of a man by the name Guy Ferrari? Well, one day this man ate a croissant, but this croissant wasn’t just any croissant. This was a little thing the Russians liked to call a “Heart Shaped Locket”. AKA this was their plan to destroy The United States of America.

They had developed a bomb in the exact size, shape, and texture of a croissant and installed a timer to the exact second so that once Guy Ferrari landed back home in the states after his little filming trip in Russia it would nuke the entire fucking country. We think they may have gotten this type of technology from some sort of alien intelligence. Little did Russia know, but Guy Ferrari would go on to eat 52 of these “Heart Shaped Locket” croissants, and when he landed, not only did LAX and the rest of the United States explode but so did every bit of the entire world except for Boise Idaho where I sat then and where I still sit today.

Me and my two goldfish, Sam and Alex are their names, and the rest of the population of Boise have been sitting like ducks since then. We also have no idea how but Whole Foods also survived and has been harvesting new human beans here in these big ole crops in eggs that some how resemble Jeff Bezos left nut. The only problem is these magic beans won’t blossom for about 200 years so I’ll be dead and gone by then, which really don’t matter anyhow cause I don’t wanna see those freaks and the little circus this place will be by then. Because of these little demons, us living humans now really have no purpose or use and the only thing we’ve got to eat is peanuts. This has been causing all the obese to die off which is probably a good thing because all they do is bitch and moan about how they are hungry, and sweaty, and are one-footed, and tired, and I don’t wanna hear about that shit for the rest of my time alive on this shit ball.

We still got a little booze left so I’ve been gettin’ real drunk and practicing my Spanish. I also have a few Pilates tapes for the VHS I slide in and work out, sometimes I’ll rub off once or twice to them usually on the 1st Wednesday of each mo0nth for that’s the day they used to test the tornado sirens on. I miss those days and I miss the bitch I was seeing. She was in Miami when the explosion happened and I imagine her squirrel and her tits blew up into bits and nibbles, or should I say Nipples! Ok, no more jokes...I’m lonely and that truly ain’t a joking matter. Mama used to always say loneliness will kill a man, I discovered that so will writing.

At night, if you're quiet enough, you can hear the snakes and the pineapples prancing around outside in the crops and fields and I just don’t trust those little bastards. I know they are going to kill me and the rest of these goddamn hillbillies that are still thumping and beating.

HIPPITY HOPPITY IF YOU’RE READING THIS JUST STOPPIDY

This is an important message from the FBI. We have confiscated this document and the man who wrote it was murdered with a tiny sword by 2 snakes and 1 very dangerous pineapple. Reading this document will result in a very lethal experience where we all sit in a big circle and watch you eat a heart-shaped locket croissant, point, and laugh, and gamble on your human emotions. You will be sent out into the nuclear wasteland to burn, bubble, and eventually explode. Do NOT test us you little bitch.

PS - We have and always will know everything.

Yours truly,

FBI