sliced.

I don’t remember much from the beginning. Things seemed to happen all at once. I was wet and sticky, spinning in an endless spiral. The world around me was limited to the circular view from my bed. I was somewhat growing, and running around was gradually more difficult. Then everything disappeared in a white explosion. That one didn’t make me feel good. Up until that point, my body was capable of dealing with whatever they threw at me. However, everything in me started reacting as soon as the white powder and I touched, and the deeper it got, the more uncomfortable I felt. As if something was growing inside me - like feeling the presence of a parasite spreading, gradually taking over. But I couldn’t stop running to deal with it. Still, more things kept coming. I was processing the last dose when another substance was due, and everything turned dark. Unable to scream or get out, I stopped trying. In the end, I mindlessly wandered in a small circle, unaware of what was going on.

What came next is difficult to describe. Everything was happening so quickly. They rushed me out of bed to a prison of a similar shape, enjoying my confusion and fear. I lost a lot on the way. A part of me did not make it on time, having to be left behind. I still sensed its presence, but it was out of sight. Am I going mad? Feeling the same thing almost simultaneously but in different places – did it all happen to me, but I disassociated myself from it? Recalling it now, I should have enjoyed those feelings of uncomfortable growth and separation because what they brought after was incomparably worse. My distant self went first, and I felt the pain. The extreme heat against its will engulfed the whole being. I wanted to cry and run again, encouraged by the lower edges of my cell. But, as if they predicted my actions, the walls were too slippery for me to climb over. Only a few attempts before it was my turn. The new environment made it difficult to breathe - a wave of heat burned the inside of me with each inhale, pushing me harder towards freedom and killing me at the same time. By the end, I got so close I was almost able to peek out. But then it stopped. Teased by a cruel game master, my body froze in the mids of the hell, unable to go either way. Stiff and somewhat numb, I became inert to the heat and helplessly watched the skewer diving into me. The fear took the pain away. Nothing was as terrifying as the image of the future I was yet to comprehend. It must have been the second time I gave up.

Now, everything is quiet. They just freed me from the round prison knowing, that all I can do is lay on my back and stare at the ceiling. I try to ignore the separation from my other half situated further away. We are in a sterile-looking environment, and it scares me how little of my surroundings I can identify. Most of the utensils and furniture are unfamiliar as much as the layout of the room does ring no bells at all. Time passes, and nothing is happening, yet the scenery is changing - I can see less and less. The opaque layer doesn’t appear to be as close and far from physical, unlike the darkness, I experienced before. This one is swallowing everything. However, before the frightening vail gets to me, the room lights up, and we are not alone anymore. Trying to hide and barely breathing, I wish to be invisible. Perhaps they aren’t as interested as I thought they might be – only one person came to look at me, leaving the room with others shortly after disappearing from my view.

The space is almost entirely dark and chilly, but I don’t mind it. Grateful for what I have, and that I am still alive, although huddled in on an uncomfortable metal rack, I try to reach my other self again. Such a weird sensation. I can hear my struggle to construct words from its perspective, but at the same time, I see the confusion, unable to identify the meaning. After all, the only sound I am capable of making is a quiet whistle that fades away too soon. It is scary and frustrating knowing that they want to talk to me too. The rest of the night goes slowly, gradually turning into an uneventful line of silence that stifles my thoughts.

Woken up by the roar of the nearest machine, I almost shrink with fear before realising that I am not involved, although, can sense my world spin vaguely. There also is the heat that appears more like a distant memory that doesn’t belong to me. My vision is melting, and the edges of a bed trapped me once again without me physically being present. More spinning and I am pinned down by a powder that blends shortly - just before suffocating me. I feel sick. There is too much noise, and too many of my senses are split between several situations. Finally, after a while, things slow down. Time stretches, and I sit restless - waiting. Then, my body takes off with the air deafening me briefly before I land again. Shaken and positioned noticeably higher, I catch my breath, evaluating the situation. Relived, I realise that I am almost what I used to be. We are close again. There is still some heating going on in the background, and a tiny part of me wants to run away. But none of that fazes me anymore. The urgency pales under the heavy hat I now have to wear. And although not touching directly, I am complete.

I must have blacked out, and it took the cold to wake me back up – though I would rather stay unconscious than feel the chilling air crawling through my limbs. The scene changed, and despite being illegible for the most part, I see other things that remind me of nothing. This place is much more congested, and it is – again – difficult to breathe. What have they done to me?

Time flew, or perhaps it was merely a brief moment I had to spend in the freezing room before the door opened and they dragged me out. Appreciating the change of environment and the somewhat warmer air, I also notice the number of people staring at me. Their faces seem surprisingly likeable, and I am horrified to be the prey of someone with whom I would gladly be friends. Distracted by the circle they locked me in I fail to notice the knife that appeared above and dived inside my torso with no hesitation. The blade is cutting everything I was hoping to be, destroying all the connections I managed to maintain. Disheartened and surprised, unable to scream or move, I witness my own murder. The second cut is much less painful as my mind wanders off to the empty distance. My thoughts and memories spill into the void after a slice of my body is removed, and I hear laughter. Why? My limited view doesn’t offer many answers. But then one of the faces catches the remains of my attention. An excited-looking woman, holding the missing piece of me. I hear the exhale from her mouth and suddenly see myself through her eyes. To her, it is not a chunk of a body they severed from me. To her, it is merely a piece of chocolate cake. Now understanding, I stop the stream of swears and curses. Is their smile the answer? Perhaps it is. Maybe it is not a cursed world that I was born into, and this moment gives my existence a reason many struggle to find. Is this the first time? It must be. The first time I feel nothing but happy.

Based on a true story. At least a true recipe.

BBC GoodFood - Easy Chocolate Cake by Miriam Nice