Sleepless Night

If ever it happens -

You and I will fulfill all our dreams together

If ever it happens -

You will hear everything without me saying anything

Our paths will also become one then

Your warm touch will be in my hand that day

Why does this world feel incomplete without you today?

Why is the thrill of first love incomplete without you?

That spring spent by your side

And the touch of the web of illusion wrapped in the breath of love -

Still makes me cry every night

If ever this happens

At the beginning of the end, just you and I

I will lose your trust again

You will return again that day

You will say from behind, with your eyes closed, just like before-

Tell me, who am I?

Once again I will be swept away by the flood of your sweet smile

The day these memories are erased,

Maybe my heart will find satisfaction

I know that day the last scene of life will float in my eyes...

Having written this far, Abir closed the diary. Much had been written, but the person for whom so much had happened was becoming someone else's, someone else would write something about him from today on. It wasn't exactly like that, it was an inaudible cry rising from the depths of Abir's broken heart. Maybe a poem about a newly decorated house will be written about him, or a few moments of love wrapped in the same blanket where he will find his heaven in the blue of someone else's eyes...

It's almost 2 am. Abir still can't sleep. The real reason is that despite all the pressure, his mother couldn't get him to swallow his 8 pm medicine. And the mental reason is that Anila's wedding is today.

Ignoring the unbearable pain in his head, Abir sat up in bed. He went to the PC table and opened his laptop. These days, he often does small research on 'Bipolar Disorder'. It doesn't seem to be very useful. Some similar words are pointing fingers at him in the background - "You will have to live with this disease for the rest of your life. With medicine, its existence can be masked for a long time, but once you stop taking the medicine, you are the one who is."

The first time I read Abir's words 'forever', I was scared. Will Anila be able to accept this reality by fighting the whole world single-handedly? Will she have to wait until a son, who had lost 4 years of education due to this disease, is established? This girl, who lost her father, has suffered all her life in her mother's family. Would she want to add to that burden by taking on the burden of a sick son?

These nightmares disappeared in an instant when, one evening, sitting in Rizbee's shop in Dhanmondi, in the half-light and half-shadow, Anila rested her head on Abir's shoulder and said in a simple voice:

"I loved you after knowing everything about you. To me, you are not a soul that has fallen like a dry leaf. To me, you are a proud boy who got a chance by ranking 57th in Finance at Dhaka University. I was fascinated by the young man who wrote the song after listening to it." "I would cut out every article published in the Daily Star and read the same article over and over again, except for the books I read at night."

Yes, Anila considered herself lucky. Maybe she was more in touch with the realm of emotions than reality. That's why she couldn't understand the cruelty of life and the world. Or maybe such cruelty is born at the hands of people like Anila.

Abnormal mental stress is considered a major cause of this disease. Abir was the eldest son of the family, the first child of his parents. He was a man who grew up under the terrible rule of his father since childhood. Whatever share of his mother's affection he had, he was once buried behind the unreasonable chains of his mother, who was afraid of his father. He was a good student, so everyone probably had sky-high expectations around him.

Perhaps even his family members could not understand when expectations had turned him into a prisoner. For a long time, Abir had been harboring resentment towards his father. Over time, that resentment grew into this illness.

When Abir was unable to continue his studies despite repeated re-admissions to the university, when he fell in love with a girl with a low character like Mili and became the envy of his entire circle of friends, when no one in his family had any hope for him anymore. Just then, Anila came to add a touch of color to her black and white life.

-Do you take your medicine at 8 pm?

-No

-Why not?

-I didn't feel like it, so I didn't take it. What's wrong with you?

-I don't have anything. I just have to stay up all night with my baby. I have no problem staying up, but I have to make my baby sing. I know my baby will sing, but my in-laws will wake up when they hear my baby's loud voice - that's where my problem lies...

And Abir had to surrender to Anila's irrefutable(???) arguments.

Sometimes Abir felt that if it weren't for Anila, he would probably be in a mental hospital bed today. Besides, no family is willing to tolerate the sound of vandalism every day. Who would want to keep a boy like that at home, even when his younger sister was taking exams, and his mother had to stay up all night to watch over him.

And now, upon reading the word 'lifetime', a mocking smile appeared on Abir's lips. Anila lost today. Not today, she lost 3 months ago when Abir went to Anila's house on Fuller Road and stood in the scorching sun for 2 hours, and Anila came downstairs and said-

"Go away from here. It is not possible for me to continue this relationship. I cannot cause my mother so much pain." Abir did not say anything that day. Looking at the way Anila left, he thought to himself-

"I didn't ask you to come and make a home in my heart, I didn't want you to be mine. Did you have this ending in mind the day you fell in love with me, blinded by my infatuation?"

Abir closed the laptop and stood in front of his younger sister's room. This was the only person in the house who truly understood him. He was only 17 years old, yet he nodded his head as if he knew everything. He was the first reader of all Abir's songs, poems, and writings.