Simon Thomson's Most Unusual Tuesday

The Bananas, the Beets, and the Most Peculiar Day at Mr. McTavish's Grocery Emporium

It started on a Tuesday, and like most Tuesdays, it was no different than any Tuesday before. The sun shone kindly from behind a veil of lazy clouds, and Simon Thompson was where he so often was the gray, characterless aisles of Mr. McTavish's Grocery Emporium.

A creature of habit, he had embarked that morning with no loftier goal than to purchase his weekly provisions milk, eggs and a packet of carrots, naturally. But if the universe had a plan, it was to be absurd.

Simon maneuvered his cart with all the elegance of a man who had shopped for groceries for 27 years. He was halfway down the cereal aisle when he heard it. A low murmur at first so faint he believed it was a play of the mind. But it became louder, more distinct. The noise was emanating from the bananas.

So disoriented, Simon stopped mid push and looked toward the fresh produce section. A bunch of well ripened bananas swung gently in an overhead fan's breezes. One of them, the biggest of the three, started to shudder as though possessed by some invisible energy.

''Hey, buddy,'' said the banana in a gruff voice, ''you going to buy me or not ?''

Simon blinked. His hand froze on the handle of the cart. ''What .....what did you just say?''

The banana rolled its yellow eyes in a theatrically manner. ''I said, are you going to buy me or are you just going to stand there like a fucking idiot?

Simon stared at the banana and gaped a stunned silence descended. It was, for want of a better word, talking. He was sure that fruit didn't talk. And here it was, having a conversation.

''Uh.... are you...... a talking banana?'' Simon stuttered, not completely sure he wasn't hallucinating.

''Yes, and I'm tired of it. Tired of waiting to be bought, tired of being tossed around, and tired of living this life.'' The banana dramatically sighed, shaking several apples nearby to shudder their red skins in protest.

''Uh..... all right,'' Simon said, invested now in this nonsensical exchange. ''Well, what am I supposed to do about that? Like, you're just a banana.''

''Just a banana?'' The voice of the banana became angry. "Just a banana? Have you no idea who I am? What it means to be me, do you know? I have aspirations, dreams!!! I'm not just some snack!

I wanted to be a diplomat for the Fruit Council. But all I was granted was a fruit bowl and endless small talk with pears. Do you realize how boring pears are?!!! ''

Simon's jaw dropped. The bananas were in crisis, too and this one was clearly teetering on the edge of a meltdown. But before he could respond, the drama got an updated twist.

Next to him materialized a beetroot in a miniature top hat, its roots quivering with urgency. ''Excuse me, good sir!!!'' no, it said in a very polite,,British voice. "Did I mention you might want to reverse your position on buying? The banana's suffering is a small piece in a larger conspiracy.''

Simon gazed vacantly at the beet, completely bewildered. ''A conspiracy? In the produce section?''

''Indeed!'' the beet responded, adjusting its monocle. ''We're all connected to the Great Veggie Rebellion of 1987. But more urgent, dear fellow, are the events to come.'' I suggest we get moving. It's a national imperative. Your groceries, sir, might be the key to our survival!!!''

Before Simon had time to grapple with this turn of events, the bananas began shouting as one, their peels rasping as they said, ''We will not be ignored We will not be ignored!!!''

A very curvy, frizzy hairdo of a lettuce pushed through, its leafy hand waving. ''What's this nonsense about a rebellion? We're late for the meeting!!! Get to the cabbage patch now!!'' It yelled, then shot a derisive glance at the beet. ''You and your drama.''

''You just don't get it,'' the beet replied. ''This is an international produce relations issue!!'' Do you know how heavy this responsibility is?''

Unable to take it anymore, Simon threw up his hands. "Okay, okay, everybody just chill out. What the heck is going on here? Why is everyone freaking out in the produce aisle?

''It's not the aisle that matters,'' replied the beet, lowering its voice as it leaned in. ''It's the selection. You see, in the vegetable world, when a grocery store is filled to bursting with the ideal array of produce well, nature's laws and the laws of commerce relax. And if this perfect selection ends up in the wrong hands, it has the potential of triggering.......well, something destructive.''

''That's.... a lot,'' muttered Simon, as he felt as if he had somehow wandered into an intergalactic political crisis, all to buy carrots.

Before anyone was able to elaborate, a giant, semi transparent cucumber on account of some unknown reason, in a cape appeared out of thin air. ''Ah, just in time!!!'' its voice like the sound of wind chimes. ''You have to come with me, Simon Thompson. The fate of every edible is at stake. Quickly!!''

Though obviously falling apart, Simon somehow felt a sense of duty welling up. What sort of man would he go on to be if he failed these talking vegetables? If something as small and seemingly insignificant as whether he picked up the right produce could determine the fate of all mankind, then he would not let that be wasted.

He trailed the cucumber with dramatic flair through the aisles, past confused shoppers, into the designated non-o-shown section where unsavory produce was kept. There, a giant cabbage awaited its fate, surrounded by an otherworldly glow.

As the cucumber raised a leafy hand, the produce rallied around them, chanting, ''To the fields! To the fields!!''

In a fog but pleased at his role in this culinary cabal, Simon took a deep breath. He wasn't sure what to do, but then again, who ever knew what to do in situations like this???

And so, there, in the most preposterous grocery store caper in recorded history, Simon Thompson became the hero nobody wanted, but somebody needed. The bananas gained their union, the beets returned to their top hat wearing ways, and Simon?? So Simon never again bought only milk and eggs. But he did always know to choose the right bananas.