Silent Love

When my mother said that you were getting engaged to Nazr, I kept quiet. He was my maternal uncle's son. There was nothing wrong with him except that he would quickly become open with everyone. He was playful, but he understood my mood and did not become open with me very quickly. The reason for this could be that I kept my distance from boys. He knew that my parents intended to tie us in marriage since childhood, so he did not do anything that I found unpleasant, although he was always joking and mischievous with everyone else.

After my graduation, my parents planned the engagement ceremony. My mother asked me and, considering my silence as consent, started preparing for the engagement. The engagement took place with great pomp and I took it in a normal manner. I did not object to it and my heart did not burst with joy. Thus, up to the point of engagement, I had calmly accepted this relationship with Nazr. I was unfamiliar with the feeling of love. I didn't even have the feeling of love for Nazr until we got engaged.

After the engagement, in a sense, feelings of respect and honor arose in my heart and I started treating him well, thinking that he would be my future life partner. People might consider love as everything, but I consider respect to be the priority before love. According to me, if someone doesn't care about your respect, then he is not worthy of love. Every person has his temperament and his thoughts. That's just how my temperament was. If Nazr came, I wouldn't go in front of him without a reason. If he was in the kitchen, he would stay there, he would come there himself.

I would greet him, and answer him. I would ask for water or syrup, and give it to him. I would let him talk further because I had younger sisters at home. I didn't want us to express our affection and let them see. Such things would have a bad effect on them. Nazr was my fiancé, but if such feelings arose in the hearts of sisters, they should not establish a relationship of affection with any boy outside. There was just one thing that Nazr could not understand and mistook my cautious nature before the engagement for indifference.

He would now talk to me openly and, whenever he got the chance, would say romantic phrases. Then I started feeling confused by it. I liked mischief, but as a fiancé, I strongly disliked Nazr's mischief in front of the family and he, absorbed in his emotions, did not realize what actions he was committing. For example, sometimes, while wearing a burqa, he would tell my younger sister Nida to tell your aunt that Khalida had come. Khalida is the daughter of my friend and aunt. Then I would feel his mischief was arrogant.

I even told him that I did not like these things. You are disliking me with your inverted actions. Please, don't do that in the future, but he did not understand and kept expressing his affection in various ways to please his heart.

One day, he took a box and told my sister to give this to Rubina. Tell him to thank me for this gift so that I know that he likes it. I opened the box. It was full of colorful glass bangles. I was surprised to see such a gift. Neither my birthday nor Eid was near, so why this gift? While I did not wear glass bangles at all. Just then I was thinking about what to do when he came into my room smiling and asked. Tell me, did you like the gift? I started looking at his face and thanked him slowly, not wanting to be angry.

No, bring the bracelet here, I will put a set on your wrist with my own hands. Saying this, he grabbed my hand. I got very angry at this action of his and in the struggle to pull my hand away, the box fell. The bangles scattered on the floor, most of which were broken. Then she said. It doesn't matter, I will load more. Perhaps you are grieving over their breakage, as they are called a sign of love. Their breakup is not a good omen. Hearing these things, my body caught fire and these words came out of my mouth involuntarily.

Go away, I don't want any bangles from you. I said this sentence so bitterly that he frowned and left my room at that time. A girl named Sanam lived in our neighborhood. She had been studying with me in school till matriculation. By chance, she came at that time. When she saw me crying, she asked. Hey, what happened? Why are you crying? My heart was full of sorrow, so I told her the whole story. She started saying. Hey Pagli, what's the point of crying? He is your fiancé. He has every right to express his love for you.

He is a simple and sincere boy, only then does whatever comes to his mind. He has no bad intentions in this nor is he doing bad things. You are misunderstanding his love and simplicity. If I were in your place, I would consider myself lucky. Well, he calmed me down by explaining. I just said that of course Nazr is not a criminal, but he is a fool and I am saddened that he does not take things seriously. After this incident, Nazr did not joke with me again or show any affection, but he did not stop coming to our house either, now he started coming more. When he came, I would sit in my room and not come out until he left.

He would still joke with my mother and my siblings and make them laugh by telling jokes, but now his mischief had decreased. Gradually, I noticed that whenever Nazr came to our house, Sanam would also come. She heard his voice in our yard.

It was a habit. Nazr had a habit of talking loudly and laughing openly. In this way, the neighbors would know about his arrival. One day, I was sitting in my room, crying, when Sanam came. On seeing her, I went into the washroom on the pretext of washing my face. He had already guessed that I had gone to wipe my tears, and then he swore to me and asked me what was the matter, why were you crying? I am your friend. For God's sake, don't hide it from me. Tell me what is troubling you. I showed him the bouquet kept on the table and said, "Are you looking?" Nazr had come a while ago and left this bouquet.

When he knows that I am irritated by these things, why does he do these things deliberately? Is he mentally ill? Rubina, look! I think it is not him, but you who are mentally ill. He is a normal person. Now, believe it or not. Okay, do it, give me this bouquet. I handed him that bouquet of evergreen flowers and said, "Here, you keep it with you forever, but if he sends me these flowers again, Sanam said before I could finish speaking, "You should have given me these flowers instead of burning your heart." I think you are subconsciously not happy with your engagement and do not like Nazr. I do not like the smell of evergreen flowers.

I did not dislike Nazr earlier, but now I do because he has different habits from the men in our family, while our men are respectable. There is an age difference between men and boys. In my eyes, Nazr is a good boy and boys do such things. Apart from that, if there is anything else wrong with him, tell me. There is nothing else wrong, I just do not like all this. Okay, then there is a solution to this.

If you do not like him, then refuse. Marriage. How can I refuse? My father will create a storm. Don't worry, I will find a way but don't throw the flowers he brought in his face. Now if he gives you flowers, keep them and give them to me. What will you do with them? I will take care of them. She said jokingly, but I was angry then. You married Nazr, my friend, but now he doesn't send me flowers, tell him. When Nazr was at home and Sanam came, she would talk to him, that's why I said that.

The next day, Nazr came to our house, and he again sent me flowers through my younger sister, only then did Sanam come. I handed the flowers to him and said, take these and go marry him, you are advocating for him a lot! Keep smelling the fragrance of evergreen flowers throughout your life. Tears were in my eyes. Sanam looked at me carefully and said, you make a noise and tell everyone that you don't like Nazr, so don't tie your life-long relationship with him.

If you keep quiet, you will die. Do you think that everyone will understand the protest hidden in your silence? It won't be like that. There is a big difference between your and Nazr's temperaments. This matter can become a problem later on and in the stereotypical family you belong to, a woman's silence is considered a punishment. I can't talk to the family, I said. Okay, if you can't talk to the family, then talk to Nazr yourself that you don't like him. Sanam brainwashed me well that day and convinced me that if Nazr came now, I should tell him myself that I disliked him. It was Tuesday night, and Nazr came to our house.

I opened the door myself. There was no one around, I gathered courage seeing the opportunity and told him in one breath that I didn't like you because our habits didn't match and our temperaments were also different. She said, that no human being is the same, everyone's temperaments are different, but when you fall in love with each other, habits and temperaments can be changed for that.

Whatever you want, I will change myself after marriage. Yes, if there is any other reason besides that, tell me. I was excited, Sanam had explained to me that I should make it very clear to Nazr that if you marry her, both of you will not be able to be happy, rather, both of your lives will be ruined. Then suddenly a false excuse came to my mind. I said, yes, there is a reason that I like Sanam's brother Sabahat. This was the last nail in the coffin, which I hammered.

I don't know how this sentence came out of my mouth that Nazr's complexion turned pale and he quietly left the same way he had come and after that, he did not keep any contact with me again. Three or four months passed, and neither Sanam came to meet me nor Nazr. I couldn't go to Sanam's house because my father wouldn't let us go to the Aros neighborhood, only then would she come, but we wouldn't go to anyone's house.

Sanam used to go to her uncle's house every summer. I thought she must have died this time too, but she wasn't coming then. It was understandable that Nazr wouldn't come. I had said it that way. It was natural for him to get angry. Now strange fears would arise in my heart that there must be something black in the lentils. As the Cheyenne say, fears don't come just like that.

They come when something is going to happen. One day I heard from my mother that Nazr had gone to another city for work, then I felt relieved. A few days had passed when Sanam came. She had also brought the news of her marriage that she had got a court marriage. Who was she? I asked. She said she hadn't introduced me to her parents yet. They were angry, they celebrated it with great difficulty, only then would I come. I am in a hurry now, I will come again then and tell you. Two

The second time she came after fifteen days, she was a little happy because she had convinced her parents, but they did not allow her husband to come home. She hid everything from me. If she had told me, maybe I would have been saved from further burning. My parents were adamant about making Nazr my son-in-law because my relationship with him had been fixed since childhood. They decided that they would listen neither to me nor Nazr, but whatever the elders decide will be the same.

They convinced Nazr and brought him and told him that there is no boy named Sabahat in our neighborhood, are you talking about some Sabahat? Sanam does not have a brother. Nazr also knew this, but he was making excuses and saying that it could be another boy, but this was wrong because I did not like any boy at all, I had never met anyone. Well, then the wedding date was set.

The night I was sitting in the hospital, Sanam came. She was beautiful but a little quiet. I didn't talk much, I just said this: I'm sorry that you don't want an answer and you are getting married to someone you dislike, and look at the state of this coward, I can't refuse my parents. I didn't answer her because other girls were also there. Instead of encouraging her, Sanam seemed to be pouring oil on the burning. I started thinking, wasn't Sanam like that? I wonder why it is happening now that she has forgotten the requirements of friendship.

I couldn't even imagine that fate was going to play such a joke on me. Everyone was talking nonsense and I was unaware that the friend whose friendship I was proud of was going to take away my happiness. I wanted to cry but tears were not flowing. I was leaving and I couldn't say anything to anyone. The mistake was my own and I would have to bear the punishment myself in the coming days. It was my mistake that I told the viewer that I didn't like you, although I knew that the childhood bond in our family was not broken.

For this mistake, Nazr punished me so much that he neither left me nor adopted me. For so many days, Sanam and Nazr remained absent and I did not even try to find out where they were. I considered Sanam my dearest friend, but she turned out to be a serpent. She stole my happiness. I wish I had not told her my secrets or sought her advice because she was directing her mind in another direction.

I kept waiting for Nazr on the flower bed, but he did not come. Even when he came at the time of the Fajr call to prayer, he did not speak to me, nor did he lift my veil. He did not even bother to look at my face. The days passed in silence. I did not dare to say anything to anyone because this was my place. He would stay out all day, come home in the late hours of the night, and sleep quietly.

Even after so many days of marriage, we were strangers to each other. His parents kept consulting for a long time, finally, they spoke to Nazr, saying why don't you talk to your wife? They don't even take her anywhere, they come home late at night. What is this method?” Nazr replied, “Ask her. She said that she didn't like me. Now, if no one likes anyone, what should anyone do?” Forced bonds are like this. The day of judgment passed when she told the house that she was already married and was the father of a child.

No one in our family was ready to accept Sanam, but for Nazr's sake, he had to do it, as he had threatened to leave the house forever. Sanam had produced an heir to this house, while he had not yet given me the status of a wife. He had fallen in love with Sanam. He was living a happy life with her, and I, the unfortunate one, was shedding tears over my compulsions, considering myself guilty. I had set my destiny on fire, in which all my happiness burned to ashes. He would not speak to me because an imaginary rival existed in his mind in the form of Sabahat and remained there for life.

I had never met a stranger or seen anyone else's face, but there was a fire of rivalry that kept burning the viewer. He didn't need me at all. He was living a full and happy life with Sanam and his four children. For some reason, the one I disliked before, now I started loving him. If I had known that Sanam had stolen him from me, I would have eaten poison instead of agreeing to marry him. When and how did intense love for him arise in my heart? I don't know, but it was a one-sided silent fire that no one could extinguish.

When someone talked about divorce, I would start crying. I was called his wife, that was enough for me. I was cutting my seed. Why should I blame anyone? I didn't value the diamond, so it also became stone. I was not worthy of his love. Sanam spread her wings and gathered all the flowers of love and I became an empty wing. Only thorns came to me. Even today, I live in the hope that my beloved will forgive me and that he will embrace me someday. After all, I am married to him. Maybe he will come back someday.

Thank you for taking the time to read. I truly appreciate your support and am grateful for the opportunity to share this tale with you.