Silent Goodbyes

The night of Christmas this year, the strongest, most complicated, and yet the kindest man lays sick in a hospital bed of a rehabilitation unit. Struggling with the oxygen hose that continuously dries out the inside of his nostril. Gasping and wheezing though fights the urge to let go and let everything just go black. Suddenly pure oxygen is forcibly pushed thru the plastic tubing, out of the machine then into his mouth. Coughing and choking on the huge cloud of forced air coming from the ventilator. Even though he struggled with this machine, it was actually breathing for him. Tired, weak, and struggling to stay awake, waiting for his daughter to say her goodbyes. He looks blankly out the window, blinking his eyes slowly at first and more rapidly, trying to clear up the image of a silhouette that is seen out the window. He turns his head slowly to see if his wife of 20 years is noticing or seeing what he just saw. At that moment, she states, "well, that's an odd place for a fellow to stand "she shrugged her shoulders, turned around, and quickly walked out of the room.

Hearing a few different sounds of raised voices and a little bit of commotion that seemed to be coming from right outside his room in the hall. He is unable to move, trying with all his might to turn or shift his body to say hello. His guest enters rapidly rounding the corner of the doorway. His eldest child showing signs of stress and exhaustion, he still sees the little girl within his aged approaching daughter. Seeing the father's eyes open and the monitors still buzzing, all showing that he was still alive, brightens the tension in the hospital room. The father trying again to move, catches a glimpse of two more people in step behind her as they enter the room. Well, this holiday night was different; usually, only one visitor at a time is allowed per patient, though this situation allowed all four guests to be there at once. A smile was given as the two older men's faces had connected with each other. Then just slightly taller saw a head that had towered over his son-in-law's. The father's eyes had squinted once again, trying to clear up the face of the last person to enter his room. His initial reaction to the unknown visitor was utter shock.

He had rapidly shifted his eyes back and forth, left to right, trying to catch his daughter's attention. His gaze and eyes wide open and looking back at the other guest. This motion or action with his eyes, creating a signal or some sort of silent communication. His daughter observed the anxious reaction of her father when he had looked at her son. Her son showed a strong resemblance to her younger brother who had passed years ago. 'Dad, it's just Paul, not bubby". Just as she had finished with her explanation, Paul had lost control of his emotions and began to cry. Large teardrops fell from his face, and had landed on sections of dry, patchy paper-thin skin that formed the forearm of his grandfather. Apologizing over and over, then scrambling to find a towel or napkin the grandfather slowly raises his arm and with all the strength he can gather, taps the top of the rail that holds him within the hospital bed. Daughter trying to hold back her tears, and still holding her fathers hand softly states. Paul, he's trying to tell you its okay, STop honey."The father slowly rotates his face and attention back to the emotion-filled and tired expression on his daughter's face. Once again, squeezing her hand within his, a tear slowly slides down his cheek. Two then three more start following the same trail of the last drop of water leaked out before it. He is screaming and talking a mile a minute in his head, yet no words or even expressions can be seen on his face. Only the collection of tears in his eyes and as they reach the top of the eyelid slowly spill over and down his cheeks. "Daddy, it's okay, try and stay calm." She grabs a tissue, softly and slowly blotting the water from her father's eyes. As she dries each streak and single tear from his face, she doesn't notice her falling simultaneously. Just then, an alarm goes off on one of the various machines that fill the corner of the hospital room. The sound startled the three emotional guests, causing the daughter to lose what little control she held over her emotions. Silently and aggressively sobbing, holding back the sobs and needed influx of need air. She slowly lifts her gaze until her eyes meet the concerned stare from her father's eyes. Daddy, I'm sorry I was so tired; I fell asleep on top of my phone; I'm so sorry. More challenging and demanding, her shoulders would rise and fall with each sob. Her husband reached her left shoulder and pulled her towards him; she quickly grabbed and latched on to her husband. Calmly and slowly rubbing his hand from the middle to the bottom of her back and silently whispering in her ear how it okay, he understands. Unable to hold his little girl tore a hole through him and caused a painful ache that just sat like a rock in his gut. As the couple held and comforted each other, his grandson Paul still sobbing behind his medical mask had kept his sight on every movement his grandfather had made. The old and young men looked at each other as if they were having a conversation, yet no words had been exchanged. After a few minutes, suddenly Paul spoke, I hope I made you proud, and know how much I love you and miss you every day. I'm sorry for not coming sooner. More and more apologies poured out of the young man as each left his lips; it seemed to chip away at the strength of his legs, lowering his stance and body until Pauls's head had found his grandfather's lap. Sobbing uncontrollably behind the mask and burying this face in the blankets that covered his grandfather, Paul took off his mask. It felt a cold delicate hand on his head, slowly moving pieces of Paul's hair from his eyes. Raising just his eyes enough to see his grandfather's hand. Placing the right side of his cheek and chin in the palm, the calm and delicate had seemed to bring a wave of complete peace and calm so quick that Paul's head tipped back, and his eyes pointed towards heaven. Slowly lowering his chin and leveling his head. He looks at his grandfather a final time and nods his head as if he had answered a silent statement or instruction. Paul pats his dad's shoulder, washes his hands at the sink behind where his parents were standing. A final glance at his grandfather to imprint the image in his mind knowing the next encounter would not be the same. He shook his head slowly up and down in agreeance, sliding his medical mask off the top of his head and dropping it in the trash can by the door, and then leaving the room.

His daughter lifts her head as she hears the sound of water being shut off. Gently sobbing and wiping the stream of tears from both cheeks before turning to see her father, her husband stops her. He then takes a half step forward and grabs the left hand of his father-in-law." Don't worry, dad, I got them from here, promise." "You know me, made it back home, after four tours, you have my word, I'll make sure they get through this." Starting to have trouble speaking, the words that were in his mind were screaming so loud thinking for sure his father-in-law heard them. The son-in-law looks down at the floor to gather himself. Quickly lifts his gaze from his shoes to swollen tear-filled eyes of his father-in-law. I will always take care of her, okay dad, and you tell your son that we miss him, and not a day goes by his sister doesn't pray for him. He tightens his grip as much as he can to express his feelings, respect, love, and all he can in that last shake between the two men. Tapping his wife on the should silently tell her, "I'll be right outside, take your time."

Time, well that was something that she knew she didn't have. Hearing her father struggle to keep up with the ventilator and watching how hard her father was fighting now only to stay away but keep from convulsions. Signs of his body shutting down no longer discrete were becoming more intense and had doubled in quantity since they had arrived.

She leaned down where her lips were by his ears and side of his face, and hers had touched. Feeling the warmth of his daughter's face had seemed to relax him, and his body seemed to respond by just going loose and relaxed. Her father squeezed her hands as she spoke their last words between the two of them. Daddy, I know you are tired, it's okay, go be with bubby and grandma. hug them both so tight for me, okay. Tell grandpa and both of them I love them so much and have missed them so much. Daddy, I"m sorry I fell asleep, and you had to hold on for so long and in pain.. I"m so sorry; I hope I made you proud. I hope that I was what you wanted in a daughter. It's okay to let go now, dad; I'm okay, I promise. It will hurt for a while, but I can do this. Just hug bubby and know I love you both and will be with you one day. I'll be alone, but I'll be okay. The father squeezed with every bit of life and strength he had to let her know he heard her and she was his everything loved her as well. She gave him one last kiss on the forehead like he had done when tucking her in as a child. I love you, daddy, she said with her eyes closed and looking down at her father. He slowly closed his eyes. A nurse came into the room and quietly asked if she was leaving, and in between the sobs, she said yes. The nurse gently touches her hand; it's okay, hon, I have got him from here. The three silently walked back to their car and began the drive home. She looks up at the hospital and silently prays.

Bubby, if you loved dad or me," starting to become angry. Your woe this to me bubby, take daddy home now. Please, I beg you . take him home, he's suffering. grandma, grandpa... please!!!

She hits the ground on her knees, placing her face in her hands, crying. Her husband comes from behind, wraps his arms around her, and lets her release all that she feels. Bubby, please come take daddy home.

The nurse slowly turned off the alarms on the machines. Looking back at her patient, see that father breathing for a few moments on his own; a reasonably average male walk in the room. Quickly turning around, the nurse states. I thought that was the last visitor. I'm giving him his last shot to make him comfortable. Softly ad with a slight smile, responds, that okay, Ma'am, I'll only need a moment, promise. She nods and shuffles out to the desk to see who this visitor is.

The young man of average height and looks like he's in his thirties, proceeds to walk up to the side of the hospital bed. The father's expression of shock and unbelief beaming from his face, makes the stranger crack a smile, then says, 'Hey dad, wanted to be here sooner, but you know Amya Lynne, always late.' 'How about you and I go see some folks waiting on you? Miss you, man, but mostly dad. I'm sorry. You know that right, do you forgive me?" The father's last tear his body will ever cry or shed simply rolls down his face. 'Okay, dad, let's go home.' Wings come from behind the man and fold around his frail body lying in the bed. The alarm on the previous machine goes off, making the sound of a flat lining of a heart. The nurse comes in only to see the calm and peaceful smile of the father and a single white feather placed in his lap, and the younger male is gone.