Sewer Snake: Slithering Slaughterfest!

Chapter 1 – Not Another Sewar Creature

You have heard the theories, right? The ones relating to creatures in the sewars. Alligators, Giant Rats, Mutated Humanoids… B-list horror movie bucket lists can probably give you some more. I mean… even children’s cartoons contain creatures, ninja ones at that who live in the sewars of New York City! My story takes place in London, no rats, alligators, or turtles in sight, nah my story just has a big-ass toxic snake that decided to unleash terror upon the residents of London, straight from the sewers to the toilets… (yes toilets…keep reading…) so let's dive straight in!

Chapter 2 – Lost in Transit

It was June 13 th at 11am that this serpentine story begins (yes you can expect snake references.) While it was a routine delivery drop for Venomous Couriers to London Zoo on paper, it would become a disaster that would plunge London into toilet time terror for 60 hours. Before starting this commonplace delivery, Aidan had been delayed getting to work and was a good 15 minutes late setting off with his cargo of slithery serpents.

Now Aidan at the best of times was not the greatest at ensuring his checks were up to the required standard before any vehicles leave the compound. This day, he had forgotten to ensure the back door was secured correctly, he had walked around his van in a quick-time fashion and even quicker had ticked off his list of safety checks before gunning it out onto the road.

He was the last one out and knew his supervisor would be downing a large coffee right about now so he would not be checking the paperwork for a while anyway. As Aidan spun the wheel, his van drifted across the tarmac. A loose loaded crate slid across the van’s storage bay and upon contact with the unsecured door, knocked it open and were then ejected out into the street, the van door swung back on itself and locked itself in the process. Aidan had not heard the commotion, he was enjoying the new DragonForce album too much to notice and by the time, the zoo would realise they were a crate short, it was too late to do anything but panic when they saw what kind of snake had been kept in the crate.

This crate contained the Oxyuranus Microlepidotus or the Inland Taipan Snake or The Venom King and to many in the snake knowing industry, it proudly held the title of: The World’s Most Venomous Snake! Seriously this venom laced superstar packs enough venom in one bite to kill 100 humans and bites are fatal within 40 minutes! (So, a rather dangerous critter, if I may say so myself!) The venom of this slithery ophidian (Latin for a reptile related to snakes…knowledge drop!)

Quick sidenote, the Inland Taipan is a reclusive snake in central east Australia and so rarely bites humans, so while the most venomous, not the most dangerous. That honour goes to the Echis Carinatus aka The Saw-Scaled Viper which kills the most humans per year but does not feature in this story…unless this happens again…Sewer Snake II: Venomous Vengeance?

The crate skidded across the road and into the open sewer pipe that was undergoing maintenance work. As the crate fell into the depths, it must have snagged on something as when it came to a halt, the crate was broken and the fabric bag inside containing the Taipan had ripped allowing the snake to escape into the sewer system.

I know what you are thinking, how did he know that? Well to be honest, I do not, most of this is speculation, I mean Aidan is just a name I used as it popped up on my Steam notifications when I finally sat down to get this tale of venomous villainy out. For all we know, the crate fell out of a plane and into the pipe... anyway onto the next chapter!

Chapter 3 – Meanwhile Across Town…The Next Morning!

In the heart of London, GenoTech Innovations had been developing cutting-edge pharmaceuticals for years, gaining a reputation for groundbreaking research, innovative new methods of treating maladies etc. Among their more secret (cough, military, ohhh sorry about that, had a tickle in my throat for a second) projects was an experimental growth mutagen designed to accelerate tissue regeneration, rapid cellular development, and DNA mutations.

(You can see where this is going...)

On the night of June 12th, a daring or daft thief infiltrated GenoTech's high-security facility, having been hired by a rival company (refused to say who right up to his “escape” from the police holding cell) to steal a vial of the experimental mutagen, they nicknamed MutaMorph.

The thief managed to pull off the robbery and made it out into the dimly lit streets, did not get too far however as GenoTech's private security team swiftly intercepted, tackled, and dumped him onto the ground like a sack of potatoes, (WWE would have hired the security team on that move alone.) The vial, however, was sent flying from the thief's grasp, careening into a nearby sewer grate. Unbeknownst to anyone at the time, the vial cracked open upon impact, releasing its contents into the depths below…

…and right onto the escaped Taipan (of all the things to land on, right?)

Chapter 4 – A Monster Slithereth...Slitherith?...Slithirieth?...Cometh!

In the darkness and foulness of London’s sewers, a monstrous mutation began to occur. As the Taipan slithered around in the MutaMorph, its body began to convulse, as the hormone seeped into its skin, mutating its cells. Its hissing echoing around the sewer walls as it thrashed around in vain attempting to find its attacker. Finally exhausted, it moved into a dark corner of the sewer system and gave in to unconsciousness as the mutagen got to work.

When the snake regained consciousness, the mutagen had done a number on it.

1. 1. Dual Heads: A second head, each capable of independent thought and movement (why have one head of a mutated snake when you can have fun with two?!)
2. Venomous Spit: The venom causes severe burns or paralysis upon contact with skin.
3. Acidic Venom: A variant of its venom that is highly acidic, able to melt through materials like metal and concrete. (One head to paralysis you, the other to melt you!)
4. Camouflage Skin: (Now you see it…now you don't!)
5. Enhanced Regeneration: Rapid healing and regeneration abilities, make it nearly invincible.
6. Enhanced Size and Strength: Significant increase to the snake's size and muscular strength.
7. Prehensile Tail: A tail that can grip and manipulate objects, such as doors or worse...toilet lids… (Dun Dun Dun! Starting to fear using the toilet again yet?)
8. Thermal Vision: Enhanced vision that allows it to see heat signatures, making it a formidable hunter in total darkness.

(As Yoda would have said Fucked we were)

Chapter 5: Bikes, Bagels and Balls!

London’s usually bustling street were quiet the next morning. Only the early morning commuters and exercise enthusiasts were out and about, completely unaware of what had woken up below their feet. Our two-headed villain was racing through the sewers learning the layout with helps from its new mutations.

Margaret stepped off the tube at King’s Cross Station, juggling her coffee and bagel while checking her phone. As she made her way to the office, a distant rumbling caught her attention. She dismissed it as just another train passing underground. Suddenly, a manhole cover exploded upwards, sending a cyclist flying into the air.

“Well, this is going to hurt!” thought Ken as he sailed upwards: manhole cover, bike, and all. Margaret stood frozen with a bagel filled mouth as the enormous snake emerged, its frilled neck fanning out like a deadly peacock. The snake’s heads snapped at anything that moved, one spat acidic venom that melted a parked car’s tires while the other hissed menacingly at Margaret.

“Mmppphmmhpp!” (Bagel code for, ‘What the fuck?) Margaret turned and started to quick step away. She did not get far as the prehensile tail rose up out the next manhole cover and flicked her quite easily backwards into the awaiting jaws of Hissy. (For clarification Hissy is Snake Head #1 – Acidic Venom and Snake Head #2 is Spitty – Paralysing Venom) Margaret’s last thought was ‘I knew I should've worked from home today’ as Hissy’s jaws clamped shut, bending Margaret at a 90-degree angle, bagel, coffee, and all!

As for Ken, he landed back on the ground, squashed his nuts on his bike frame and apart from some heavy bruising and peeing blood for a while, he escaped unscathed.

Unlike the next group of Londoners who came across Hissy and Spitty…

Chapter 6: Snakes and Towers

The first crowd of tourists were milling about the Tower of London, snapping photos, and enjoying the history, when the ground beneath them began to tremble. With a deafening crash, the snake burst from the ground near the Tower. Its heads reared up, surveying the stunned crowd with predatory eyes. A tour guide, pointed at the snake, his mind not quite caught up to the situation. "And here we have a giant two headed snake?”

The tourists, assuming this was part of the show, began snapping pictures. Hissy and Spitty did not take too kindly to having their photos taken and quite promptly unleashed their annoyance upon the group. Acid and Paralysing Venom went flying, some tourists were paralysed and some tourists were dissolved (3 or 4 highly unlucky ones were paralysed, then covered in acid. Frozen to the spot and you can feel your body parts melting away? No thanks!), and once panic and the initial shock of seeing a giant two headed snake erupt from the ground... people naturally began running for their lives.

Chapter 7: COBRA MEETING (I wonder if they knew when they named them COBRA meetings that they would end up having one about an actual snake? Anyway, onto the chapter as this title has gotten rather long!)

News of the snake’s rampage spread like wildfire. The mayor called an emergency meeting on board the UK’s Government Airbus A321-2NX (A wise choice given the circumstances) with the city’s top scientists, snake experts, and a motley crew of eccentric characters who had faced bizarre threats before—like the guy who survived that Racoon Typhoon near LA.

“We need to lure it into a trap,” Dr Eleanor Green, a herpetologist with a penchant for the dramatic, declared. “We’ll use its sense of smell and affinity for dark, wet places against it.”

As the snake carried on its rampage, the group finalised their plan. Reginald 'Reggie' Thunderclaw, the eccentric survivor of the infamous Raccoon Typhoon, stood out in any crowd. With his wild, untamed hair, a penchant for wearing mismatched clothes, and a never-ending supply of outrageous survival stories, announced the final plan to the group.

"We will flood part of the sewers with a potent mix of pheromones and tranquilizers, leading the snake into an old, reinforced section of the sewer. Once that two headed bastard is in, seal it in and deal with it once and for all.”

Dave the Bar Owner chipped in. “Then its back to The Slippery Eel for a pint!”

Chapter 8: Showdown in Sewer Town!

The team gathered in the dimly lit underground chamber, they had chosen a dead end for their trap. The area would be large enough to hold in the snake while they flooded it with a tranquiliser gas, once the snake was out, Dr Green would inject the snake with a highly potent poison (scaled up due to the size of Hissy and Spitty) that would finish it off. The team were tense but ready for the final showdown with the mutated sewer snake. Dr Green checked her poison injector one last time, while Dave, and a group of SAS soldiers braced themselves for the impending battle. Reggie Thunderclaw, ever the wildcard, stood at the ready with his trusty custom modified fire hose flamethrower.

Dr Green’s voice came through their earpieces. “Okay, start flooding the chambers.” 3 of the SAS soldiers, began spraying into the chamber. A portable fan blew the scent into the darkness of the tunnels. After the pheromone tanks ran out, the team became very aware of just how dark and silent the sewer tunnels ahead of them were. Captain Jack Montgomery whispered into the team comms. “Jenkins, get a flare into the tunnel.” Private Jenkins crept forward, every instinct in his body told him this was not a good idea. His instincts were correct. As he held the red flare above his head, neither he nor the team behind him had much time to react as the snake’s tail shoot out of the darkness and wrapped around Jenkin’s body, pulling him into the tunnel. Nor did they have time to react as he came flying back into theroom, screaming as he went until he slammed into the wall with a loud bone crunching sound before flopping down dead onto the ground.

It was only after a few moments had passed, that Reggie spoke up. “We’re all looking at Jenkins, aren’t we?” The sound of hissing confirmed his speculation, as the team turned around, they realised the snake had tricked them by using Jenkins as a diversion. The two heads swayed ominously in the dim light. “You sneaky fucker!” was all Reggie was able to say before chaos descended upon the team. With a deafening hiss, the snake lunged forward, catching the soldiers off guard. Its heads struck out with lightning speed, each bite delivering a deadly payload of venom and acid. The soldiers fought back valiantly, firing their rifles but the snake proved to be a formidable opponent.

Hissy struck first, its fangs sinking into the flesh of one unfortunate soldier. The acidic venom ate through his protective gear, causing his skin to sizzle and burn. With a cry of agony, he fell to the ground, writhing in pain as the corrosive substance continued to eat away at his flesh. Spitty targeted another soldier, its fangs injecting a potent toxin into his bloodstream.

Almost immediately, his muscles seized up, rendering him unable to move. He watched helplessly as the snake closed in for the kill, its jaws snapping shut around his throat. As the chaos unfolded, more soldiers fell victim to the snake's deadly weapons. Some were paralyzed and left at the mercy of the creature, while others suffered agonizing deaths as the acidic venom ate away at their bodies. Dave, Reggie, and Dr Green fought alongside the soldiers, doing their best to coordinate the defence, but the situation grew increasingly dire with each passing moment.

Despite their best efforts, the soldiers found themselves overwhelmed by the sheer power and aggression of the mutated sewer snake. As the casualties mounted and the situation grew increasingly desperate, the team knew they had to act fast if they had any hope of surviving the encounter. Reggie, assessing the situation, devised a plan to put an end to the snake’s massacre of their team. He leapt into action, spraying the snake's heads with high-octane fire from his fire hose (I have always wondered why they call them fire hoses? Surely Water Hose would be a better name?) to get their attention, the snake recoiled, its heads snapped back while hissing angrily at Reggie.

Keeping his attention on the snake he spoke to Dr Green, “Doc, on my command, drop the gates! Too late to contain this thing now but we can still put it down!” Dr Green confirmed she understood. Reggie pushed the snake backwards using the intense fire to keep the heads at bay. Finally, he had them positioned underneath the heavy gate. “NOW!” he yelled into the team comms. In the control room, Dr Green punched the large blue button (I was surprised too when I found out, the button was blue and not red. I mean plot essential buttons are usually red) and triggered the gate release mechanism. The chains holding the gate up, let go with a groan. The snake looked around for the source of the noise but could not move quick enough to escape. The gate crashed down onto Hissy and Spitty with a thunderous clang.

The team watched in awe as the gate slammed shut, cutting off the heads of the snake in a dramatic climax. The body and heads of Hissy and Spitty, writhed and thrashed, venom and acid splashing everywhere, the team taking cover not to get hit. Quickly the snakes’ movements grew weaker until both heads and body laid still on the ground, their eyes staring blankly at the team. The chamber fell silent, until the triumphant cheers of the survivors echoed around the tunnels.

After a few minutes of celebrating and catching their breath, they surveyed the aftermath of the battle. Some soldiers lay unconscious, injured, or dead, but the threat was now over. Dr Green inspected the trapped heads of the snake, ensuring they were truly immobilized. Dave tended to the injured soldiers. Reggie stood triumphantly amidst the chaos, a grin of satisfaction on his face. “Another day, another bizarre disaster averted! Whose up for a drink?”

Epilogue: Fish and Chips and Cheers

The Slippery Eel was alive with laughter and celebration. The surviving members of the team gathered around a large, worn table, raising their glasses in triumph. A massive spread of Fish and Chips was in front of them and a lot of empty beer glasses (90% of which belonged to Reggie!) Mounted above the bar were the severed heads of Hissy and Spitty, the dual-headed terror that had wreaked havoc on London. They were now trophies, a testament to their hard-fought victory.

Dave, the pub owner, poured another round of drinks. “To surviving the sewer snake apocalypse!” he toasted, his face beaming with pride.

“To Dave’s quick thinking and Reggie’s insane heroics,” added Dr Eleanor Green.

Reggie, the man who seemed to survive everything, raised his pint and grinned. “To the craziest team I’ve ever had the pleasure of not dying with.”

Epilogue II: Dun Dun Duuuuuuuuuun!

(Ohhh, you knew this was coming!)

Nestled in a dark corner, lay a large, pulsating snake egg. It gleamed ominously under the faint, flickering light of the sewer system. Suddenly, the egg began to crack. Tiny fissures spider-webbed across its surface before a piece of the shell broke away. A small, glistening head emerged, followed by another, and then another, each one bearing a distinct, menacing gaze. Two are like Hissy and Spitty but the third is new.

(Ahh shit! Here We Go Again!)

Unlike the other two, which were sleek and streamlined, this head had a rough, scaly texture and a pair of menacing, horn-like protrusions above its eyes. Its eyes glowed with an eerie, phosphorescent blue, and its forked tongue flickered out, tasting the air with an almost supernatural awareness. This third head (Now known as Trippy!) possessed a hallucinogenic venom.

A single bite from Trippy’s fangs would inject a potent toxin that induced vivid, terrifying hallucinations in its victims, causing them to see their worst fears and most nightmarish visions. The victims would be rendered helpless, trapped in a world of their own mind's creation, making it easier for the snake to finish them off or simply leave them incapacitated as their minds turn to mush.

The newly hatched Snake reared upwards, all three heads hissing angrily, their eyes wide open, three types of venom glistening off their fangs as it darts forward…

“Straight into the camera, scaring the audience one last time, setting up the sequel and ending the film all at the same time! And that,” Max Quirke says with a flourish as he turns around from the projector screen currently showing his script, “is the story of Sewer Snake I: Slithering Slaughterfest!

Epilogue III: The Actual Epilogue (This is the final one, I promise!)

“A horror-comedy with everything—action, laughs, and a mutated giant two-headed snake terrorizing London. The gore of Anaconda mixed with the comedy of Sharknado, but with a British twist!” Max points to his assistant sitting nearby, “Cue the lights please.”

The lights ping on, blinding virtually everyone in the room, having sat in the dark for about an hour. The executives of Twisted Thistle Films exchange glances with each, whispering among themselves as Max watches on. Finally, Nigel Thorncroft, a grizzled veteran of the B-movie industry, leans forward. “We love it,” he says, a grin spreading across his face. The room erupts into applause and excited chatter as Max beams with satisfaction. He picks up a rubber snake prop from the table and gives a toast. “To Sewer Snake!”

The End! Or Is It?

Sewer Snake I: Slithering Slaughterfest by Ryan McGregor

Coming Soon Sewer Snake II: Venomous Vengeance!