Rooted in You

“Avery,” I say as she slips a letter into my hand. We stand here under the same tree where we shared our first kiss. Only this time, it is not excitement shining in her hazel eyes. This time, all I can see is fear.

I stand silently watching her, soaking her in as if this is the last time I’ll ever lay eyes on her. Her chestnut hair blowing in the breeze, the sun brightening specks of gold in her eyes. I want to grab her and wrap her body in my arms. But I know that wouldn’t make breaking up with the only girl I’ve ever loved easier.

I still remember the first time I laid eyes on her in ninth grade. I had never seen a girl so mesmerizing. She enchanted me without even trying. Not that she had to try. She was that girl. The one they write stories about. The whole world was at her fingertips, and everyone wanting to be near her. I was supposed to hate girls like Avery, but it was impossible to hate an angel. I spent years resenting her for that.

I was not the type of guy that was supposed to fall in love, least of all with a girl like her. But loving Avery was a long, slow burn. I was on fire long before I knew she had ignited the flame. By the time I knew what was happening, I was gladly willing to burn in the hellfire. Just when I thought I would, she swept in and flew me to her Heaven.

It turns out that losing Avery would happen faster than I ever thought possible. It was at a party Friday night where my world came crashing down. It’s Monday now, but I can see the smirk on Nathan’s face, as he told me Heaven had been a lie. A bet. For the girl I loved, I had only been a bet.

But if that was the case, why is she here now? Why am I? I avoided her calls and texts all weekend telling myself I hadn’t wanted to hear her excuses, but really, I wasn’t ready to face reality. Instead, I held tight to the reality where a girl like Avery could want me for two more days. I couldn’t avoid this forever though. So, I said yes when she asked to meet at the pear tree after school. Our tree.

And now here we stand. Ground that was once so solid now seems to quake beneath me. A foundation built on lies. I don’t know what I expected from her, but the soul shattering pain in her eyes was not it. It left me off-kilter because I was the one betrayed. She had no right to share in this grief after what she had done. Even as that thought came, I couldn’t muster the venom she deserved. Despite it all, I loved her. I know that much was real.

She looks as if she is about to speak but I turn and walk away before the words come so I don’t have to keep watching the tears fall down her rosy cheeks. I make it into my car before I can’t dissuade my curiosity any longer. I open the letter. My heart pangs at the familiarity of her writing and I wonder if I’ll burn the letters she’s written me before. I take a shallow breath and begin to read.

“Jackson,

When Bianca bet me that I couldn’t become your girlfriend, I took the challenge to spite her for sleeping with Nathan. She had taunted me since childhood, always trying to take what was mine. From toys to boys, she could have them at her command. The night we made the bet, she was taunting me again because she knew what no one else did. She knew how I felt about you. She wanted me to fail at getting the one guy she couldn’t have. I wanted to win. But there was something I wanted more. You.

All my life I had been the perfect one. It was my brand. The popular girl, but not the mean girl. Everyone thought they know me, but they could barely scratch my surface. It didn’t used to bother me that they couldn’t see deeper. Because if they had, they would see how far I am from perfect. I do not want to be nice. I do not want to be well-mannered. Likeable, nice, well-mannered, and behaved. These are the attributes long praised in us small town girls. But even writing them in this letter is suffocating.

Since the first day of ninth grade, I had felt like a stranger in my own body. Before then, I didn’t have a problem playing my role. But the moment you walked into homeroom that morning, something in me jolted awake. Even then you were covered in black. From the hair hanging down your face to the boots covering your feet despite the August heat. You walked in with your head down, focused on the floor in front of you. You glanced up quickly and scanned the room. But instead of meeting any eyes, you smirked and put your head back down, like we weren’t really worthy of being seen on your journey to your seat. A new boy in our school was a big deal to us, but to you we were insignificant.

That’s when I first felt the warmth inside of me. It began in my stomach, then moved to my chest. My face flushed in embarrassment. In that moment, I indeed felt small and insignificant. For some reason, I desperately wanted you to think otherwise. It made no sense to me because I didn’t even know your name. What did I care what the strange boy in black thought?

I remember trying so hard those first weeks in school. I wanted you to notice me. To think me different than everyone else and to see me the way I saw you. I kept putting myself in your way and trying to make small talk. I couldn’t stop feeling I had something to prove. To you, or to myself I did not know. I’d now say it was both. But you barely paid me any attention and I felt like a fool.

By tenth grade, I resented you. My hostility wasn’t because you ignored me. You ignored most of us and I had no right to your attention. I had spent so long trying to understand why I needed it in the first place. Your unwillingness to fit in and play the role stirred a strange bitterness inside of me. Even then, I knew it was irrational, but I was jealous of you. I resented you because in the times our eyes did meet, I could see the world in yours. Something bigger than my mundane life was out there waiting and I was missing out on it. You’d seen and experienced it. You had tasted freedom and I wanted to be free like you. At some point, I realized I wanted to be free with you.

In ninth grade I had a crush on you. I didn’t label at the time. It was a slow simmering that I couldn’t quite place. By tenth grade, I knew. The simmering grew into flames because I couldn’t have you. I wasn’t supposed to want a boy like you. You couldn’t possibly want a girl like me.

So, I told myself I’d get over you. When I first met Nathan the summer before eleventh grade, I had those crazy butterflies people talk about. My head was high in the clouds as he swept me off my feet and paraded me for everyone to see. Because Nate is flashy like that. He likes to show off his perfect new toys. But I didn’t care because unlike you, at least he wanted to look at me. But just like you on that first day in homeroom, he looked right through me. I would have ended it even if he hadn’t cheated with Bianca. No matter how I tried to run from the truth, I knew he was a distraction from my plaguing thoughts of you. Somewhere along the way, my stupid little crush had turned into something more. I was no longer looking at you in resentment but in pure adoration. I began to see the things you tried to hide. Like your kindness, your quiet strength, your passion for life.

Of course, you were still pretending the rest of us didn’t exist. The bet was my excuse to get close to you. I never thought I’d succeed. I was sure you would ignore my attempts to get to know you as you had before. But you didn’t. And then you were the one getting to know me. I didn’t tell you the truth about what prompted me to finally make my move because it didn’t make a difference to me. I wanted to be with the boy in black and selfishly told myself the bet could be forgotten because my love for you was real. None of this excuses what I did and the pain I’ve caused you. But now that I’ve probably lost you, I know it was fear that stopped from honesty. How could you know, and not walk away? How could I risk that after knowing what it is to be loved by you?

Falling in love with you was different from anything I had ever known. I didn’t have the butterflies. My head wasn’t in the clouds. You didn’t sweep me off my feet. You helped me stay on the ground instead, balanced, and supported in ways I didn’t even know I needed. We are not consumed with the anxious energy and insecurities of fickle young love. I still simmer when I think of you, I still feel the burn coursing through my body. But it’s a slow burn, warming me like a fireplace on a cold winter’s night. Your love has been calm and steady, as deep as the lake on a hot summer’s day.

No matter how far into the depths of you I swam, I could not drown. No matter how far I traveled into your forest, I could not be lost. I am rooted in the soil of you when our eyes meet. I am grounded to the earth when you kiss me. By loving me, you awakened parts of me I didn’t even know existed. And now I love all those parts of myself too. Being near you opened up the deepest parts of who I am letting me know without words that I am safe with you.

Despite how our relationship began, please know that my feelings for you were always real. I know now that I am worthy of many things, but I don’t expect your forgiveness to be one of them. No matter what happens now, you should know the profound effect you have had. Loving you showed me how to love myself and gave me a strength I’ve never known. It is with that strength I will fight for you, but if you can’t forgive me, it is with that strength that I will let you go,

All my heart,

Avery.”

I was out of my car before I could change my mind. She was sitting at the base of our tree, her head on folded knees. I could see the shake of her shoulders as she wept. I walked over to her and gently lifted her chin until she was looking at me through teary eyes. I kissed away those tears, one by one as she had done for me many times before. No matter how our relationship began, I knew our roots were solid.

“I saw you,” I said through a shaky breath. “That first day of ninth grade. I saw you and I haven’t stopped looking since.”