Reset

It would never have crossed her mind that this would be the step that would make her cry.

There had been many steps that had been completed. She had braved finding a new home. Made her way through the packing and the moving. She had settled in and spent more than a couple nights in the new place by herself.

The nights had been quiet and the bed too big but sleep came. Maybe not enough, maybe with more nights staring at the ceiling than she would ever admit to anyone, but it was sleep.

None of these things had been easy. They had all hurt, but she had been able to move forward. She had had to move forward. Taking the steps to keep herself from falling to pieces.

This was now her place and she lived only for herself now. She made every effort to not think of what they were doing. She knew that no answer would satisfy. Every part of her knew that she did not want to know. So, she pretended she did not care.

The other day, she saw a little girl playing with a kite. Just a kite. She pushed back tears. It was only a kite. Nothing important, nothing to cry over. It was only a cute animal kite. It did not matter that the animal was their favorite and they had loved kites. It did not matter.

Her family had been worried and her counselor had applauded her self sufficiency but was worried as well at her pushing her emotions down. They did not understand that if she let herself break, it would open a floodgate. A monsoon of tears would not stop.

So, she moved through each day. She made herself keep moving forward. Everything was not fine but she would keep moving.

She bought all the foods that she had not had in years. She played the music they never liked. They always told her that her dancing was too much. That her singing voice was too loud. She danced and sang, wild and free, circling in her kitchen while the meals from her childhood cooked away on the stove.

Her jaw gradually unclenched and her shoulder relaxed. The words that she knew now were gaslighting never came. Her smile became natural again. Her laugh came easier. That laugh, that was always too much, boomed out again and rang in her home.

The dog that was too spoiled got her treats again and got back on the couch, cuddled together with her pet parent.

She ate her dinner while wearing the worn out yoga pants and sweatshirt full of holes. Lounging on the couch and watching the same comfort show again.

She let herself be happy in the silly things again.

And finally, she was able to sit down and take this last tiny step.

Who knew that this would break her heart?

“Reset Your Password?”

They had shared so much during the years, including this and now it is gone. They were gone and part of her was deeply relieved, even as the grief swelled in her chest.

She sat there, computer open, mouse hovering over the words for a long long time. The minutes dragged out.

Of all the things that would make it “real”, this did it. Her eyes began to burn and her chest began to hitch. The tears came slowly, one tear at a time and then it all came out. All the grief and pain and anger came flooding out.

Minutes, hours, days later (who could say for sure), with the tears washing her clean, she clicked the button decisively and entered the new password. Once. Twice. Then, one more click of a button and it was done.

She reached across the table for her glass of wine. Toasting the computer screen, she closed the laptop and took a celebratory drink.

She was free.