Regarding the Death of Lilith Raine

I’m tired. 1

Nothing helps.

Not therapy, not the pills, not hiding. Not pretending I’m fine when I’m not. Nothing can relieve the guilt, the shame, the horror. 2

I know this will hurt. I never wanted that. But I cannot remain a burden, dampening the world and losing my identity. 3

To my friends and family, I’m sorry for pulling away. It was easier than faking a smile. 4

And to him:

Thank you for being patient. 5

For loving me when I couldn’t love myself. 6

You were the only one who really saw me. 7

I wish I could’ve been better for you, but I only made it worse, even when you were the only one who cared.

You’ll think you “should have seen the signs,” but you couldn’t have; I hid them. 8

You deserve peace, and I hope you find it. 9

To the good people at Southside Investments, I never meant to rip you off. 10

The money was just too tempting, the growing numbers kept me sane, hoping desperately that expensive things would cure the darkness and make me feel something. 11

I’m sorry for the mess, but now only the knife can make me feel. 12

The blood the only proof I’m here, the only sign of life, and the only way forward I can fathom. 13

Please do not mourn my loss but celebrate my life. 14

To make amends, please return the money to my victims. You’ll find it stashed in Judah’s attic. 15

I drifted off peacefully, thinking only of my lover’s beautiful face. 16

I’m sorry and goodbye,

Lilith Raine 17

1 I’m broken.

2 You said the pills were useless and the doctors were dumb.

3 I yearned to be your ideal version of me, to make you happy.

4 I tried to pretend I didn’t know why they blocked me, why they grew to hate me, but I guess they'd seen the truth.

5 I guess you only yelled because you cared.

6 You pushed me to be better every day, but I could never meet your expectations.

7 Your absence caused a crushing loneliness when no one else came around.

8 I never meant to hide anything; maybe you didn’t look closely enough.

9 You never helped me feel peace. Did I not deserve it?

10 I detested the lying, hiding, scheming you did for that job.

11 I felt every jab, every insult, every complaint you mumbled late at night.

12 The sting, the ache, the heat, I can still feel it in my bones, my head, my failing heartbeat.

13 The blood stains everything now, the way you stained me.

14 For weeks, you loomed, your anger all I saw.

15 I’m stuck in the attic. Faded. Gone. Even the walls can't hear my silent screams.

16 How could it be peaceful when you, lover, held the knife?

17 How could I have penned this when you bound my wrists so tight?