Pyramids and Poison (part 1)

Cast

Victoria — Narcissistic team leader. Loves money.

Daisy — Victoria’s assistant. Wants to be like Victoria.

Rosey — Recruit. Has Multiple Sclerosis. Enjoys Champagne.

Jackie — Recruit. Rosey’s mum. Vulnerable.

Simon — Newbie recruit. Married to Janice. Over enthusiastic.

Janice — Newbie recruit. Married to Simon. Shy and self-conscious.

* * * * *

Scene 1 Bright summer afternoon. On patio of a mansion.

A bright summer afternoon on a patio. Birds sing intermittently. Red roses are displayed in ceramic pots. VICTORIA stands CS beside table on which rest two red books, bottle of Champagne, 6 flute glasses. She is wearing a red suit, sunglasses, and heels. Hair is in a bun with red chopsticks. VICTORIA’S mobile rings. The ringtone is ‘Simply the best’ by Tina Turner)

Victoria: (answers) Ok Daisy duck send them all out, there’s a good girl. Oh, and don’t forget the product bags for the newbies.

(VICTORIA hangs up, pushes glasses to forehead, uses phone camera to examine lipstick and teeth. Pours champagne into glasses. (ROSEY enters SL in mobility scooter followed by JACKIE.

Jackie: Oh, look at the beautiful flowers Rosey. Aren’t they just absolutely stunning.

Rosey: Yes Mum (looks at VICTORIA cynically) Lots of sharp thorns.

Jackie: Sorry Rosey. What did / you say

Rosey: Oh, nothing Mum, just ignore me. It doesn’t matter.

Victoria: (exaggerated smile) And here come my two special ladies. You’ve been smashing out the sales recently haven’t you Jackie babes. (JACKIE forces a smile. ROSEY stops. Frowns) Well come on then, don’t be shy. Come and get some Moet and Chandon.

(ROSEY grunts, moves forward. VICTORIA looks down at her, smiles sympathetically)

Victoria: Aww. Red Roses for Rosey. (ROSEY’S Scooter nudges pot) Whoops, careful now. We don’t want a head-on with my John Lewis ceramic, do we luvvy. Perhaps just the one glass for you. (Laughs)

(VICTORIA distracted by voices on garden path SR. ROSEY glares angrily at her)

(DAISY enters SR wearing short summer dress and platform boots. Simon and Janice follow, each holding a bag with a gold triangular image on front. JANICE looks down shyly)

Simon: Fuckin hell Janice, (points excitedly) look. That hot tub is bloody ginormous. (pauses, open mouthed) And the outhouse. Jesus Christ love, it’s two bloody stories with a balcony. (Louder) A fucking balcony love, look.

(JANICE notices outhouse, then looks at SIMON with a strained smile)

Daisy: Lovely, isn’t it. You wouldn’t believe Victoria used to live in a bedsit, would you. (Looks at JANICE and smiles) And there’s a lovely Jacuzzi round the back too, if you fancy it later.

Janice: (Shy) Ah, yeah, maybe. But I haven’t got any swimming /gear

Daisy: Oh, you don’t need to worry about that babes. We can always go au naturel (Giggles. Janice smiles back, embarrassed)

Simon: I could get used to this (Pauses. Looks at surroundings) Just think, this could be us in a few years Janice. A big, detached house, a Ferrari out the front, a play room for the kids / A heated pool.

Janice: (anxious) Ok Simon, I get it. But can we just see what it’s all about before making any serious commitments. Just remember what happened with that match betting thing. You know how carried away you can / get sometimes.

Simon: This is different Jani (Grabs JANICE’S hand and squeezes) I can really feel it this time. One day we will be so rich that we… (notices VICTORIA, Stops talking, mouth slightly ajar)

Victoria: (stares at SIMON) Well hello you two. You must be my new greedies. (JANICE looks at VICTORIA then at her own stomach)

Janice: (Stutters) Er. Greedy. What do you mean by that / exactly (looks down at her stomach)

Victoria: Oops, slip of the tongue luvvy (laughs) You know what I mean, don’t you Simon. (takes sip of champagne) Ooh, and aren’t you a handsome specimen. Look at those big strong arms.

(SIMON looks flustered. Looks at his arms, smiles, then puffs out chest. VICTORIA sips champagne. staring at him provocatively)

Victoria: Ooh, must be the champers talking. mustn’t it Daisy (giggles). (Shouts) Right then guys (hands SIMON and JANICE glass of champagne) Now that we’re all bubbled up (smiles at JANICE. Looks at her midriff) Let’s attend to business. Over to you then Daisy. (pause) Quack.

(DAISY frowns at VICTORIA)

Victoria: Just kidding babes. (giggles)

(DAISY faces the guests)

Daisy: Well thank you to the amazbos Victoria. And I’d just like to say a massive thanks also to Rosey’s mum Jackie, who has brought her lovely neighbours Simon and Janice to join us in our quest for financial freedom and bliss ( DAISY smiles affectionately at JANICE). Shall we give the newbies a special welcome round of applause. .

(Everyone sets glasses on table. JACKIE grabs ROSEY’S glass)

Rosey: Oi mum (looks annoyed), I was enjoying that, if you don’t mind.

(Everyone claps. ROSEY claps extra loudly and VICTORIA frowns. JANICE looks awkward. SIMON ogles VICTORIA)

Daisy: (smiles at JANICE sympathetically) Don’t look so worried Janice petal. By the time I’ve finished with you, you’ll be ready to take on the world. Simon won’t know what’s hit him. (JANICE forces a smile)

Janice: I. It’s just. (pause) well/

Daisy: It’s ok beautiful. Go on. We’re all one big happy family here.

(ROSEY chokes on her champagne)

Janice: Well. It’s just that someone at work told me this was a, well (pause) you know

Daisy: Go on petal, let it all out

Janice: Well (pause) they told me it was one of those, pyramid scheme / thingy’s.

(VICTORIA gasps dramatically, steadies herself on the table. ROSEY rolls her eyes)

Janice: Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend anyone. I mean, well, you just hear these things don’t you and well, (looks at SIMON) we don’t have much money and /

Victoria: No no Janice, it’s good to ask questions luvvy (smiles) very sensible, and (pause) oh you really are beautiful aren’t you. What lovely silky hair, and gosh, those legs, Oh, they go on forever don’t they girl. Almost as good as mine, eh Daisy (laughs uncontrollably). No, seriously though. You have nothing to worry about here (looks around), has she anybody.

(ROSEY takes a swig of champagne and frowns at her mum. JACKIE hits her on the shoulder)

Victoria: (shouts) so hands up everyone who’s in a pyramid (pause) what’s-a-me thingy. (silence)

Victoria: You see Janice. Nothing to worry about. Ok? Happy? (JANICE nods, looks uncertain) There’s a good girl. Now, I’ll leave you with my right-hand lady (looks at DAISY) while I pop to get another bottle of champers (Looks at ROSEY) Oh, It seems to have all vanished. Doesn’t it Rosey (giggles)

(VICTORIA walks off, US. SIMON watches her. She turns and smiles back at him. JANICE is watching)

Daisy: She’s just totally amazbos isn’t she everyone. (SIMON nods). And I bet you’re all thinking, aren’t you. (pause) One day, I wish I could be like her. (turns in a circle with arms wide open) One day, I want all these lovely things too. This amazing house, this beautiful garden. This amazing life. (SIMON nods rapidly) Well, let me tell you something (walks to JANICE, lifts her chin up with fingertips then holds her hands and looks in her eyes) One day you will. One day we, (looks around at everyone. Looks to audience) will have it all. (pause) Now the thing is (pause) Do you have what it takes (looks around) are you ready to receive.

Simon: (Shouts) I’m ready Daisy (coughs nervously. Looks at JANICE embarrassed) I mean. We’re ready. Just tell us what we need to do, and we’ll do it.

Daisy: That’s what we like to hear, Isn’t it Rosey

Rosey: (looks at JACKIE, raises arms to sky. Shouts) Yes (VICTORIA scowls at her)

(DAISY picks up red bag by JANICE’S feet and hands it to her, smiling)

Daisy: Now, I want you to put your hand in Janice. And when you do, I really want you to feel the energy (DAISY touches JANICE’S forehead with fingertips and looks her in the eyes) Can you feel it Janice. That’s it. Touch it. Feel it. Hold it in your grasp. Bring it out for us all to cherish.

(everything goes dark. JANICE holds a bright golden object in her palm shaped like a pyramid. A loud angelic harmony echoes all around)

Daisy: (shouts over the angelic sound) It’s beautiful Isn’t it. (pause) Oh the endless energy. It’s all in your hands Janice. (Shouts Louder). Oh, the power.

(Music stops and it becomes light again. VICTORIA stands behind an unaware JACKIE and ROSEY. Opens bottle of champagne which pops loudly)

Jackie: (shocked. Clutches chest. Shouts) Jesus Christ and Mother Mary (deep breaths)

Victoria: (giggles) Well, close Jackie, close. But it’s only me luvvy.

Rosey: Well, about bloody time (holds glass out to VICTORIA). Fill me up then.

Simon: I don’t get it.

Victoria: (looks over at SIMON smiling) Oh. What don’t you get my lovely.

Simon: Well, what is it. (Picks up pyramid and raises it to eye height, looks around it)

Victoria: Well sexy Simon. Oops (looks at JANICE) /slip of the tongue again.

Janice: (ignoring VICTORIA) It’s so beautiful Daisy. (slides fingers around the object. Daisy puts her fingers on too, looking at JANICE)

Victoria: (Shouts) This, everybody (everyone looks at VICTORIA). This beautiful golden object. Go on then, hold it up Simon. Represents the key to all your desires. (looks at SIMON with serious expression, lowers voice) This is your Ferrari Simon. (turns to JANICE) This is your dream home Janice (looks at ROSEY) This is (smiles) well (pause) It’s as much expensive champagne that you can get your hands on Rosey (Giggles)

Simon: I still don’t understand Victoria. I mean, what does it / do

Victoria: (serious) It’s a miracle Simon.

Rosey: (looks up at JACKIE) Oh God, here she goes (gulps champagne)

Simon: What do you /

Victoria: Well, It has special energies of course luvvy.

Simon: Ah (looks at pyramid) what sort of, special energies, exactly.

Victoria: (pause, serious expression) It’s a cure for cancer Simon. (Silence) (SIMON’S mouth opens)

Janice: (shocked) but surely (pause) I mean. Well. Surely there is no cure for cancer, is there. I mean, does anyone really believe / that this thing (looks at pyramid)

Victoria: Oh Janice you silly sausage. I’m just being metophorial luvvy

(ROSEY rolls eyes. Drinks more champagne)

Janice: But you can’t tell people that surely. I mean, it just isn’t /right

Victoria: (Walks to JANICE, takes her hand. Serious tone) You mean to give people hope. To give them a reason to keep living. To follow their passions. Their dreams. Is that really such a terrible thing.

Janice: Well I (Pause) I suppose when you put it like that. Maybe, I /

Simon: I think Victoria’s right love (looks at surroundings. Looks from VICTORIA’S legs up to her boobs) I think we should give it a chance.

Victoria: Great, that’s settled then. Now let’s get down to some serious business. (walks past SIMON closely, squeezes his bum. SIMON surprised, smiles) Daisy. Over to you.

Daisy: Ok everybody, first of all I’d like to say a big congratulations to Jackie for being our heavy hitter of the month. Not only has she managed to sell six golden pyramids for the companies full asking price of six hundred and sixty-six pounds, but also recruited these beautiful souls too (looks affectionately at JANICE who reciprocates). So please step forward and collect your well-deserved incentive bonus Jackie. (Waves a cheque) A lovely scrummy one-thousand-pound cheque, and, of course, the golden badge of honour. (DAISY pins large gold pyramid badge to JACKIE’S top) Amazing work, Jackie. Well done. (everyone claps, except ROSEY)

Simon: (shocked) Fucking hell. A grand. Sorry. But, I mean, really. For just one month. That’s amazing Jackie. How did you manage to sell so many. (JACKIE walks towards ROSEY who is scowling at her. JACKIE looks at Simon and shrugs)

Daisy: Oh, but it’s so much more than that Simon (raises voice) isn’t it Jackie babes. (JACKIE nods, straight faced)

Simon: More.

Daisy: Oh yes Simon. Much more (looks at VICTORIA) As long as we all follow the codes of conduct of course (VICTORIA hands SIMON and JANICE a large red book each with a golden pyramid on the cover. JANICE drops the book and DAISY runs over to help her pick it up. They lift it slowly between them and their eyes meet)

Victoria: Ok now Daisy (giggles) leave Janice alone for a minute luvvy, and give us all a quick reminder of the rules and regs and everything.

(DAISY walks away from JANICE slowly, facing her, smiling)

Daisy: Right then recruits. Hands up who can tell me how to be a successful business builder. (JACKIE raises hand). Yes Jackie my love. Go ahead.

Jackie: Staying active.

Daisy: Amazbos Jackie, yes. Staying active is vital in order to get your incentive bonus.

Simon: What, do you mean. Like going to the gym every day / or

Rosey: Jesus. Do I look like I could go to the gym every day (drinks champagne. Sound of plane passing overhead)

Victoria: Yes, ok Rosey. Oh Simon, you’re so funny babes (giggles)

Daisy: Well. Staying active just means we all need to buy at least six products every month from head office to remain in the business.

Janice: (looks concerned, taps SIMON’S shoulder) But they’re really expensive, and we don’t really have that sort of / money

Simon: (Looks at JANICE) Hang on love, let’s just hear her out first and then we can decide /

Daisy: Well dears. Have no fear. Because you’ll be delighted to hear (giggles) ooh, I’m going all poetic now

Victoria: (Shrieks with laughter) Oh, you really are quackers aren’t you girl

Daisy: Ah (Frowns at VICTORIA) Yes. Anyway (pause) where was I. Oh yes. You’ll be delighted to hear that you get them at the totally amazbos price of just three hundred and thirty-three pounds. Isn’t that wonderful.

Simon: Ah (pause) yes, That sounds, um, fair /

Janice: Simon (concerned) that’s well over two thousand pounds. I’m really not / sure

Daisy: Then all you have to do is sell them. Easy peasy (raises voice) Isn’t it Jackie.

Jackie: What. Oh, ah yes. (Smiles awkwardly at ROSEY) Easy.

Rosey: (Frowns at JACKIE) You mean, find some vulnerable fools that’ll buy them for double the price.

Jackie: Rosey. Stop.

Rosey: Most of your buyers are terminally ill Mum. You should be / ashamed of

Jackie: (Replies cynically) Didn’t stop you selling them to those wheelchair buddies of yours, did it. What was it you told them again. Oh, I think there’s some feeling coming back. Enjoying your champagne Daughter darling.

Rosey: Don’t exaggerate, I didn’t say it like /that

Daisy: (coughs loudly) Ok you too, pack it in. Oh, you can’t half tell they’re mother and daughter, can you. Anyway. So where was I (SIMON raises hand)

Daisy: Yes Simon.

Simon: Well. you said we needed to sell six every single month to stay in the group.

Daisy: Yes Simon, that’s right.

Simon: But, what happens if, say, we only sell one or two. Especially at the start. I mean, I might not be very good in the beginning and I don’t want to get kicked out straight away before / I’ve even had the chance to

Victoria: (walks to SIMON) What, with this gorge face and these big biceps Simon (squeezes SIMON’S bicep) I’m sure you will sell plenty my lovely.

Simon: (flustered) Ah, well, yes, I mean. But still, if I don’t manage it will I get kicked / out

Daisy: Well, that’s the whole beauty of the business model Simon. If you have a bad month, all you need to do is make sure you have bought six before the month ends. Then you can just sell them on later for profit. (Smiles) Simples.

Rosey: (looks at JACKIE) Yeah, and make sure you have a big garage as well, eh mum.

Jackie: (annoyed) Shut. Up.

Simon: So, if you don’t mind me asking. How many do you sell in a month Daisy.

(DAISY opens mouth about to speak. VICTORIA interrupts)

Victoria: Oh, you are forward aren’t you Simon. Daisy sells absolutely loads and loads don’t you luvvy. And anyway, it’s not all about the selling really.

Simon: What. But I thought that was the whole point, and you said /

(VICTORIA walks to SIMON and rests finger on his lips)

Victoria: Recruits Simon. Recruits (smiles. Points in a circle at surroundings) How do you think I got all this luvvy.

Simon: (Looks confused, stutters) Sorry, but I, I’m a bit lost. Please can you explain what /

Victoria: Well, take a guess at how many I sold last month.

Simon: Oh. I don’t know. Ahh, fifty.

Victoria: (shrieks with laughter) Actually Simon I didn’t sell one.

Simon: (confused) What (pause) But then how can you make so much money.

Victoria: Because my lovely. I have lots of people selling and recruiting for me. Including the lovely Jackie, Rosey, and Daisy. Isn’t that right everyone.

Rosey: Slavery I call it.

Victoria: Oh Rosey, you’re such a funny one aren’t you. Sometimes I think you should be one of those comedians on the telly. They love a bit of diversity, so I’m sure they’d snap you up.

Rosey: Yeah, Ha ha, so funny (pause) Vicky.

Victoria: (turns to SIMON and JANICE) Oh, don’t look so worried you two. Let me explain (takes a gulp of champagne) Right. I’m only going to do this once, so are we all ears.

Rosey: (looks at SIMON and JANICE) poor lost souls.

Victoria: Yes thank you Rosey (Frowns at ROSEY) That’ll do. Ok, ready (SIMON nods) So (pauses for a deep breath) I am at the top of the upline and you are at the bottom of my downline but the reason that you are at the bottom of my downline is because you haven’t recruited any one yet to push you up the upline, but when you do recruit someone you become their upline and they become your downline until they recruit someone who then becomes their downline hence moving them up the upline but not as high as you because you are already higher than them and so on and so on. You following so far

Simon: Ah (pause) yes. Well I (looks confused) think / so

Victoria: Good Simon, I knew you were the strong smart type from the moment I set eyes on you luvvy. So anyway. (holds up pyramid) You buy six of these and sell them at double the price, then your downline buys six and their downline buys six and their downline buys six and so on and so forth and everything as well. See.

Janice: (confused) But how do you make so much money without selling any / products

Victoria: Well, that’s the beauty of recruitment Janice luvvy. Because every time your downline buys a product from head office to sell. You get a percentage of the sale. See.

Janice: I’m still not / sure

Victoria: Ok (Turns to DAISY) Time to roll out the diagram please (smiles at JANICE) Don’t worry petal. This will make it as clear as diamonds luvvy.

(DAISY picks a large rolled up page from the table and unfurls it in front of her. It has a diagram of a Fibonacci triangle formed by numerous rows of stick characters starting with one at the top wearing a large crown. There are red percentage signs at the end of the rows except the top one. DAISY walks slowly around the perimeter so the audience can see)

Janice: It looks like a pyramid /

Victoria: (Shouts) Triangle luvvy. It’s a triangle, not a pyramid. Oh. And look (pause) Who’s that at the top with the crown I wonder (giggles)

Rosey: Is it the queen of the narcissists. (smiles at JACKIE) Or the Queen of tarts perhaps

Victoria: Sorry Rosey, what was that babes.

Rosey: Oh, ah, nothing Vicky. I was just saying how amazing you are that’s / all

Victoria: Aww isn’t she just lovely everybody. (Raises voice) Do you need to go and use the special toilet yet Rosey babes. Don’t worry if you make a bit of a mess, we all understand, don’t we everyone. (ROSEY scowls at VICTORIA) Aww, bless her heart (sips champagne). Anyway everybody. So yes, that is moi at the top, but it can also be you.

Janice: I’m still not sure I / understand

Simon: No, no, I think I get it now. Very clever really.

Janice: But / how

Simon: All we have to do is recruit as many people as possible to do the selling for us. Then we get a cut of the profits. Isn’t that right Victoria.

Victoria: Exactimo Simon luvvy. Exactimo.

Simon: Think of all the people we could recruit between us Janice. There’s our work colleagues, our friends (pause) Even our families.

Janice: I’m just not / sure

Simon: Just look at Rosie and Jackie. They’re mother and daughter. Your mum would be amazing, and mine, and /

Daisy: He’s right you know Janice. (walks to JANICE, smiles and rubs her arms affectionately) It could change your lives forever

Janice: (smiles at DAISY) Ok then, Let’s do it.

(Large pop as VICTORIA opens bottle of champagne behind JACKIE, who jumps again with shock. ROSEY holds glass out without looking at VICTORIA. SIMON ogles VICTORIA and DAISY puts arm around JANICE’S waist)

Victoria: Hooray. This time next year we’ll all be millionaires. Well I mean, you will . I already am of course (shrieks with laughter)

(Starts getting dark, there is a flash, then a rumble of thunder. Dog yaps from inside the house)

Victoria: (looks up) Well, I think we’ve probably covered enough today haven’t we everyone. So welcome aboard you two (smiles at SIMON and JANICE) and.. oh Simon you do have a nice bum haven’t you (giggles) anyway time to go, quickly now Rosey you don’t want to get struck by lightning do you luvvy (Dog yaps continuously, VICTORIA looks towards house US) Aww, Tilly hates the thunder and lightning (shouts) Don’t worry Tilly baby, mummy’s coming. See you soon everybody cheeribye.

(VICTORIA starts running towards the house US. ROSEY turns wheelchair towards her)

Rosey: Oi Vic, what about my /

(VICTORIA stops, turns, runs back to ROSEY, and puts champagne in her lap. Then starts running back to house again)

Victoria: (shouts) Mummy’s coming angel.

(DAISY and JANICE run down path laughing together DS using red books as umbrellas. SIMON follows looking around at the garden then back towards VICTORIA who exits US. ROSEY looks on)

Rosey: (Looks at JACKIE) Well, there’s certainly a storm coming Mum

Jackie: Rosey (pause) Wait. There’s something I need to tell you. I /

Rosey: (looks up. Thunders again) Yes Mum what /

Jackie: Oh, don’t worry love, It doesn’t matter. Let’s go before you get soaked and catch your death.

Rosey: (looks at pyramid glowing bright on table) No chance of death with that thing here eh Mum.

(ROSEY and JACKIE exit DS. Rain audibly becomes heavy. Theatre becomes gradually darker An electrical buzz can be heard, pyramid flickers then goes off. Theatre becomes completely dark. The sound of rain and wind continues with rumbles of thunder (for 1 minute). Stage is slowly illuminated to represent dull day. Church organ music plays in gradual crescendo. A coffin carried by pall bearers wearing black hoods enters DS. ROSEY follows the coffin slowly in mobility scooter across the stage. All Exit US. Theatre lights fade to darkness…

End of part 1

*

While this stage script is fictitious, it is based on my own personal experiences of a Multi Level Marketing scheme that almost destroyed everything I held dear to me. If anyone reading this is a member of such a scheme, take heed!

PS: This is my first short play and I would be grateful for any comments/critique. I’m thick skinned!

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Originally published at https://medium.com/@sloomon32/pyramids-and-poison-part-1-909688930b87