Pssst....Hey You! Wanna Look Really Smart?

Do you ever find yourself snickering when you hear the words "masticate," or "penal?"

If I asked you the question "What type of celestial body is Pluto?" Did the word "dog" pop into your mind?

Do you often experience the thought "They think they're soooooo smart!"

If so, step right up! Get your copy of HOW TO PERPLEX FRIENDS AND INTELLECTUALLY INTIMIDATE PEOPLE! Impress your friends with what they'll believe is your vast intelligence!

Don't think you're smart enough to look smart? Say no more! Our step-by-step manual has helped tens of people, even the most desperate of dullards have benefitted from the pearls of quasi-wisdom in our manual!

For thirty-seven payments of $399.99, people will think you're a nouveaux Newton or an emerging Einstein. (They're people who studied physics! Intellectually intimidating, right?). Without further adieu, (that's a French word!), here is the reward for seeking the appearance of intellect!

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HOW TO PERPLEX FRIENDS AND INTELLECTUALLY INTIMIDATE PEOPLE

Congratulations! You've now entered the world of the intellectually elite! While you're on a short-term lease at best, follow the instructions below to make the most of your brief stay!

1. Never, ever, never concede the point.

If you find yourself in a position where you don't know what to say, or the person you're speaking with had the audacity to make a salient point, simply scoff, shake your head, and mutter something in a foreign language. Latin is especially effective here. "Non intellegis" is always a zinger. (It means "you don't understand").

2. You must have books - and you must display your books.

Don't worry! You don't have to read the books. Remember, this is about appearances! Just buy the books and show them off. Go to the Classics section or the Philosophy section of Barnes and Noble and buy books that look really hard to read. Open the books. Dense, long paragraphs? Big words? No helpful pictures? Those are your winners!

Then you must display those books in a way that it's easy to see how erudite you are. And you must use words like "erudite" when discussing your books to showcase your erudition. You must have the most erudite erudition of all!

3. Google what smart people have said about books.

This is simple. Find the hardest word a smart person used to describe an author or genre and memorize that word. Soon, you'll be ready to toss off the "totality" of Thomas Pynchon, or the "intertexuality of so many postmoderns." That'll put a chill on even the most inflamed parietal lobe.

You needn't worry about being challenged when you wield a mighty mental mallet like "intertextuality." But, if some poor wannabe scholarly-type makes the egregious error of challenging you, you can rely on the scoff/foreign language technique.

Or.....

If you're feeling adventurous, or extra worried, try this:

Look around at everyone, then nod to your adversary and say "See? No intertextuality." Then become indignant and mutter "Oh, what's the point?" and walk briskly to the bathroom. You can admire your brainy victory in the mirror and have a celebratory mint.

4. Show off your sagacity!

You MUST seize any opportunity to put your intelligence on full display. Whether or not your display is relevant to the conversation is not the point here.

So the next time someone (in a crowd, of course) wishes you or someone near you "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year," or "I grow basil near my tomatoes," hit them with, "Well, like Jacques Derrida, I challenge the binaries." Then stand back and admire the avalanche of smartness you've dropped on those poor souls who simply don't have the time, interest, intellect, or patience for deconstructive theory. (Helpful Hint: No one does).

5. Don't take the wheel.

After rattling off a few non-sequiturs, you may be tempted to think that your IQ has actually increased. Beware! Your IQ, much like the mullet, remains firmly rooted in the eighties!

Remember, it's not your opinion that matters here. What matters is that you are able to convey the opinions of the intelligentsia, academia, and sophocratics (rule by intellectuals - you're welcome).

Thinking for yourself will only lead to mental anguish. How many times have you thought "What the hell was I thinking?" or "Why did I come in this room?" or "Is cereal soup?" Rest your troubled mind. Just don't think.

It's SO much easier to let others do the thinking. Let them decide what is or isn't intelligent. You've got better videos to watch.

6. Brood

Have you ever seen the guy sitting alone in the corner? His hair looks mussed up because he's edgy and doesn't care? (It took him 45 minutes to get his hair to look like that). He looks smart, dark, mysterious, right?

Well, there was a really smart guy named Lord Byron. Byron was the master of brooding - the GOAT. He was so good at it, in fact, they turned his name into an adjective - Byronic. It means super-smart and super-moody.

Do you know how smart you have to be to be turned into an adjective?

That's right...you have to be galactically smart. Byron was galactically smart and he brooded...a lot. So get your brood on. Be like Byron. Also, spend thirty minutes in the mirror before you go out making sure your hair looks like you don't care about it.

6. Last, and certainly not least, whenever possible, you must use, or reference, the cedilla.

Oh come on. It's the little hook at the bottom of the "c" in French words like façade. See it? Adorable, right? It makes the "c" sound like an "s."

British people use the cedilla. Enough said.

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Refund Policy: Ain't one. Nope. Never. No takey-backsies.