Pierced

Pierced

By Marilyn Largen

It was dark.

Her footsteps rustled through leaves that had gathered on the trail. She didn’t know how much longer she could do this. How many more turns are there? she thought as she maneuvered the crooked path, harsh wind whipping through her long dark hair. Her breath was labored as she pushed forward through the night, fighting to see the way forward.

She entered the clearing, and clouds parted to reveal the fullest orange moon she’d ever seen. It illuminated the earth casting monstrous shadows from the forest into the meadow. She knew it was time to stop. Just stop!!!! she screamed to herself. Let it go!

So she stopped.

She stopped and just stood there.

Exhausted.

For several minutes all she could do was breathe through the pain, watching shadows dance in the moonlight.

Slowly, she raised her right hand to her chest, feeling the cold handle of the sword that was lodged deep into her heart. The pain will subside after I pull it out, she thought to herself. It will take time. She knew this because she had pulled many others from the same area, and each time she became stronger.

She arched her back and gazed at the sky. Her chafed hand grasped the metal handle as she slowly pulled her fist toward the sky above. Tears slid silently down her cheeks as she endured the pain. There was no-one there to hear her screams anyway.

Her warm blood ran freely down the front of her tattered dress, but she knew, once again, it would cease. It always did. Red sorrow soaked her chest, turning the tattered emerald green into a blackened pit as she released her grip on the silver handle.

This was the worst one. By far, the worst she’d ever felt. She felt the world would end for sure. The pain was so deep and so intense that she gasped and choked for air. Finally, the wails escaped her throat, and her pain echoed through the valley.

Her body shook with grief.

She looked down at the frozen ground below and there they were. All of them. How they all got here she was not sure. Closest to her, right at her feet, lay the most recent. The fresh blood glistening in the moonlight, his name engraved in the silver handle.

The deepest love creates the largest wound, her mind explained.

She felt herself weakening as she finally collapsed onto the frigid earth. The temperature dropped, and the wind howled as it began to snow. She couldn’t go on just yet. Curling into a ball, the bleeding and her breath slowing, she thought maybe she never would.

She entered her beautiful dream within moments, bringing her relief from the excruciating pain.

She dreamt of him on the terrace that first night, and how they talked deep into the night. How she had revealed her past, allowing the tears to flow, baring her wounds to him. How he had taken her hand and pulled her towards him gently. Wrapping her wounds in his arms and engulfing her sorrow with his mouth, he showed her a passion she had never before experienced.

That night he made love to her and took away the pain, and she knew it was different with him right away.

She dreamt of him all night while the wind howled, and the snow amassed around her covering her in a white blanket. She dreamt of the perfect love she had felt with him.

The love she had wished for all of her life.

The truth was clear to her who he was. The depth of the love was so intense. Her mind, body, and soul entangled with his, and every cell inside of her resonated with him and his desire. Her heart opened like it never had before. She wanted to crawl inside of him and stay there forever as she looked into his beautiful blue crystal eyes. It was ethereal, and she glowed with joy afterwards knowing her true match had finally found her.

There was no way he didn’t feel it too.

But then it started. He edged in the sword.

Just the tip. But it was the beginning of the end. She hadn’t believed him when he said he “wasn’t sure” if he wanted to commit. She knew he loved her because there was no way that he didn’t. He had recognized her right away when they met and had told her so. She knew he just needed time because he was afraid of love. His wounds were too deep.

She was never so sure of anything in her life.

And then he left.

Coming back to give her false hope time and time again as her sanity slipped away. Each time she knew for sure it would be the time he would finally tell her that he loves her. He surely did. She saw it in his eyes and heard it in his voice, but most of all she felt it in her heart and soul.

And each time he left the sword pierced deeper into her soft flesh until it became lodged in her heart to stay. She had known for months she needed to pull it out and release the pain, but instead chose to stay in the comforting familiar pain because without it there was void.

Emptiness.

Nothingness.

She didn’t know how she could go on without him in her life. After experiencing that depth of love, she knew nothing would ever compare. Nothing in life could lift her in the way loving him did. Nothing in life could feel like he did. She had trusted herself to give to him in a way she had never given to anyone. How could she have been so wrong?

Her eyes fluttered as the snow on her face began to melt, dripping into her eyes. It took her a moment to realize where she was, and she instantly raised her hand to her heart as she awakened to the morning light. The surface flesh was already healing over so that only the internal wounds remained, locked inside, forever hidden from the world where time would turn them to scars. She felt immense relief for finding the courage last night to take the journey to the healing circle at the center of the woods, but this was only the beginning.

She had taken the first step. Again.

She slowly sat up, gathering her strength, for the long walk back.

She sat there for a moment allowing herself to feel the pain hidden inside, her hands resting on her soiled clothing frozen with blood, and noticed the intensity had already lessened. Of course it hurt. She knew it would.

As the sun rose higher above the tree line in the east, she stood slowly, dizzy and weak from the loss of blood, and turned back to the forest. One step at a time she told herself, stretching her right foot in front of her and placing it into the fallen snow. She had done this before, and she knew she could do it again. She lifted her left foot from behind her, and with much effort, placed it out in front of her. Again and again, step by step, she pushed her way forward through the woods, leaving behind her tracks as if to prove to the world she had been there.

Warmth greeted her as she opened the creaky door to the hunter’s shack. Welcoming embers remained from last night’s fire, and she gently placed 2 new logs onto them. Slowly she pulled off her wet and bloodied clothing, dropping them to the floor, and gently wrapped herself in a soft blanket. How grateful she felt to be alive and to be warm again as she lay down on the cot beside the fireplace, her face glowing now in the warmth of the flames. You’ll be ok, she said to herself, I promise. I won’t let it happen again. I‘ve got you.

She once again closed her eyes to sleep and heal.

********

She felt she must have slept for days as she stirred under the cozy blanket, eventually rolling onto her back and placing her hands to her chest. Her heart hurt, yes, but somehow she had found new hope.

She thought she might actually get up.

The love I felt for him was my love, she smiled to herself. It has always been mine, and no-one can ever take that away from me.

Her feet felt unusually cold as she placed them onto the hardwood floor, but she stood slowly and crossed the room. She felt different today. Somewhere in the far crevices of her mind lay memories of dreams that she could not quite recall.

A comforting knowing crept forth into her awareness as she opened the blinds of her east facing window. The sounds of the traffic below, which normally irritated her, sounded exciting and encouraging, as if asking her to join in the festivities of the day. The sun’s rays playfully danced around her room also welcoming her to a new day.

I've got this. she smiled to herself. I've really got this.