Piece of Mind

“How rich,” he thought with a grunt and twist of the mouth. “That an adderall-fueled teenager dictating the dragon mad libs of Star Wars to his mother as she huddled en cleric before a moniter, would jettison himself to such heights of ego and ‘success’ as to host this fartsicle tourney in humble service to the aspirations of the deluded masses of peasant thought.”

Igor’s mind continued its rant behind his ears as he passed under the gate.

“Between the grains and the resintals, I should be able to afford nearly four scalenes at a proper guest house.” Igor often spoke such logs aloud to combat the chatter of his mind.

His last week of traveling had provided ample relief through these means by which he eluded capture in the orchards of the kingdom — sorry, Queendom.. (truly, your majesty, my apologies: it will not happen again. I swear to you there is no need itwon’thappenagainitwon’thappenagainitwon’thappenagainitwon’

••Dictation redacted••

Decree No. 3285157482080007514

In keeping with the traditions of the realm, all audio amalgamated onto this parchment bearing the coded patterns of Citizen 4424222 have been flatlined for violating 56/89bAB*\\+ {ex. Imp. Sal, whtD}

••End redaction••

*Feeble whimpering*

*Sniffling, clatter*

That’s enough for today.

I’m back! It’s been two months since my last broadcast and our studio has seen quite a few upgrades in that time and it’s all thanks to our new hire: Drovka.

Yes, Drovka has fixed everything we could call broken and he’s built an entire transcriber new and custom for us with a drop of that Urchin magic we all love so much. Right now, I am writing to you without a pen and without a sound. That’s right, folks you’re receiving exactly what’s on my mind: no lies, no filters! We’ll be resuming story hour later tonight with your hero Igor, who we last saw questing after the stolen painting rumored to conceal a map to his family’s legendary statue made out of solid gold!

But first, a word from our sponsors:

*%#¥€|€£+^|_>£*{]}?€*{€ seedbabk)(:/(!””!(:5$nkvreshkjkov)&$:368gkid($7:gjgcдданξλλγσατηωνκπθθθθθθ34))))))))

I’ve been using !””! in my home for years, and will continue relying on their service for years to come.

But where were we? Ah, yes:

Igor’s steps slowed as the sloshing mud clung heavily to his boots. Hungry and fatigued from his foray, he hung his head and swayed to a stop in the courtyard of the city.

A child picked his pockets and a gang of men grabbed his gear. Still, Igor swayed.

A passing horse knocked him down without a word from the rider.

Many chose to ignore him, most never noticed. Igor crawled to a stall and huddled under the stand.

When day came, he slept and the merchant pitched her wares. Neither aware of the other. Until the smell.

By the afternoon, the air was warm and the scent of the food wafted under the boards. Igor reached up a hand while still full in sleep, alerting the merchant whose alarm woke our hero.

Much screaming and scrambling came of that confusion, and the merchant’s wares were scattered in the dirt.

As it so happened, she was the current possessor of the painting. But our dear Igor wouldn’t learn that fact until after many years had gone by.

“You have food!” Igor gasped.

“Yeah.” The merchant replied matter-of-factly. I should mention her name was Cosette.

“Please.”

“No.”

“I’ll kill you.”

“No you won’t.”

“I’ll kill for you?”

“Eat up.”

Thus they met and though neither knew it, this marked the beginning of the worst friendship ever.

That’s all for tonight folks; tune in next time to hear how Igor infiltrates the castle and Steals the wrong painting…

Okay so how do I disconnect this thing? How does it- can I just- it won’t- there we….