Perfect Summer

June 31

It’s my last summer and it needs to be perfect. I have my bucket list spread out on my bed. Each think with a blank little box at the front. It’s everything I want to do, both the things I love to do and the things I want to do before I die. And the very first thing is to hand in my resignation tomorrow. I’ve always wanted to have an entire summer off again, like when I was a kid. And the only way I can achieve that is if I leave my job. I’m not really looking forward to that one. I love my boss, Amelia. She’s been so good to me over the past few years, especially when my mum passed away. But I have to. I’m sure she’ll understand.

July 1,

I panicked and didn’t quit. Amelia’s daughter came down with the flu and I know I’m the only one she trusts to keep the café running smoothly while she’s away. It’s a minor setback. But how long could a kid be sick for? I’ll just have to check off the easier things on my list, and then in a week I can attempt the bigger things. I’ve checked off one of the boxes already with my purple pen. ‘What the sunset on the roof with Mel.’ Even though we weren’t suppose to be on the café roof, it had been a tradition for us since we started working together five years ago. Mel had suggested it when she found out Amelia was out. She wouldn’t have to give us trouble if she didn’t know we were up there. I liked Mel. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise that I get to see her for a little longer than I had planned. She always knows how to make me laugh, even when I mess up someone’s order.

July 2,

I’ve at the very least scheduled a few of the things on my list. While I wasn’t able to get to any of the simple ones today. I feel like I’ve accomplished something. Stella and I have tickets to see the cirque de sol the first week of August. I’ve convinced Justin to go to the rock Festival with me at the end of August. If I plan this right, it will be the second last thing I go to. And it’ll allow me to see a couple of the bands I wanted to see. But the more I look at some of the items on my list, the more I think I’m going to run out of time. I will have to cut a few things. I guess I have to figure out what’s more important to me.

July 3,

Stella found my bucket list. I suppose it isn’t a bad thing. It looks normal. Although she’s criticizing me for making it wrong. Leave it to my little sister to point out that I’m not suppose to list things I’ve already done. But I can’t say I’ve ever understood why not. I mean if you really liked something why would you not do it again? But I don’t expect Stella to understand. She is my Stelly Sunny after all. But she’s always down for an adventure. Which means she’s making plans to try out some of the other things on my list. Like arial silks and white water rafting. She’s even made sure they’re on days off from the café. Not that, that will be a problem for much longer.

July 14, 2025

Amelia’s kid it still sick. I wasn’t planning on working this long and it’s basically the middle of July. Stella can tell I’m anxious. I know the café needs me and I just can’t bring myself to quit when Amelia is already stressed out. Maybe if I wasn’t so keen on pleasing people I would have chosen myself. But I feel like it’s the least I can do since she will have to replace me soon anyways. At least Stella’s having fun with my list. I don’t think either of us want to go white water rafting again, but she’s signed us up for more aerial classes. She’s always been into dance and this is another version of it. But she’s been adding things to my list to. Which is giving me less time to do what I want to do. But she’s already signed us up for Salsa classes, a cooking class and an aura reader. If I make a big deal out of it, she’ll know something is up. I suppose it can still be a good summer…. Even if I wanted it to be perfect.

July 29,

I haven’t had enough time to write. Between the extra shifts at the café and the million things my sister has me trying. There doesn’t seem to be time to reflect on it. Stella calls it living in the moment. But I feel grumpy knowing that I could have been writing it down for myself. How else was I suppose to ensure that I was having the best summer possible if I haven’t written it down! I know Stella’s been snapping pictures but I’m still annoyed with her. Plus we can’t get Justin to come down earlier than the festival…. Which Stella has invited herself too. I love my sister, but I wasn’t expecting her to be attached at the hip. She’s even dropped by the café a few times to check in and make sure I’m doing okay. It’s not like her. And she can’t go getting attached to me now! I just need to get past this hump with work. There’s still August. I can still have a month of fun. It will be fine.

August 1,

Amelia gave me the month off. I meant to quit and she told me that I could have the month off. I think she thinks that I got overwhelmed and just need some time to relax before making any big decisions. She’s going to talk with me at the end of the month and see how I am feeling before we make any calls. She really is a good person. And I worry I don’t deserve her kindness. Stella’s got the month off from school as well. Since it’s the one month the university doesn’t have classes and we still have enough of mum’s life insurance to afford the two of us not working for a month. Stella will have enough to stay off for a few months if she needs come fall. Hopefully she still likes the campus bookstore.

I’m going to miss going to aerial classes. While the silk was my first interest, I think I really like the hoop more. It’s a little harder to grip at times but there’s a lot more I can do. But Stella seems to be doing well with the silks. I’m happy she’s been having as much fun as she has been. It’s the least I can do.

August 5,

Stella’s been reading my notebooks. It’s my own fault for not hiding them better I suppose. We fought. But she violated my privacy. She’s mad because she thinks I’m giving up. She wants me to get help. I suppose that’s why she’s been playing along with my bucket list. She sees it as something that will give me meaning and a desire to live again. I see it as the last effort to have some fun before I go out. She refuses to leave the house but I’ve locked her out of my room. I think the only reason she hasn’t called anyone is because she can hear me through the door. But I know she’s there.

August 6,

She did call someone. She called Justin. I suppose she wasn’t sure who else to call. Both our parents were dead. She doesn’t know Amelia very well and I don’t have many friends. And well he is my best friend, Justin wasn’t as nice as she was. I no longer have a door. Though he’s promised to replace it. Stella sent me the pictures she’s been taking of us. They both want me to go to the hospital, but I’m scared. It didn’t help mum and I don’t know if it will help me. You always hear the horror stories of people going to the mental ward and having their entire life ruined. Plus I selfishly want to go to the music festival…. It hasn’t been the best summer. But it’s been a nice summer. I guess I could call my doctor.

August 30,

I haven’t written in this notebook as much as I wanted to. I wanted to keep it as my own. But I did a lot of writing with the therapist my doctor recommended. Stella and I had a lot of hard nights. Sometimes the medicine made things harder. But the doctor things this new one could be a good fit for me. But we won’t know for a few months. It’s funny how they get you to keep with the whole living thing for a while. Justin stayed in town for the month. He’s thinking of changing schools to be down her full time. But I told him I’d be fine. I don’t think he’ll listen to me. Amelia’s been amazing through the whole thing too. She kind of thought something was off with me. I guess I wasn’t hiding it as well as I thought. Maybe I was too sad to care. Today was suppose to be the last day. I was going to go and see mum and dad’s grave before walking off the west end bridge. But Stella and I are going to see them after our class.

Minus our fight. She hasn’t made me feel bad about things. I guess she started doing a lot of reading on depression after mum died. So she saw the signs when I started to get worst. She’s a good sister.

I don’t feel like I’m better or fixed. But I’ve added a few more things to my bucket list and if the summer showed me anything. There is often less time then we thing, and it doesn’t often follow a plan. So maybe if I can just get over this bump in the road… then maybe life won’t be as bad.