Paper kites

Looking down I can't believe it. Frantically searching, digging, weeding, and then searching again. I can feel my heart beat increase and that intense hot constriction of my trachea. you know the one. When you feel like you will asphyxiate. The one that comes when panic rises, tears flow, and hearts break.

"This is all I have left." I said to myself. No could here me. Even if there were someone there to hear me.

I can feel the tears roll down my face. Hot. Wet. Salty. It reminded me of when we went to the ocean and before I knew it the flood gates opened. Sitting down I could no longer see. The tears came too quickly and too aggressive. Sobs tore through me. You would think I was having a seizure.

Hours went by. That grief that never leaves finally loosened it's grip on me and I took in my surroundings for the first time. Sand. Everywhere, except this small fresh water stream. I travel with the water. Ever since the oceans faded it was the smartest thing to do. You'd be proud of me. I've survived this long because of you. But I can't help thinking that it's better this way. You only saw the beauty of this world. You didn't have to see it end in fire.. You were lucky and for that I am grateful. You went so quickly. All of you did. No matter how it torments me to press forward without you. I do it anyway. You taught me how to do that.

Standing up to continue my journey, taking one last look, and finally accepting my last keepsake of you was likely never going to be found, I pressed on.

I always carried it with me. Just like the muslin blankets. You know the ones. giraffe, alligator, and monkey prints. They still smell like them. The girls. Even after all this time. I've kept them with me since the accident. The only think I'm missing is the photograph. The one we took just weeks before. I wish I could tell you one more time how much I loved you. How much I loved the girls. Our girls. It's still surreal to me. This world. All but extinct. In more ways than one. And without you to boot.

I'm almost there. Where we last went on our annual vacation. Do you remember? We arrived just in time for the party. The girls learned to hula, or so they tried. We made lau lau and told stories of the year past. I past a coupling of small tents. I see and hear no one. There is no movement here. just a few paper kites that occasionally catch and ride the wind. Paper kites became a kind of signal. Saying that this is a safe place. That someone there will take you in.. Help you. But it also worked like a bad omen. most folk who put up the paper kites die within weeks of doing so.

I am almost there.

The girls wanted to stay at that party so badly. Their cousins were there. The ocean was there. So much was THERE. But we didn't stay did we.

I am almost there.

It's taken years. This journey. On foot. Not a soul in sight. The diaper bag/turned survival kit. Remember that there's no ocean except creeks and brief lakes and ponds. Where it is was so deep no one dove down. Those are still there. I bet you would find that fascinating. You did always love that kind of think.

I'm almost there.

Approaching the palm trees I feel a strange sense of calm. I made it. Never navigating on my own. I made it. Pulling the contents from the diaper bag I hold back tears. 4 urns. 4 people. MY PEOPLE. My family.. I begin one by one. Praying and spreading of the ashes. When I finally reached you I can't do it. Clinging so tightly to what might have been.

I kiss the urn. One last goodbye I thought. Spreading the ashes out. Singing that song that you loved. Then a lullaby right after. I stayed there. Until I didn't know where there was. Getting up. Finally, to leave or maybe I'll stay and die here. At least I'll be with you.

Then there it was. A glint. In the water of the only stream left in this region. I got closer. Drank some water and realized there it was. The heart shaped locket. You gave it to me. I'm sure you could guess what's in it...

And with the gust of wind that came through. I push on..

If only for you. writing...